It’s sad, but most people never reach their New Year’s goals. In fact, less than 10% of people actually achieve their New Year’s goals by the end of the year.
If you’re like the many people who have the goal of improving their relationship with their teen, or maybe you just want to up level your parenting this year, I want to help you win at your parenting goals.
And, if you want to be one of the 10% of people who actually achieve their New Year’s goals, I want to give you some tips on how to make that happen.
If you want to learn more about goals and habits, checkout these podcasts after you’ve finished this one.
#1 Habits are The Missing Key to Achieving Your Goals
Okay, sometimes I say things that go against the main stream narrative, and this is no different.
While most people are focusing on their New Year’s goals, I’m over here preaching about the importance of HABITS.
If most people fail to reach their New Year’s goals, that’s a pretty good indicator that we’re missing something. Well, I believe that what we’re missing is habit.
So, when it comes to your New Year’s goals, I want to invite you to shift your focus from the big future goal, to the little daily habits that you’d need to accomplish your goal.
Some of questions to ask yourself to help you identify the habits you need to make your goals a reality are:
What habits will make achieving this goal easy?
If I already accomplished this goal, what are some of the habits that I’d be doing?
What am I willing to do regularly (maybe every day, or 5 days a week, or 4 times a month, whatever regularity is needed) to achieve this goal?
When you understand this, achieving your goal becomes much more doable. In fact, sometimes you can even forget about the goal and simply focus all of your energy on the habits.
#2 Make Your Habits Simple, Yet Powerful
Sometimes it’s easy to go crazy with habits. Like, I want to play basketball Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I want to life weights everyday, and I want to walk my dog, and I want to . . .
See how complicated we can make things?
If you make your habits simple, you’ll be more likely to do them. If you make them simple and powerful, you’ll be more likely to stick with them.
So, rather than the big long list of everything I want to do, I might make the simple habit of being active EVERY DAY. You could make a simple check list to make sure that you do at least one thing to be active each day. On days when you happen to do more than one, you could give yourself a simple reward.
One of my favorite and most simple and powerful habits is walking my dog. It’s simple because I don’t have to coordinate with other people. I just grab my dog and go. It’s powerful because it’s super rewarding. Walking my dog helps me feel good physically and emotionally. It’s fun. I enjoy hanging out with my dog. I get to do some of my best thinking while on our walk.
So, as you explore making habits to achieve your goals, make sure they’re simple and powerful.
#3 Find an Accountability Partner
I like this one because I don’t like doing anything alone. If you have an accountability partner, it’s going to be harder to give up when it gets rough. Plus, you’ll push yourself harder and your goals will be more top of mind.
There’s power in having an accountability partner that’s working towards the same or similar goals. So, maybe another mother or parent would be a great partner.
It’s also beneficial to have an accountability partner who’s already accomplished the goal your working for, so maybe a coach or a mentor.
But, there’s another kind of accountability partner that I think is underutilized, but super motivating, someone that your goal benefits beside yourself. For this, I often turn to my teens. If you have the goal of improving your relationship with your teen, and you’ve identified the habit of having 5 calm and interesting conversations with your teen each week, you might ask your teen to help you be accountable for that.
Maybe your habit is to do a thought download every night before bed, you could ask your teen to remind you and check in with you. Not only do teens make great accountability partners, they’re great at calling you our when you’re not doing something, right!?!, but it’s also an opportunity to model some powerful behaviors.
#4 Be Willing to Feel Uncomfortable
If you’re trying to create new habits, it’s going to get uncomfortable. That’s okay. Be willing to feel uncomfortable. Be willing to suck.
If you’re hoping a habit will help you accomplish a goal, it’s going to need to push you past your comfort zone.
This is exactly what you want.
When I start creating new habits, I often tell the people around me that, “I’m starting a new habit, and I might really suck at first, and I might even forget, but I’m going to struggle my way through this as long as it takes.”
That way I’m creating accountability, and committing to discomfort.
