Episode 221: Building Better Boundaries with Better Consequences
Your Boundaries Could be Better
If you’re like most parents, your boundaries could probably be better. And, if you’re like me and the parents that I work with, it’s actually much easier that you might think to improve your boundaries.
In case you’re curious, here are some indicators that your boundaries need to be improved:
Regular arguing and fighting.
Feeling like your teen is walking all over you.
Feeling that they other person doesn’t respect your opinion (this applies to parents AND teens)
Feeling a sense of confusion and muddiness when it comes to boundaries.
Basically, I’ve done a lot of work on my boundaries, and a lot of the parents and teens that I’ve worked with have also done a lot of work on their boundaries, and yet, we’re all still working to improve our boundaries.
So, if you are wondering, “Could I improve my boundaries with my teen?”, the answer is probably “Yes!”
The Consequence Quadrant
I want to share with you a powerful tool that has helped me improve boundaries in my home. I call the tool The Consequence Quadrant.
The Consequence Quadrant will help you and your teen better understand consequences, and their role in boundaries, and this will help both of you have better boundaries.
Eventually, I’m going to develop an image for this, but for now, I’ll just explain it to you.
The Consequence Quadrant has two different columns and two different rows.
The top row consists of “Positive” Consequences, while the bottom row consists of “Negative” Consequences.
Now, the column on the left consists of “Natural” Consequences and the column on the right consists of “Enforced or Logical” Consequences.
This creates The Consequence Quadrant.
Shift Your Focus
Now that you have a mental picture of the Consequence Quadrant, let’s talk about where most people focus.
Recently, I taught this concept to one of my teen clients. He said it made total sense and asked why so many adults, specifically parents, don’t get it.
He was quick to recognize that most people focus on “Negative” consequences.
I pointed out that that was only half of the quadrant and asked if he could narrow that down. He replied without skipping a beat, “Negative/enforced consequences. That’s where most people focus.”
I think he’s totally right, by the way.
The truth is, if you’re like most people, when you think about consequences, your brain automatically thinks of punishment, aka negative/enforced consequences.
The problem is that focusing on negative/enforced consequences largely disempowers the person on the receiving end of those consequences.
Take a look at your boundaries and determine whether your boundaries are heavily dependent on negative/enforced consequences.
If you rely on taking away your teen’s phone, screentime, or grounding them, I’m guessing you’re making the same mistake I used to make, especially with my foster kids.
But, thankfully, there’s a better way.
You can shift your focus to Positive/Natural consequences.
When you bring Positive/Natural consequences to your conversations about boundaries, you will empower your teen and make your life way easier.
Rather than trying to control your teens by striking fear into their hearts, you’ll empower them to manage themselves from a place of confidence and power.
Strike a Balance
Now, I’m not saying that you should completely get rid of negative/enforced consequences.
And, I’m not saying that you should only focus on Positive/Natural consequences.
What I am saying is that, we need to use WAY more positive/natural consequences, while striking a balance between the other quadrants.
For example, when I have empowering discussions with my teens I always ask something along the lines of, “What are some positive and negative consequences that could go with this?”
They then discuss with me, for example, “If I skip class on Friday, the advantage is I get to relax and chill. The disadvantage is, I might fall behind in my schoolwork.
That’s an example of balancing awareness between positive and negative consequences.
I might also ask, what do you think would be some positive and negative enforced consequences that could help motivate you.
To which my teen might respond, “If I don’t skip school on Friday, you take me to get a milkshake, but if I do skip school, I don’t get a milkshake.”
That gives me an opportunity to sweeten the deal to reinforce the behaviors that I want to see more of, but it empowers them to choose for themselves.
Empower YOU and Your Teen
Bottom line is, if you want better boundaries with your teen, EMPOWER them!
And, one of the best ways to empower your teen is to help them understand the Consequence Quadrant.
Help them see that the universe already doles out natural consequences, both positive and negative, for every action they take.
This will help your teen think for themselves and make choices based on the positive natural consequences that will truly motivate them.
Recently, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me sharing a similar feeling of having their teen on their last nerve.
I’ve got to be honest, I know exactly how you feel. Recently, I’ve been catching myself being short tempered and impatient with my kids, not just my teens.
One of the things that’s been helping me with this is simply remembering that frustration is simply part of being a parent. In fact, I often remind myself that not only is it part of being a parent, but I signed up for this to help me grow and improve.
