Episode 231: How to do a Daily Parenting Debrief

A parenting debrief is simply a process to help you gain awareness of your parenting. hat’s Your Parenting Setting?

For me, there are two main types of parenting debriefs that I do:

Internal Debrief

• This debrief is done internally. I usually do it in my mind or on paper. I simply review a specific parenting situation, or maybe I’ll do it at night before I go to bed and review the whole day, but basically, I’m reviewing in my mind how I handled myself as a parent. 
• I typically look at my ways of BEING, how I was thinking and feeling, my behavior, how I was acting, and the results that I created. I like to use variations on the BE, Do, Have model and the Self-Coaching Model.

External Debrief

• • As the name suggests, this debrief is done externally. I usually do external debriefs with my teens and/or spouse. 
  • For example, maybe my teen and I had an argument earlier that day. Later, after emotions have calmed down, and usually after my own internal debrief, I’ll do an external debrief with my teen by asking empowering questions. 
  • The questions might be: 
    • How do you think I handled the situation earlier?
    • What, if anything, did I do well in your opinion?
    • What, if anything, could I have done better?
    • If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
    • What do you think I don’t understand about the situation?
    • What do you think we’ll remember about this in 15 years? How might we talk about this to your kids, my grandkids?

This is just an exercise to see things from another perspective.

Beware of these Pitfalls

Trying to change your teen

• • Do not do the external debrief in an attempt to get your teen to see things your way!
  • This is an exercise for YOU to gain more awareness and to see things from another perspective. 
  • If your teen wants to join in and do their own external debrief and ask you similar questions, that’s great, but don’t force it. 

Don’t let your teen run you. 

• • • Remember, you’re the parent. Your teen can express their opinion about you and your parenting, but at the end of the day, you’re the parent. You’re in charge. You get to make your own parenting decisions. 
    • If either of you can’t do this with respect, end the external debrief immediately and respectfully. 

Why Should You Do a Parenting Debrief?

I believe that “imperfect” parenting moments are impactful gifts to help you improve your parenting and reconnect with your teen. 

Some of the best parenting moments I’ve had with my children are after UGLY “imperfect” parenting moments. Usually, I’ll do my own debrief, realize that I’m not being the parent of my dreams, and own my mistakes. 

Then, I’ll go to my teen and apologize and then ask for their feedback. One of my favorite questions of all time is, “If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”

Yes, sometimes my teen says something like, “I wouldn’t even worry about it.” But, other times it’s been a powerful question and response for both of us. One time, after a fairly big conversation, my son told me, “Now that I’m not in the moment, I actually think I’d handle it the same way with my own teen.”

Another time, one of my sons said, “I’d try to understand from my teen’s perspective.” This is what’s inspired another of my favorite questions, “What do you think I don’t understand about the situation?”

So, why should you do parenting debriefs? 

Well, because they are opportunities for growth for BOTH you AND your teen, and they’re opportunities for reconnecting with your teen and making reparations in your relationship with them.

Be the Parent of Your Dreams!

If you want to be the parent of your dreams, you’ve got to reprogramme the old programming or reset your parenting thermostat.

A daily parenting debrief is a good exercise to help you reset your parenting thermostat.

If you’re tired of being the parent who always yells and screams at your teen, identify “What kind of parent do you want to be?” and start developing that programming.