Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them
Why Is No One Talking About This?
Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”
She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”
The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.
Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.
Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”
The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.
You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen
Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.
One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.
One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.
One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”
I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.
The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.
So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.
Shift Your Focus
For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.
In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.
This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.
So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.
One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.
When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.
When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.
The Consequence Quadrant
One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.
This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.
And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.
You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.
It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.
That’s empowering!
Empower YOU and Your Teen
Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.
I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.
But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.
You can be the voice of reason.
You can be the one who goes against the grain.
You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.
You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.
And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!