#5 Make it Fun and Rewarding
If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably have heard me say that things should be a PARTY With A PURPOSE!
This is no different.
I don’t know why so many adults want to make life so dang boring and dull.
If you want to make habits that you’ll stick with, make them fun. My favorite way to exercise is playing basketball. I like winning, so it’s fun when I’m winning, but it’s most fun when my friends show up and play.
Find ways to make your habits fun. It’s important. Not only will you stick with the habit longer, but you’ll also give it a better effort and energy if you’re having fun.
Also, when people have a hard time breaking old habits, one of the biggest reasons they struggle is because the old habit is benefiting them. Use this principle, that usually works against people trying to break old habits, in your favor.
Make your habit rewarding. If you’re getting a benefit from your habit in the form of a reward, it will be easier to stick with the habit.
Bottom Line
This is the year. Don’t put off your goals and dreams, especially when it comes to parenting, any longer.
Go all in on your dreams. You’ve got this, and want support, I’m here for you!
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by filling in the form below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with ME!!
Your mindset is one of the most important parts of your relationship with your teen.
If you want a better relationship with your teen, start building a better better mindset.
Could you imagine if your iPhone was running on the same programming as the first generation iPhone. It’d be so slow, outdated, and unfunctional.
If you want to make 2024 the best year with your teen, here are some powerful mindset shifts to help you do it.
Old Mindset #1 There’s something WRONG with teens these days!
Okay, we got this when we were teens.
Remember old people saying, “There’s something WRONG with teens these days!”? They’d follow that by calling us lazy, self absorbed, and other derogatory remarks.
I remember complaining about this to my dad, and he told me people complained about him and other teens way back when he was a teen.
It’s an old mindset. Older people complain about teens. We’ve probably been doing it since the dinosaurs. We’re programmed that way, but you can change your programming.
And, if you believe that there’s something wrong with your teen, it’s time to shift that mindset to something more powerful.
New Mindset #1 Teens are amazing, and they’re highly capable!
I’ve recently found out that this is actually one of the reasons I’m able to connect with teens so well. I was recently playing basketball with a bunch of teens and only 2 other adults. It was fun. After our several games, one of the teens told me that he like being on my team because I’m different from most adults. When I asked how I’m different, he said, “You actually like us and treat us like were capable human beings.”
I don’t know where I learned this, but it helped my as a foster dad, principal, teen life coach, and as a dad.
I promise you, your teen is amazing, and they are highly capable human beings.
If you adopt this updated mindset with your teen, I promise you it will make your parenting so much easier in 2024.
Recently we were faced with a mild problem in my home with one of my teens. My wife asked me, “What should we do?” I replied, “I don’t know, but let’s just let him figure it out. He’s capable.”
And guess what. He totally figured it out all on his own.
I was confident in letting him tackle his own problem for 2 powerful reasons. #1, I see him as being highly capable and I trust him, and #2 I’m on this empower the teens kick and I saw this as an opportunity for me to empower him to grow.
If you want to shock your friends, and seem about 100 years younger to your teens, when “old” people complain about “teens these days,” be the one to stand up for teens and talk about how amazing they are and all the awesome things they’re accomplishing.
Old Mindset #2 Parenting teens is hard and it sucks!
Okay, I hear this one all of the time, and it’s killing me!
Multiple times over Christmas break, I heard parents complaining about how hard it is raising teens and how much it sucks, as if it’s an unchangeable fact of life that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
In once instance, I mentioned that I LOVE raising teens because it’s so much fun, and people looked at me like I was crazy.
In an other instance, the parents were doing that comparison thing to see who’s got it worse. It’s like they wanted to one-up the other parent and have the harder parenting teen story.
This is old programming, and it’s going to make it hard to have a better 2024 if you continue to believe that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
New Mindset #2 Parenting teens is exciting and fun!
Here’s a new mindset to try. What if parenting teens is actually exciting and fun? It’s just that you didn’t know it yet. You’ve spent the parenting teen years proving the old belief that it’s hard and it sucks, but now you can start proving just how exciting and fun it is.
