You’re Not in Control of Your Teen (Best News Ever)
Watch this whole episode on YouTube: Episode 281
As parents, we all want our teens to make good choices. We want them to be respectful, responsible, and kind. But the truth is, we can’t control our teens—and that’s actually great news.
Trying to control your teen often leads to more arguments, more distance, and more frustration. Real change happens when we let go of control and start leading with example, trust, and awareness.
In this week’s episode, we dive into what it really means to stop trying to control your teen—and how that shift can change everything in your home.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
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Why trying to control your teen backfires
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The surprising power of taking responsibility for yourself
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What “self-deception” means and how it shows up in parenting
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How awareness gives you freedom to choose your response
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Simple ways to lead your teen without controlling them
Control vs. Leadership
Most parents try to control their teen’s actions because they care. We want to keep them safe and guide them toward success. But when we focus too much on control, we lose influence.
True leadership isn’t about making someone do what you want. It’s about showing them what’s possible through your own example. When you take care of your thoughts, emotions, and actions, your teen begins to follow your lead—without you forcing it.
Self-Deception: The Lies We Tell Ourselves
In the book Leadership and Self-Deception, “being in the box” means justifying behavior that’s out of line with who we want to be. Parents do this all the time.
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“My teen made me yell.”
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“I had to punish them; it’s the only way they’ll listen.”
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“If they’d just change, everything would be fine.”
These are small lies we tell ourselves to feel better. But they keep us stuck in frustration. When we take an honest look at our own thoughts and choices, we see where we can change—and that’s where our power is.
The Freedom of Letting Go
When you stop trying to control your teen, you open the door to connection.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means focusing on what’s in your control:
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Your attitude
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Your tone
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Your example
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Your follow-through
You can’t control your teen’s choices, but you can control how you respond. And that response can make all the difference.
Awareness Changes Everything
Once you see how often you slip into control or blame, you can’t “unsee” it. That’s good! Awareness gives you the power to choose a better way.
Instead of reacting, you can pause, breathe, and lead with intention. When you do this, your teen feels your calm energy. Over time, that energy builds trust—and trust builds influence.
Final Thoughts
You can’t control your teen. But you can lead them by being who you want to be. When you focus on yourself—your actions, your mindset, your integrity—you give your teen a model worth following.
The best part? You’ll feel more peace, less pressure, and more joy in your parenting journey.
If you loved this episode, go listen to Leadership and Self-Deception. It’s one of my favorite books and a powerful guide for parents.
And remember—
You don’t have to control your teen to influence them.
You just have to control you.
Want Help?
You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
Whether you’re a parent or a teen, I offer free coaching calls to help you get started.
Book a free call today: https://benpughcoaching.com/mini
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