Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them
Why Is No One Talking About This?
Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”
She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”
The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.
Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.
Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”
The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.
You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen
Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.
One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.
One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.
One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”
I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.
The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.
So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.
Shift Your Focus
For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.
In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.
This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.
So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.
One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.
When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.
When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.
The Consequence Quadrant
One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.
This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.
And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.
You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.
It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.
That’s empowering!
Empower YOU and Your Teen
Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.
I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.
But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.
You can be the voice of reason.
You can be the one who goes against the grain.
You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.
You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.
And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!
Real Talk about the book Leadership and Self-Deception
What does it mean to be “in the box” towards someone?
Being “In the Box”= Seeing ourselves and others in a systematically distorted way. Others are mere Objects
Being “Out of the Box” = Seeing ourselves and others more or less as we are, as People.
Self-deception is creating stories based on your own reality that doesn’t serve you!
Collusion
When we are in the box towards someone we generally want to get other people to join in with us and confirm that what we are thinking and feeling is justified.
In the book, Leadership and Self-Deception, there is a story about Kate. She is in the box towards her son for being late home from hanging out with friends. When she was in the box she needed to her son to be doing wrong.
When he shows up on time, but just barely, she still complains about how he is cutting it close.
Kate and her husband were colluding together against their son.
Being the Change
Cortni wanted her husband to read this book since they were in the box against each other. But he didn’t want to. . . until she decided to read it without him and started making changes, then he was finally interested himself.
Ben: Cortni what would you tell someone who thinks this won’t work for them?
Cortni: TRY! Just give it a try. With the membership, give it a shot even for a month. And you will feel so much support from the other moms and Ben. It’s worth it! Just give it a shot.`
COME JOIN AMAZING MOMS LIKE YOU INSIDE THE PARENT MEMBERSHIP
If you want to seriously up-level your parenting, join the membership.
If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.
If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.
If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community in the membership
I don’t like scripting out my podcast interviews. Their natural, conversation style.
These show notes will not do this episode justice.
If you want all the gold nuggets from this episode, make sure to listen to the episode!
What is Your Parenting Identity?
One of the things I’ve realized is that if you are struggling to make lasting changes in your life, it is probably because you don’t identify as someone who could make those changes.
Mindset Matters!
Often times, experts, whether in parenting, business, or weight loss focus on the tactics, but they often forget the mindset component.
Mindset is powerful.
How you think determines how you feel, and how you feel determines how you behave.
Managing Your Mind Helps You Parent.
If you want to better connect with your teen, you have to do your own inner work as a parent.
Most parents are reactive and never really take the time to intentionally parent in a way that is true to who they want to be as a parent.
By doing this, you have the power to BE The Change that you want to see.
When you create change on the inside, you will see things change on the outside.
Lasting Change = Doable Change
Most people try to create radical change that is not even who they really want to be.
Corinne mentions that you have to create change that is in line with how you want to live.
If you want to eat pizza and ice cream, you have to figure out how to be someone who eats pizza and ice cream responsibly.
It means figuring out, what can I do TODAY and doing just that.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Being the Parent of Your Dreams is an Identity Process
Your identity is a powerful driver in your life.
It’s really hard to do things that aren’t aligned with your identity.
Think about smoking for example.
If you’re not a smoker, it would be pretty hard for you to smoke.
It would feel wrong, and icky, and just completely foreign to you.
It’s because, if you identify as a non-smoker, that goes completely against how you think, feel, and behave.
This is important to recognize because if you think you’re a “Bad Parent” it’s going to be hard to do things that you think only good parents do.
Your Parenting Identity is Like Your GPS
If you think about GPS, it only needs two pieces of data to function.
Where you are, and where you want to be.
That’s it.
With those two points, it can calculate different routes to get you where you want to be.
To be the parent of your dreams, you need to trust your parenting GPS, and you need to know where you are and where you want to be.
That is your identity.
Once you know that, tough parenting moments get easier.
Just like having GPS makes driving in unfamiliar territory, knowing your identity makes parenting in uncharted territory easier.
Create a 10-Word Vision Statement
One of my favorite exercises to walk parents through is that of creating a 10-word vision statement for themselves and their parenting.
It’s super easy, and SUPER POWERFUL!
I’ve had several parents name this as the #1 thing that’s changed everything for them.
Here is a simple process for doing this:
Brainstorm/journal for 5-10 minutes about who you want to be as a parent.
What are your values?
How do you want to show up?
Then, take what you just journaled and identify what things are within your control.
“I want my teen to feel safe around me” is outside of your control. You can’t control how your teen feels.
However, “I want to be a safe harbor for my teen and listen with curiosity and love” are things that you can control.
Next, craft a 10-Word Vision Statement that is empowering and within your control.
My favorite that I’ve ever come up with is:
Parenting with love, confidence, and curiosity is easy and fun.
This vision statement will act as your navigation system in awesome parenting moments and in tough parenting moments.
Know Yourself and Trust Yourself
Every parent has a unique blend of skills, strengths, and gifts.
Get to know yours!
Trust that you have been given these skills, strengths, and gifts because YOU are the perfect parent for your teen.
When you know these strengths and gifts, you can access them more easily.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be Hard
One of the things that I hear all of the time is that “parenting teens is hard.”
Here’s the thing, parenting teens does not have to be hard.
That is a lie.
In fact, parenting teens can be simple, fun, and super easy.
If you find yourself believing that parenting teens is hard, I want you to explore, “What’s so hard about it?”
If you’re like many parents, it’s because you are trying to change your teen.
And, I believe that the hardest thing to do as a parent is to change your teen.
The reason this is so hard is because it’s impossible.
You cannot change your teen.
Sure, they can change, and it might even be because you asked them to, or grounded them, or got all crazy with them.
But still, YOU cannot change your teen.
And, if you think parenting is hard, it might be because you are trying to change them.
BE the Change
So, here’s the secret.
Quit trying to change your teen and simply BE THE CHANGE you want to see in your teen.
BOOM!
Mic drop.
The END!
This one thing will change EVERYTHING!
I love identifying the ONE THING that will change everything because it makes your job more simple.
You don’t have to do everything to create change.
Just do the one thing.
Change Happens from the INSIDE OUT
I promise you, if you stop trying to change things outside of yourself and start changing yourself, you’ll be amazed at how much things outside of you change.
Now, here’s a warning . . .
. . . NEVER change with the intention of getting someone else to change.
You’ll always be disappointed and disempowered.
Simply change for YOU.
BE The Change You Want To See In Your Teen (or even your spouse).
Your Change will Connect You with Your Teen
Something powerful will happen when you start BEing the change you want to see in your teen.
It will help you connect with your teen.
It will magically improve your relationship with your teen.
You’ll find yourself doing fewer things that are disconnective, like criticizing, trying to change them, and trying to control them.
You’ll also find that you are more empowered and impactful as a parent.
