Episode 235: Help! My Teen Refuses to Go to School
Does this Sound Familiar?
Here’s a recent question from a parent in one of the parenting Facebook groups that I’m a part of:
“I need advice. My 15 year old son refused to go to school today. He locked himself in his bedroom then in the bathroom after I broke into his bedroom. He’s doing this because I blocked his phone at 1am when I heard him on the phone (snap conversation on speaker with a girl). I can’t physically get him dressed and in the car. This is the 2nd time he’s done this in a year. He’s doing this in retaliation to me enforcing consequences like blocking his phone or grounding him. What am I to do? I drove to work in a full blown panic attack. Last time I went to counseling over it. He’s already lost his Xbox due poor grades – hasn’t had that in months. I block his phone for a consequence now. I tell the school this is an unexcused absence so he will get detention or ISS. I thought about removing handles from doors but I’d have to do that to every door in the whole house. He has nearly straight F’s and needs his sleep. How should I handle this, and prevent it from moving forward? I don’t want to risk losing my job by staying home and trying to convince him to go to school. I’ve considered online school but not sure if that is a good solution since it would be like a 2nd job to me to stay on top of him making sure he wakes and does his work. I’m at a loss. And I feel like a terrible mother.”
I Feel Sorry for This Mom AND Her Teen!
First, I truly feel for this mother. I’ve been here as a foster parent. I remember having some of our foster kids refuse to go to school. I’ve been here as a principal and teacher. I remember having students who refused to go to school.
I also feel for this young man. I’ve been there as a young man who hated going to school myself. I can hear from this mother’s question that they both feel like they are powerless. And, when people feel powerless, they get desperate in how they try to reclaim their power. Anyways, I don’t want to come across as being judgy when it comes to this mom or her teen. I know how tough it can be.
Where’s Your Focus? Changing Your Teen or BEing the Parent of Your Dreams?
In my opinion, this mom is focusing on her teen and how to get him to change. This is understandable. This is how we’ve been taught to look at this situation.
The problem is, this is disempowering to her teen and to her as a mother.
This mom is starting to realize this, but you can’t control your teen. I love where the mom said something like, “I can’t dress him and force him to get into the car.”
Bingo! That’s exactly right. The next question is, “So, what can I control?”
This mom’s on the right track. She has restricted her teen’s access to the XBox and to his cell phone. The only problem is that she’s doing this with a focus on changing her teen. That’s when we get into manipulation.
Instead, I would recommend that this mom shift her focus from changing her teen, to managing only what’s within her control. For example, “I CAN’T control my son and make him get dressed and in the car. I CAN control whether I allow him to play the XBox or not. I CAN’T control how he responds to the consequence, but I CAN control how I show up in tough parenting moments?
Use The T-Chart of Control
If you want to be the parent of your dreams, you’ve got to reprogramme your old programming or reset your parenting thermostat.
My Problem with Grounding
Usually grounding is focused on changing your teen. Usually, grounding is more disempowering than it is empowering.
When you take things from your teen, it makes them overvalue those things.
Instead I invite you to start building boundaries WITH your teen by having empowering conversations with them.
In this example, you could start by asking your teen why they hate school so much. What do they think would be fair for them to go to instead of school? You could ask, “What do you think is a fair consequence if you refuse to go to school?”