Episode 221: Building Better Boundaries with Better Consequences

Your Boundaries Could be Better 

If you’re like most parents, your boundaries could probably be better. And, if you’re like me and the parents that I work with, it’s actually much easier that you might think to improve your boundaries. 

In case you’re curious, here are some indicators that your boundaries need to be improved:

• Regular arguing and fighting.
• Feeling like your teen is walking all over you. 
• Feeling that they other person doesn’t respect your opinion (this applies to parents AND teens)
• Feeling a sense of confusion and muddiness when it comes to boundaries.

Basically, I’ve done a lot of work on my boundaries, and a lot of the parents and teens that I’ve worked with have also done a lot of work on their boundaries, and yet, we’re all still working to improve our boundaries. 

So, if you are wondering, “Could I improve my boundaries with my teen?”, the answer is probably “Yes!”

The Consequence Quadrant 

I want to share with you a powerful tool that has helped me improve boundaries in my home. I call the tool The Consequence Quadrant.

The Consequence Quadrant will help you and your teen better understand consequences, and their role in boundaries, and this will help both of you have better boundaries. 

Eventually, I’m going to develop an image for this, but for now, I’ll just explain it to you. 

The Consequence Quadrant has two different columns and two different rows. 

The top row consists of “Positive” Consequences, while the bottom row consists of “Negative” Consequences. 

Now, the column on the left consists of “Natural” Consequences and the column on the right consists of “Enforced or Logical” Consequences.

This creates The Consequence Quadrant.

Shift Your Focus 

Now that you have a mental picture of the Consequence Quadrant, let’s talk about where most people focus.

Recently, I taught this concept to one of my teen clients. He said it made total sense and asked why so many adults, specifically parents, don’t get it. 

He was quick to recognize that most people focus on “Negative” consequences. 

I pointed out that that was only half of the quadrant and asked if he could narrow that down. He replied without skipping a beat, “Negative/enforced consequences. That’s where most people focus.”

I think he’s totally right, by the way. 

The truth is, if you’re like most people, when you think about consequences, your brain automatically thinks of punishment, aka negative/enforced consequences.

The problem is that focusing on negative/enforced consequences largely disempowers the person on the receiving end of those consequences. 

Take a look at your boundaries and determine whether your boundaries are heavily dependent on negative/enforced consequences. 

If you rely on taking away your teen’s phone, screentime, or grounding them, I’m guessing you’re making the same mistake I used to make, especially with my foster kids.

But, thankfully, there’s a better way. 

You can shift your focus to Positive/Natural consequences.

When you bring Positive/Natural consequences to your conversations about boundaries, you will empower your teen and make your life way easier. 

Rather than trying to control your teens by striking fear into their hearts, you’ll empower them to manage themselves from a place of confidence and power.

Strike a Balance

Now, I’m not saying that you should completely get rid of negative/enforced consequences.

And, I’m not saying that you should only focus on Positive/Natural consequences. 

What I am saying is that, we need to use WAY more positive/natural consequences, while striking a balance between the other quadrants. 

For example, when I have empowering discussions with my teens I always ask something along the lines of, “What are some positive and negative consequences that could go with this?”

They then discuss with me, for example, “If I skip class on Friday, the advantage is I get to relax and chill. The disadvantage is, I might fall behind in my schoolwork. 

That’s an example of balancing awareness between positive and negative consequences. 

I might also ask, what do you think would be some positive and negative enforced consequences that could help motivate you. 

To which my teen might respond, “If I don’t skip school on Friday, you take me to get a milkshake, but if I do skip school, I don’t get a milkshake.”

That gives me an opportunity to sweeten the deal to reinforce the behaviors that I want to see more of, but it empowers them to choose for themselves.

Empower YOU and Your Teen

Bottom line is, if you want better boundaries with your teen, EMPOWER them!

And, one of the best ways to empower your teen is to help them understand the Consequence Quadrant. 

Help them see that the universe already doles out natural consequences, both positive and negative, for every action they take. 

This will help your teen think for themselves and make choices based on the positive natural consequences that will truly motivate them.