I truly love raising teens. It’s so much fun. My wife and I were foster parents for a couple of really young kids, like between 2-5, but they were developmentally much younger. It was during that time that we realized, parenting teens is way better than changing diapers.
One of my top values is having fun. I believe almost everything could and should be a party with a purpose.
If you’re not having fun parenting your teen, your teen’s probably not having fun being parented by you.
Just imagine, how your parenting would be different if you perceived it as being exciting and fun.
Old Mindset #3 My teen needs to change to improve our relationship.
This is one of the mindsets that I see the most often when parents come to me wanting me to work with their teens, which I really do love working with teens, but if you’re not willing to change as a parent, any change your teen creates will be short lived and likely not enough.
It’s part of our programming as humans to focus more on what we think others should do to change, than on what we could actually do to change.
I see this happening in families and in schools. The focus seems to be on fixing, changing, and even controlling the teen. Parents often thing that if they could simply change their teen that they’d have a better relationship with them. School seem to think that if they could just get their students (teens) to care more or be more responsible, or more controllable, then schools wouldn’t be failing.
The problem with this old mindset is that it positions you as the victim, at the mercy of this thing (your teen) outside of your control.
Lucky for you, there’s a much more powerful mindset that will be a game changer in 2024.
New Mindset #3 If I want an improved relationship with my teen, I can BE The Change!
If you want a better relationship with your teen, commit to BEING the Change you’ve been looking for.
This will actually shift you from a victim mindset to a hero and creator mindset.
Just imagine if you spent all of 2024 finding ways to BE the Change rather than trying to change your teen. What impact would that have on your life? What impact would that have on your teen’s life?
The truth is, if you want 2024 to be amazing, it’s up to you to make it so.
These old outdated mindsets will keep you stuck. But, if you can shift these mindsets, you’ll have the best year ever with your teen.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Tuesday, January 9th, @ 4:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
I don’t like scripting out my podcast interviews. Their natural, conversation style.
These show notes will not do this episode justice.
If you want all the gold nuggets from this episode, make sure to listen to the episode!
What is Your Parenting Identity?
One of the things I’ve realized is that if you are struggling to make lasting changes in your life, it is probably because you don’t identify as someone who could make those changes.
Mindset Matters!
Often times, experts, whether in parenting, business, or weight loss focus on the tactics, but they often forget the mindset component.
Mindset is powerful.
How you think determines how you feel, and how you feel determines how you behave.
Managing Your Mind Helps You Parent.
If you want to better connect with your teen, you have to do your own inner work as a parent.
Most parents are reactive and never really take the time to intentionally parent in a way that is true to who they want to be as a parent.
By doing this, you have the power to BE The Change that you want to see.
When you create change on the inside, you will see things change on the outside.
Lasting Change = Doable Change
Most people try to create radical change that is not even who they really want to be.
Corinne mentions that you have to create change that is in line with how you want to live.
If you want to eat pizza and ice cream, you have to figure out how to be someone who eats pizza and ice cream responsibly.
It means figuring out, what can I do TODAY and doing just that.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be Hard
One of the things that I hear all of the time is that “parenting teens is hard.”
Here’s the thing, parenting teens does not have to be hard.
That is a lie.
In fact, parenting teens can be simple, fun, and super easy.
If you find yourself believing that parenting teens is hard, I want you to explore, “What’s so hard about it?”
If you’re like many parents, it’s because you are trying to change your teen.
And, I believe that the hardest thing to do as a parent is to change your teen.
The reason this is so hard is because it’s impossible.
You cannot change your teen.
Sure, they can change, and it might even be because you asked them to, or grounded them, or got all crazy with them.
But still, YOU cannot change your teen.
And, if you think parenting is hard, it might be because you are trying to change them.
BE the Change
So, here’s the secret.
Quit trying to change your teen and simply BE THE CHANGE you want to see in your teen.
BOOM!
Mic drop.
