Episode 228: Blame Culture and How to Foster Responsibility
A Recent Football Game Story #1
Recently I was reffing a few little league football games on a Saturday morning into the afternoon.
During one of the games I noticed something that intrigued me.
In this particular game, one of the coaches started complaining that the other team was “holding”. I talked to him and explained exactly what I look for when it comes to holding, and what it takes for me to throw the flag on holding.
Rather than teach his players how to deal with holding, and exactly what I’m looking for before I’ll throw a flag, he kept complaining about the other team holding, except now he was also complaining about, “these crapy refs that won’t call anything.”
Before long, the players started complaining about being held. Again, I explained exactly what I’m looking for before I’ll call a holding penalty. No one, not the coaches, not the players, no one was willing to take responsibility. They just wanted to blame and complain.
At half-time, I spoke to both sets of coaches and explained holding, what I’ve been taught to look for, and what they can do about it.
During the second half of the game, the same team that started complaining about being held, continued to complain, only now, in frustration they were yelling at me and the other refs, yelling at each other, and some of the kids were crying out of frustration of “being held.”
In fact, on one touchdown play, the kid literally told his teammate something to the effect of, “They’ll probably score a touchdown right here, because these refs suck.” After which, at the snap of the ball, he stood there and just let himself be blocked. He threw his hands up claiming to be held, and let the ball carrier run right past him.
To make things worse, rather than coaching him up and holding him responsible, his coach started pointing at the player who wasn’t even trying to stop the play, yelling, “He’s being held!”
After the game, he told his team something to the effect of, “Guys. You did nothing wrong. There’s nothing we could have done about this one. The refs stole this one from us.”
Blame is the MOST Disempowering Thing You Can Do
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Victim Mentality.
The Victim Mentality is when you see the world as happening to you or against you. There are some easy indicators that you’re in the victim mentality. If you do any of the following, you’re likely in the victim mentality:
- Blame someone or something
- Complain about someone or something
- Criticize someone or something, or
- Make excuses.
The team that was losing the game, was very much in the victim mentality. They were blaming everyone but themselves. They were complaining about the refs, the other team, and things outside of their control. They were openly criticizing their teammates, the refs, and the other team, and they were making excuses.
The problem with the victim mentality is that it is disempowering.
It shifts your focus from things within your control, to things outside of your control, like the opposing team and refs.
Fortunately, there’s a better way than blaming.
Story # 2, Young Coach Ben
Once upon a time, I was a young football coach. I had been married for about a year and a half. I didn’t even have any kids. That’s how long I’ve been coaching high school football. Anyway, my little brother was pretty much the stud of the team. He was really good. He was a dominant force that most teams really struggled stopping. This brother went on to become a 2 time state wrestling champion. He’s a feakin’ beast!
Anyway, he used to draw holding calls all of the time. And, it was obvious that he was getting held. One of his teammates always complained about being held. And, I remember seeing him get held sometimes, so I’d complain to the ref, “Hey, he’s being held.”
One game, one of the refs pulled me aside and taught me a powerful lesson. He told me, look at the difference between these two players, my little brother and the other player. One (my brother, though he didn’t know we were brothers) is fighting, working his but off, and it makes the hold obvious, and it makes the hold impact the play.
The other doesn’t really fight the hold, he just lets it happen, which makes it not very obvious, plus because he’s not really trying and fighting it, it doesn’t really impact the play.
Thanks to that ref, I finally understood what the ref was looking for. I understood why one player got the holding calls and why the other didn’t.
With that understanding, I was able to empower my players by teaching them what I had just learned.
Empowering Against Blame
After that conversation, with the ref, I started coaching my players differently.
I started teaching my players that they were responsible for whether or not they were held and whether or not they did their job.
I taught them how to play in such a way that when they were held, it was obvious, and that it was impactful to the play.
Not only do I try to teach my players how to play in a way that makes it hard for them to be held, I also teach them to be responsible for themselves. Don’t worry about whether or not the other player is holding.
I also try really hard to set the example and model being responsible. I don’t complain about the refs. I don’t make excuses. When one of my guys gets held, I echo the teaching, “You’re responsible for whether or not you’re being held and whether or not it’s obvious and impactful.”
You can teach this same lesson to your teen. Empower them against complaining. Coach them up on how to be responsible for themselves and what’s within their control.
Stand Out Against the Blame Culture
We live in a blame culture. It’s part of our normal conversations, media, and mentality. It will take practice to stand out against blame and complaining.
Be willing to be different. Be willing to stand out. Be willing to be a powerful example to your teen.
As you do this, they will learn responsibility from your leadership.