It’s also helpful to remind myself that I have the tools to handle my frustration. I try to remind myself, “Ben, you teach parents and teens about Emotional Intelligence all of the time, this is simply an opportunity to practice what you preach!”
I want to preface this podcast with a warning. I call it how I see it. This is not meant to offend, but is meant with all the love that I have for you. And, those of you who I have personally spoken too recently, you know how much I love and care about you!
If you haven’t spoken to me recently, I’m guessing you know how much I care.
So here we go.
YOU Are Responsible for How You Feel
I know, this one is obvious, but it’s also so easy to forget.
You my friend are responsible for how you feel, not your teen. If you’re losing your patience, that’s on you, not your teen. If you’re teen’s getting on your last nerve, that’s on you, not your teen. If you currently don’t trust your teen, maybe they’ve stolen money from you, maybe they’re sneaking around with their girl or boyfriend, or maybe their looking at porn, not matter what your teen is doing YOU are responsible for how you choose to think about them and feel towards them.
I’m not saying that you should just trust blindly, but you can choose to trust that your teen is getting exactly what they need from life, and you can trust that they, and everything, will turn out A-OKAY!
There are a few things that you can do to BE responsible for how you feel.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Step 1, Identify what you’re feeling. Might be anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, dislike, or some combination of multiple feelings.
Step 2, Identify why you’re feeling that feeling. It will always be a thought. It might be, “They should be more open with communication.” or maybe, “They shouldn’t be looking at porn.” or maybe even, “I can’t believe they would do that.”
Ultimately, you have the power to better understand what you’re feeling and why.
Don’t identify as your feeling. Identify as someone who’s experiencing the feeling. Someone who can identify, observe, and explore the feeling, and even intentionally create your feelings. This will help give you power and acceptance over your emotions.
STOP Blaming your teen! This is one of the most disempowering things you can do. You are not at the mercy of your teen. You are responsible for your feelings, not your teen.
Recently, I blamed my 8 year old for my frustration. It was about 10:00 pm and way past his bed time. He and his sister were fighting, and I was convinced that HE was to blame for my frustration. When I took responsibility, I realized that it had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I was stressed about my upcoming live event. I was frustrated at the time that my new day job takes. I was unhappy about the lower numbers of podcast downloads. None of which had anything to do with him. I reminded myself, I’m anxious about the live event because I care so much. That’s a good thing. I might be frustrated about the time my job takes away from my business and family, but I’m really blessed and excited about the job. And, my podcast downloads always go down during summer. I’m okay with that because I want families out having fun, and that might give them less time to listen to my podcast.
You’re Attached to a Desired Outcome that’s Out of Your Control
If you’re like a lot of parent of teens, you might be falling into the trap of being emotionally attached to a specific desired outcome.
For example, I was recently talking with a mom who said that it’s killing her to watch her teen not use good communication skills, even with his friends. I asked how she feels about it and she explained that she felt disappointed, frustrated, and even embarrassed. All of these emotions are signaling that she has an attachment to how she thinks things should be with her teen.
The problem with these attachments is that they are a huge waste of energy. Think about it: you want your teen to behave a certain way, this is your mental focus. When your teen doesn’t behave that way, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed. These emotions are energy inside of you, and these emotions keep you from BEing the mom that you want to be.
Instead, I want to invite you to FIRST, catch yourself being attached to the desired outcome (HINT: You’ll catch yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed). SECOND, I want you to identify what are the things that you’re focusing on that are outside of your control (HINT: These will be thoughts like, “I can’t believe he did that.”) and THIRD, shift your attention to something within your control, (HINT: This will be something to do with YOU.)
The truth is, your attachment to your desired outcomes are holding you back and emotionally keeping you from BEing the parent of your dreams!
It’s Time to Set Better Boundaries
This can be tough. I get it. I need to have a free class for all parents to come learn how to set better boundaries.
For now focus on these few things when it comes to setting better boundaries.
#1, How can I empower my teen and get their input on this boundary?
For me I like to ask empowering questions like, “I understand you want to stay out extra late this weekend. What do you think would be a fair curfew?”
You want to let them do the thinking. If you don’t like their answer, simply say, “I see. That’s a pretty good idea, but I don’t think I can get behind that. How about this instead?” Then just go back and forth working together to come up with something that works best for you.
#2, Focus on building your connection with your teen to improve your boundaries with them.
