Episode 220: #1 Reason Parents Struggle with Teens!
Parents All Over the World Are Struggling
If you’re parenting a teenager, and you feel like you’re on the struggle bus almost everyday, know that you are not alone.
Parents all over the country are struggling, and what’s more is that parents all over the world are struggling!
Over the past few years I’ve had clients in the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, Africa, and South America. They all had one thing in common, they felt like they were struggling with their teen, and they knew things could be better, they just didn’t know how to make them better.
So, if you’re struggling with your teen, or if you know someone who is, know that you’re not alone. Know that there are parents all over the world just like you, looking to improve things with their teenager.
The #1 Reason You’re Struggling with your Teen
If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not like other parenting gurus an experts; in fact often I’m the exact opposite.
Most parenting experts would have you focus on your teen and identify everything that they’re doing wrong. They would try to first lay the blame on the teen, identifying that they aren’t following the rules, or not giving their best effort in school, or that they spend too much time on their phones or videos games.
The problem is, none of the things I mentioned above are within your control, which means that you don’t have the power to change them, and any effort trying to change things outside of your control is wasted effort that could be applied to YOU being the change.
And THIS is the number one reason parents struggle with their teens, anNow, the column on the left consists of “Natural” Consequences and the column on the right consists of “Enforced or Logical” Consequences.
And, it’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you at all. It makes sense that you would have tried to fix, change, and control your teen, that’s what you’ve been taught. That’s the example that has been modeled in the past.
But, there’s a better way! I promise
The Better Way is YOU and Your Identity
Fortunately, there’s a better way to stop struggling with your teen and finally connect, enjoy each other, and seriously up level your parenting at the same time.
The better way is for you to define your parenting identity.
Sounds simple, right?
You might be thinking something like, “Well duh! I know my parenting identity. I’m a mom.”
While, that’s a good start, you can do better.
If all you know is that you’re a mom, or a dad, or that you don’t like yelling, that’s a good start, but it’s not enough to really guide you in “tough” parenting moments.
You see, most parents have no clue what their parenting identity is; and with this lack of identity, they have no idea how they want to behave from moment to moment.
Another thing that I often see is when parents lack their own personal identity and they try to adopt an identity that someone else has for them. For example, my mom has told my many times that I should by a milk cow and have my teenage sons milk the cow so they can learn how to work and be responsible. This is what my parents did for me and my brothers, so she things I should do this for my kids.
There’s one problem, that would be me trying to live according to her identity for me, not my own.
The Problem with a Lack of Parenting Identity
In Lewis Carol’s “Alice in Wonderland,” there’s a conversation between Alice and the Cheshire Cat. It goes like this:
Alice: “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” The Cheshire Cat: “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.” Alice: “I don’t much care where.” The Cheshire Cat: “Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.”
Because she had no clear vision for her purpose or final destination, it didn’t really matter which direction she took.
The same is true for parents. If you have no purpose, no clear identity, no vision it doesn’t really matter how you parent from moment to moment.
BUT, . . .
. . . If you know who you want to be as a parent, . . .
. . . This identity will act as a guide, as a compass, as a parenting GPS in any parenting moment, but especially in “tough” parenting moments.
Parents of teens struggle connecting with their teens, not because of who their teen is being, or how they’re teen is behaving, but because of who they, the parent, are BEing and behaving. And, if you haven’t taken the time to define your parenting identity, you’ve probably gotten stuck in the “Lost and Confused Parent Trap.”
Defining Your Parenting Identity
I have a specific process for doing this that you can find inside my membership, and I’ll be offering a free training on Friday, September 13th at 10:00 am MT.
But, here’s the basic idea. You need to take the time to DEFINE your identity. DEFINE means that YOU get to determine who you are, what you’re dreams and goals are, what your standards are, and what your working towards.
When I take parents through this process, they’re often shocked by just how far out of integrity they are living with the version of themselves that they’d like to be.
During this process, it’s important to take the time to identify times when you’ve felt at your best as a parent, times when you’ve felt excited, confident, love, and like parenting was easy and like it came naturally to you. Once you do this, you can start to understand who you were BEing in those moments.
FREE Parenting Class
If you want a better relationship with your teen, I’m going to be offering a FREE Parenting Class on Friday, September 13th at 10 am MT. And the cool part is, you get to help me determine what the class will be on. Simply go to benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass and tell me what you want the parenting class to be on. You’ll get to choose between, Defining Your Parenting Identity, Building Better Boundaries, or other, and you can let me know what you want to learn.
Building a better relationship with your teen is as easy as, . . .
- Telling me what topic you want to learn at benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass
- Blocking out Friday, September 13th at 10 am MT on your calendar, and . . .
- Empowering yourself to start BEING the parent of your dreams!