The END!
This one thing will change EVERYTHING!
I love identifying the ONE THING that will change everything because it makes your job more simple.
You don’t have to do everything to create change.
Just do the one thing.
Change Happens from the INSIDE OUT
I promise you, if you stop trying to change things outside of yourself and start changing yourself, you’ll be amazed at how much things outside of you change.
Now, here’s a warning . . .
. . . NEVER change with the intention of getting someone else to change.
You’ll always be disappointed and disempowered.
Simply change for YOU.
BE The Change You Want To See In Your Teen (or even your spouse).
Your Change will Connect You with Your Teen
Something powerful will happen when you start BEing the change you want to see in your teen.
It will help you connect with your teen.
It will magically improve your relationship with your teen.
You’ll find yourself doing fewer things that are disconnective, like criticizing, trying to change them, and trying to control them.
You’ll also find that you are more empowered and impactful as a parent.
Both Teens and Parents Struggle with This, Including Me
Do you ever worry that you’re not good enough?
I recently heard that one of the biggest fears that hold people back is the fear of not BEING good enough.
As I look back on my life as a teenager, and even my life now as a life coach, I can see how the fear of not being good enough has plagued me from time to time.
Comparison Feels Like Not Being Good Enough?
Recently I was at a business event with my favorite business partner ever, my wife.
At this event, there were coaches who were more established than me, more “successful”, more outgoing, making more money, and more confident than me.
Every time I compared myself to someone else, I worried that I wasn’t good enough.
If you worry that you’re not good enough, you’re probably comparing yourself to someone or something else.
You might be comparing yourself to other parents, to your friends, or maybe even to a mythical version of yourself that doesn’t even exist.
The problem with comparison is that it is never accurate and it is often the reason you feel like you’re not good enough.
Worry About What Others Think
Another thing that might be making you feel like you’re not good enough is worrying about what others think about you.
Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.
One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
This anxiousness was holding her back from swimming to her full potential.
Because she was focused on what her parents may or may not be thinking about her, she often didn’t swim as well as she thought she should have.
She was worried about not being good enough, and that was causing her to not be good enough in her mind.
You Are BETTER Than Good Enough
The other day I was speaking with someone and she told me that she had heard someone say, “You are the perfect parent for your children, and your children are the perfect children for you.”
I think she is right on.
You ARE the perfect parent for your teens, in all your imperfection.
And, your teen is the perfect teen for you, in all their imperfection.
Trust that you are actually better than good enough.
You are perfectly matched for your teen, and when you trust this, you will start to see evidence of this all over.
Whether You Are “Good Enough” or Not is Dependent on Your Stories
Henry Ford is famous for saying, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right,”
The same principle is true here. Whether you think you are “better than good enough” or you think you’re not good enough – you’re right.
So, you might as well shift your focus to find evidence that you are awesome!
Your brain finds what you look for.
If you think you’re not good enough, your brain is going to show you all the things that you think are not good enough about you.
If you think that you are better than good enough, your brain is going to show you all the things that you are doing that are amazing.
You get to choose where you place your attention.
Practice Believing that You are Better than Enough.
You truly are better than simply being good enough.
You are amazing.
You are perfectly imperfect, or imperfectly perfect, either way, you are just the way you are supposed to be.
Does that mean that you have no room for growth?
Of course not. But it does mean that you can stop trying to grow and improve because you think you’re not good enough.
Practice appreciating things about yourself.
Seriously, what makes you special and unique?
What gifts do you have that no one else has?
Practice seeing your value.
Join Me for a Transformational Conversation
I’m going to be hosting another live Transformational Conversation, and I want YOU to join me.
If you have a relationship that you want to improve, you need to better understand how YOU are the creator of your relationships with others, especially your teenager.
Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.
Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and beliefs to a deeper level.
Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and let’s create some new and powerful beliefs in your parenting in 2023.
This transformational conversation will be live over zoom, face to face, on Wednesday, February 15th at 12:00 pm MST.
Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.