#3, Experiment with your boundaries. You don’t have to do it “perfectly right” every time. Gain some experience through trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
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Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’ve been listening to my podcast lately, and if you’ve attended one of my Building Better Boundaries workshops, you’ve probably been working on improving your boundaries with your teen.
One of the things that I’ve got to tell you is that, what you give your attention to grows and expands. If you want better boundaries with your teen, git it your attention and energy.
One parent on one of the Building Better Boundaries workshops told me that after implementing what I teach about boundaries, her skill of setting boundaries went from a 3 or 4 out of 10 to a 7-8/10.
And, that’s just after a few short weeks of making better boundaries the intention, the focus, and the practice.
So, if you want better boundaries with your teen, keep making it a priority.
And, to help you do that, I’m going to give you a slightly different angle to approach boundaries with your teen.
Rights vs Privileges
This podcast idea came from a longtime member of IMPACT, like 2-3 years inside the membership. On a recent group coaching call, we were talking about “Rights vs Privileges” and this mom asked if I had a podcast about this, and I realized that I didn’t, So, Danielle, this is for you!
Anyway, there are a lot of teens who do not understand the difference between rights and privileges, and it makes sense because a lot of grown ups don’t seem to get it either.
So today, we’re going to talk rights and privileges, we’re going to talk about how to have a conversation about rights and privileges with your teen, and how rights and privileges can help you have better boundaries with your teen.
And, here’s a little secret hack. Before having this conversation with your teen, have it with yourself and if possible your spouse, so you can have some additional clarity and awareness around rights and privileges.
No “Right” or “Wrong” Answers
One of the first things that I want you to realize is that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers. What’s a right in my home, might be a privilege in yours, or other way around, and that’s perfectly okay!
The bottom line is, you’ve got to figure out what works best for you AND your teen, AND your family.
The other thing is, don’t try so hard to do this “right” that you aren’t willing to make mistakes.
This is a skill that, with practice, you’ll get better and better at.
What’s a Right and What’s a Privilege?
Keep in mind, this could look very different in your home and that’s okay. And, it could look different depending on the circumstances.
So, in my home, a right is something that I’m not going to take away. A privilege is something optional, extra, or something that I might take a way.
For example, in my home eating healthy food at meal times is a right. I’m not going to take away my kids’ rights to eat. I’ll provide the food, it will be relatively healthy, and it doesn’t matter how much trouble you’re in, you get to eat with the family.
Now, that doesn’t mean that my kids will like what’s being served, and they can choose not to eat if they’d like.
So, it might look like this:
Eating the dinner that’s been fixed, Argentine Ñoqui, is your right. Eating cold cereal because you don’t thing you’ll like it is a privilege.
Going to bed at bedtime is a right, staying out late or sometimes going to bed extra early are privileges.
Some other rights in my home include:
Food,
Water,
Shelter,
A bed,
Clothes,
The opportunity to wash your clothes and your wash days,
A bathroom,
Privacy,
And a few others.
Some privileges include:
TV time
Video games
Cell phone
Expensive clothes
Dessert
Alternative meals
Staying out late
Going out with friends
Skipping school
And tons more that I can’t think of right now.
Privileges are Earned
In my home most privileges are earned.
My teens get to stay out pretty late because they’ve earned that privilege by being responsible, doing chores, and staying out of trouble. If my wife and I don’t feel like they’ve earned the privilege, we restrict the privilege.
This is where boundaries come in.
I might ask my son, “What do you think would be a fair expectation for you to earn borrowing my car tonight to go hangout with your friends?”
Then we have a conversation and set some boundaries. He’s motivated to do certain things to earn the privileges, and I’m empowering him to have a conversation with me.
When Rights Become Privileges
Sometimes, rights become privileges. Here’s an example, we had a foster child who was on suicide watch until a bed opened up at a treatment center.
All of a sudden, this teen’s right to privacy became a privilege. In fact, we had to take the door of off their bedroom, give them a body check before and after using the bathroom, and limit bathroom time to a minimum before we had to enter and check on them.
Have a Conversation
If you haven’t noticed yet, I believe that empowering conversations with your teen are vital.
Want your teen to better understand rights and privileges? Have a conversation with them.
Go ahead and ask them, “What do you think the difference between rights and privileges is?”
Ask empowering questions like, “What do you think would fair when it comes to earning (specific privilege)?
One of the keys to building better boundaries is to have empowering conversations.
Rights vs privileges, is a simple, yet powerful, conversation that will empower your teen.
