213 – Simplifying Parenting: Mindset, Skillset, and Habits
We Like To Overcomplicate Things
Human beings love to overcomplicate things, and if you’re like most human beings, you probably fall into this trap sometimes.
For example, a lot of parents focus on their teen’s grades, and they create elaborate rewards and punishments meant to incentivize their teen to improve their grades.
If you look at work culture, there are tons of complicated, stupid/common sense rules. In my experience it’s way more simple to just hire good people who are there to do their best and who don’t need stupid rules to tell them what to do and what not to do. In stead, we want to have 100 page employment manuals.
If you catch yourself implementing stupid rules, meant to control your teen, you’re over complicating parenting and you’re over complicating your teen.
Fortunately, there’s a better way!
3 Simple Problems
I wish I’d have learned this way earlier. This would have helped me be a better parent, principal, life coach, football coach, and mentor much earlier.
Now that I know this, I feel like I am so much more equipped to help others grow and improve.
For you, as a parent of a teenager, this will help you know better how to support your teen in their growth and their development.
Though this is super simple, it does come with a warning.
Just because you see this and know this, doesn’t mean that you have the power to change, fix, or control your teen.
You can help them IF THEY WANT YOUR HELP.
So, don’t try to force this on your teen. Simply see it and lean into your own inner wisdom and explore how to help them.
So, what are the 3 simple problems?
MINDSET
SKILLSET
HABITS
#1 Mindset
Right now in the coaching and therapy world, mindset is huge, which is a good thing, because it was neglected and ignored for way to long.
But, sometimes people focus too much on mindset and don’t balance the need to address skillset and habits.
Mindset problems are tied to your thoughts and your mind (obviously).
A lot of people have no clue how their thoughts impact their feelings and their actions.
A lot of the mindsets that you have as a parent, you picked up from your parents who had those same mindsets.
When you can gain awareness around your mindset, how you think and what you think, you will then gain the power to choose how and what you think. With this power to choose, your choices will program your mind overtime to think through a new lens.
One of the awesome things about shifting your mindset is that in some areas, you can make a radical shift really quickly, though in other areas it might take years.
In my early coaching days, I have to admit that I over valued mindset, and focused more on that than anything. Now I believe I’m much more balanced.
Before my coaching days, I probably mostly ignored mindset. So, I’m glad it’s getting more attention now.
With practice, you can reprogram your mindset.
Teen and Parent Mindset Problems
Here are some examples of mindset problems in parents and teens.
A lot of teens who struggle with self-image, have a mindset problem.
For example, they compare themselves to others. This is a mindset.
A lot of parents of teens struggle accepting their teen and connecting with them. Often this is a mindset problem because they’re comparing their teen to what they think their teen should be.
A lot of parents and teens who struggle with depression, anxiety, and overwhelm are simply struggling from a mindset problem, that with a little work, they could completely change and improve.
As a football coach, I see mindset problems all the time when my players think things like, “I can’t do that,” or “Coach hates me,” or “I’m the best player ever, and coach doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
When I can identify mindset problems, I can help address them in my players and in my teens.
#2 Skillset
Skillset and habits are what most people have focused on in the past, and they’re super important, but all the skill development in the world will never make up for a poor mindset.
So, keep in mind, there needs to be a balance between the three, and often there will be overlap with the three.
A lot of the teens that I work with have some mindset problems. Sometimes we can address those in just 1 week. But, they continue to struggle because they don’t have the skills required to thrive.
Let’s take basketball for example. You can have the proper mindset to execute a layup, but without the skill, you’ll still struggle.
Just like with mindset, and habits really, you can reprogram your skillset. It takes practice and repetition.
In sports, I feel like this is easy to see. There are players with the right mindset, but they don’t have the skills to back it up. They might get into a game, thinking, “I’ve got this. I can do this,” only to find out that they are lacking the skills to actually do the task.
Teen and Parent Skillset Problems
Here’s how I see this in parents and teens.
When I work with parents, they can usually change their mindset in the very first coaching call. With the new mindset, they totally want to parent differently and better, but in the heat of the moment, they often lack the skill of parenting differently. Sometimes this can take a few weeks. But, with intentional practice using the wheel of life, they’re able to relatively quickly build new skills.
Teens are the same way. I have a teen client who completely changed her mindset around school, grades, homework, and procrastination, but it took her a few months to revamp her skills when it came to better managing school.
#3 Habit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Habits get a bad rap. People talk about BAD habits more than they talk about GOOD habits. You’ve probably focused more on BREAKING bad habits than you have focused on BUILDING good habits.
The truth is, habits aren’t good or bad. They’re neutral, and they work in the background of your subconscious mind.
The secret is, your habits will work for you or against you, depending on what you program into your BEing.
There is some overlap with habits, skillset, and mindset, but habits are their own unique point to this triangle.
I know people who have a great mindset, they’ve developed some powerful skills, but they keep getting pulled back into their old habits.
I fall into this trap, especially when it comes to my weight and health. I’ll work on the mental game and greatly improve my mindset around food, exercise, and my health. I’ll develop the skill of exercising and improve my technique when I lift. I’ll even learn the skill of fixing healthy food, but in the moment, I’ll fall back into old habits either without thinking or simply because I want the pleasure that comes with the old habit.
The truth is, just like mindset and skillset, habits need to be trained and reprogrammed.
Teen and Parent Habit Problems
When it comes to habits that are hurting parents and teens, one of the biggest ones that I see is constantly allowing yourself to be distracted by your phone. This is a habit that is wreaking havoc on parent/teen relationships. And, it’s BOTH parents AND teens.
If you’re like many of the parents who are often distracted by your phone and/or social media, you’re missing opportunities for connection. If your teen is like a lot of teens, and they’re distracted by their phone, social media, and video games, they’re also missing opportunities.
Now, you CAN’T change your teen, but you can BE The Change you want to see with your teen. YOU CAN build new habits and lead the way by modeling the habits you want to see.
Another habit that I often see is BEing critical. I see this in parents towards both themselves and their teen, and others. I also see this in teens, towards themselves, their parents, and others.
The habit of being critical will rob you of happiness, gratitude, and connection.
This is a habit that starts with you. I can’t tell you how many times a mom has told me that after managing her self-talk and her inner-criticism, that she completely stopped criticizing others.
Putting It All Together
Awareness is a powerful force. If you’re like me, and the parents I work with, you’re probably tired of going through life and your parenting distracted and unaware.
Take the time to gain some awareness around the problems that you and your teen are facing. Become aware of whether your problems are related to Mindset, Skillset, or Habits, or a combination of the 3.
With this awareness, you can now simply solve for the problem at hand.
Got a mindset problem? Address the mindset. Question your thoughts and beliefs. Choose new thoughts and beliefs. Let it be simple.
Got a skillset problem? Take time to learn new skills. Get good at teaching new skills to your teen. Let it be simple.
Got a habit problem? Understand the habit. See how it used to serve you, but how it’s now hurting you. Then, take your energy from the old habit and redirect it to building a new habit.
I promise. This is easier than is sounds. Let it be easy and let this help you BE The Parent of Your Dreams!
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