Plus, it’s easy to tie into boundaries.
There’s a Better Way to do Boundaries
There is a common belief among parents that boundaries are hard, and they suck, and they always lead to fighting.
It makes sense that parents would think this way, because a lot of parents experienced boundaries this way as teens, and they’ve gone on to handle boundaries similarly to how their parents did.
But, this doesn’t have to be true. In fact, it’s possible to do boundaries in a way that you and your teen both appreciate the boundary and feel like it’s fair and beneficial.
The truth is, if you’re tired of fighting with your teen over boundaries, your teen is most likely tired of fighting with you too! And, as much as you would like your teen to work with you and buy into the boundaries, your teen would like you to work with them and give them a reason to buy into boundaries.
So, do you want to keep fighting with your teen over boundaries that suck, or do you want to start doing boundaries in a better way that’s easy, that will empower your teen, and that will connect you and your teen?
Want A FREE Workshop On How to Build Better Boundaries WITH Your Teen?
Step 1 – Go Register for the FREE Workshop!
Step 2 – Block our your calendar so you can attend the workshop LIVE.
Step 3- End the fighting and arguing over boundaries FOREVER!
A lot of parents of teens have asked me about setting boundaries lately.
And, I’ve seen a lot of parents make the mistake of trying to use boundaries to control their teens, and the truth is, that just doesn’t work.
So, I’m putting together a free workshop to help parents like you, set boundaries that actually empower your teen and help the two of you work together.
Since you and so many parents replied to me telling me that “they “YES!” you are interested in attending a FREE workshop with me on Building Better Boundaries WITH Your Teen, I’ve decided to do 3 workshops!
These workshops are for YOU! If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re invited. These workshops are for parents of teens, whether you’re a member of IMPACT Parenting or not!
You can even invite your friends.
Practice Setting Boundaries OVER and OVER!
One of the things I’ve heard a lot from parents when it comes to setting boundaries is something like, “I’m terrible at setting boundaries.” or “I’m just not good at it.”
Well, guess what, . . .
. . . If you don’t practice, you’ll never get good at it.
One of the other things that I often hear about boundaries is something along the lines of, “My teen is terrible at respecting my boundaries,” or “My teen really struggles accepting boundaries.”
Usually, one of the main reasons behind teens being “terrible” at, or struggling with, boundaries is simply a lack of practice. They simply haven’t gotten the reps that they need to really be good at boundaries.
So, in this episode I want to share with you 3 ways that you can PRACTICE boundaries with your teen.
3 Ways to Practice Boundaries with Your Teen
#1 Practice in Conversation
This is one of the most underrated forms of practice ever.
One of the most powerful things you can do to practice boundaries with your teen is to simply talk about it.
Ask empowering questions.
#2 Practice in Good Times
Don’t wait until things are rough. Practice setting boundaries with things are going well.
#3 Practice Boundaries that are Tied to Positive Consequences
Most people think of negative consequences when they think about boundaries, and they completely forget about positive consequences.
It’s much easier to talk about boundaries when you can focus on the reward that your teen will earn by respecting the boundary.
There’s a Better Way to do Boundaries
There is a common belief among parents that boundaries are hard, and they suck, and they always lead to fighting.
It makes sense that parents would think this way, because a lot of parents experienced boundaries this way as teens, and they’ve gone on to handle boundaries similarly to how their parents did.
But, this doesn’t have to be true. In fact, it’s possible to do boundaries in a way that you and your teen both appreciate the boundary and feel like it’s fair and beneficial.
The truth is, if you’re tired of fighting with your teen over boundaries, your teen is most likely tired of fighting with you too! And, as much as you would like your teen to work with you and buy into the boundaries, your teen would like you to work with them and give them a reason to buy into boundaries.
So, do you want to keep fighting with your teen over boundaries that suck, or do you want to start doing boundaries in a better way that’s easy, that will empower your teen, and that will connect you and your teen?
Want A FREE Workshop On How to Build Better Boundaries WITH Your Teen?
Step 1 – Go Register for the FREE Workshop!
Step 2 – Block our your calendar so you can attend the workshop LIVE.
Step 3- End the fighting and arguing over boundaries FOREVER!
A lot of parents of teens have asked me about setting boundaries lately.
And, I’ve seen a lot of parents make the mistake of trying to use boundaries to control their teens, and the truth is, that just doesn’t work.
So, I’m putting together a free workshop to help parents like you, set boundaries that actually empower your teen and help the two of you work together.
Since you and so many parents replied to me telling me that “they “YES!” you are interested in attending a FREE workshop with me on Building Better Boundaries WITH Your Teen, I’ve decided to do 3 workshops!
These workshops are for YOU! If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re invited. These workshops are for parents of teens, whether you’re a member of IMPACT Parenting or not!
You can even invite your friends.
You’re Not Alone
If you HATE boundaries, you’re not alone.
If your teen HATES boundaries, you’re not alone and neither is your teen.
Remember back to when you were a teen, did you like boundaries or not?
The truth is, some teens actually like boundaries. They like the structure. They like the sense of security that boundaries gives them. They like knowing what the rules are, following those rules, and feeling a sense of safety and accomplishment for following those rules.
BUT, there are a lot of teens who hate boundaries. They don’t like the structure, and they feel restricted and held back. And, if you’re listening to this podcast, you probably have a teen who falls into the second example.
Now take a minute and remember back to when you were a teen. Did you like boundaries or not? Did you push the limits or play within the limits?
There’s no “right” or “wrong” here. I think I was a little of both. Sometimes I liked boundaries, especially in sports, because they make things more predictable and orderly and safe, but I’ll be honest with you, I thought most of my parents’ boundaries were overbearing, controlling, and unfair.
There’s no “right” or “wrong” ways to do boundaries, but there are some things to understand that will help make boundaries easier, and the first thing to understand is the main reasons parents and teens hate boundaries.
Top 3 Reasons Parents Hate Boundaries
Number 1. I don’t like fighting with my teen.
If you’re like most parents, you probably don’t like fighting with your teen either. And, like tons of parents, boundaries might be a huge source of conflict in your home.
Number 2. I don’t like telling my teen what to do.
Most parents don’t actually like telling their teen what to do, and if you’re like me and the parents I work with, you don’t like it either. In fact, you probably wish your teen would just do things without being told, am I right?
Number 3. I don’t know how to set better boundaries.
Most parents have no clue that there’s a better way to set boundaries. And, if you’re like many parents, you don’t really know how to set better boundaries, but you know there’s got to be a better way than this.
Fortunately, there is a better way, and I’ll tell you about it in just a minute.
But first, let’s explore why teens hate boundaries so much.
Top 3 Reasons Teens Hate Boundaries
Number 1. I don’t like fighting with my parents.
I’ve worked with teens for a very long time. I was a foster parent for teens for 10 years, I’ve been a football coach for at least 10 seasons, I was a teacher for 6 years and a high school principal for 5 years, and I’ve been a life coach for teens for years, and on top of all of that, I remember being a teen.
And, the truth is, your teen doesn’t like fighting with you any more than you like fighting with them.
Number 2. I don’t like being told what to do.
One of the things that teens tell me all the time is, “I hate it when my parents think they have to tell me what to do, right when I was about to do it on my own anyway.”
If you think back on your teenage years, you probably didn’t like being told what to do either.
Number 3. The boundaries aren’t fair.
This one is HUGE. One of the reasons teens hate boundaries is because they don’t feel like they are fair. Fortunately, this is an easy problem to address. If your teen doesn’t think your boundaries are fair, find opportunities to give them a voice and a say in some of the boundaries at your home.
There’s a Better Way to do Boundaries
There is a common belief among parents that boundaries are hard, and they suck, and they always lead to fighting.
It makes sense that parents would think this way, because a lot of parents experienced boundaries this way as teens, and they’ve gone on to handle boundaries similarly to how their parents did.
But, this doesn’t have to be true. In fact, it’s possible to do boundaries in a way that you and your teen both appreciate the boundary and feel like it’s fair and beneficial.
The truth is, if you’re tired of fighting with your teen over boundaries, your teen is most likely tired of fighting with you too! And, as much as you would like your teen to work with you and buy into the boundaries, your teen would like you to work with them and give them a reason to buy into boundaries.
So, do you want to keep fighting with your teen over boundaries that suck, or do you want to start doing boundaries in a better way that’s easy, that will empower your teen, and that will connect you and your teen?
Want A FREE Workshop On How to Build Better Boundaries WITH Your Teen?
Step 1 – Go Register for the FREE Workshop!
Step 2 – Block our your calendar so you can attend the workshop LIVE.
Step 3- End the fighting and arguing over boundaries FOREVER!
