If you’re like most parents, you probably want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life.
If you don’t want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life, you’re listening to the wrong podcast.
If you’re wanting to change your teen, control your teen, or fix your teen, you’re probably not having the impact that you’d like to have on your teen, because those ways of parenting will have a negative impact on your teen.
So, I wanted to share with you the 7 most powerful things that I see IMPACTFUL Parents doing. If you’re in my membership, IMPACT, you’ve seen parents do this. In fact, you might be one of the parents that I’m referencing. If you’re not in the membership yet, this will get you started down the path of having a powerful impact on your teen’s life.
This is one of my favorite things to teach inside the membership, and it’s one of the easiest concepts to understand.
Picture this: a simple T-Chart. On top, you write down a specific circumstance, (ex. Johnny is failing math.) On the left hand side it says, “Things I CAN Control.” On the right hand side it says, “Things I CAN’T Control.” Simple, right? Now, you go to work filling out the T-Chart. On the right hand side, you write down all the things you CAN’T control, like: I can’t control whether or not he does is homework. I can’t control whether or not he turns it in. I can’t control whether or not he sleeps through class. I can’t control whether or not he likes math. I can’t control whether or not he talks in class. I can’t control what his teacher thinks about him. And the list could go on and on.
Then we fill out the left side, what I CAN control. It might look like this: I can control whether or not I talk to him. I can control whether or not I email his teacher. I can control what I think about it. I can control how I feel. I can control how I behave.
You see, impactful parents shift their attention and their energy from things outside of their control, to the things within their control, and then they ONLY Control the Controllables!!
If you want to be more IMPACTFUL, control ONLY the controllables!
#6 Practice On the Top of The Wheel
This is one of the most underutilized practices in the world. Everyone wants to change and improve, but nobody’s willing to practice.
Being the parent of your dreams can be hard. You’re going to mess it up. So, get some more reps under your belt by practicing.
Want to be better? Practice, practice, PRACTICE! Repetition is the mother of all learning. It can be hard to change because you’re working against old programming. Creating lasting change means creating new programming. Creating new programming takes practice and developing new neural pathways.
And, make sure to practice when your at the top of the wheel. It will be easier. It will be more impactful, and it will be accompanied by more positive emotion.
Want to parent differently than everyone else? Want to have more impact? Practice your parenting during top of the wheel moments!
#7 Model the BEhavior they Want to See
Here’s a little secret that no one wants to admit, but we all know it. Your teen ISN’T listening to you, but they are WATCHING you!
The most powerful thing that you can do to have a powerful impact in your teen’s life is to MODEL the behavior you want to see in your teen’s in your own life.
BE The Change You Want to See!
One of the biggest mistakes parents make, including me, and probably you too, is demonstrating the exact behavior you want to eliminate from your teen. For example, have you ever yelled at your teen for yelling at people? Or, have you ever hit your teen for hitting a younger sibling? Or, have you ever criticized your teen for being too critical.
It’s okay if you’ve ever made any of these mistakes. It’s simply part of our herd animal programming. It natural to mirror others, which is important, so remember the idea of MIRRORING! If you’re teen’s grumpy and yelling at you, it’s natural to be grumpy right back and yell at them. This is mirroring.
BUT, if you can be intentional and MODEL the BEhavior you want to see in your teen, chances are that they will MIRROR YOU! It might not be immediately, and it might not be until they themselves are a parent, dealing with a teen who’s awfully similar to how they were as a teen, that they revert back to what they saw you do, but by modeling the behavior, you are giving them an example of how to be.
Want to parent for more impact? BE the parent of your dreams and model that behavior!
SPECIAL Bonus: Let Your IDENTITY Be Your Guide!
Last, but not least. Be aware of your identity. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Let that identity be the beacon in the distance that draws you closer, the compass that guides you along the way. Inside the membership, I teach parents how to create their own 10 Word Vision Statement for themselves to guide them in their parenting.
Take time to define who you want to be as a parent. Take time to imagine what that would look like. Visualize it and feel what it would feel like to be you. From that emotional state, move forward with action or inaction, but let your intentional emotions fuel your behaviors.
This is one of the most powerful things that impactful parents do differently!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’re like most parents, you probably want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life.
If you don’t want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life, you’re listening to the wrong podcast.
If you’re wanting to change your teen, control your teen, or fix your teen, you’re probably not having the impact that you’d like to have on your teen, because those ways of parenting will have a negative impact on your teen.
So, I wanted to share with you the 7 most powerful things that I see IMPACTFUL Parents doing. If you’re in my membership, IMPACT, you’ve seen parents do this. In fact, you might be one of the parents that I’m referencing. If you’re not in the membership yet, this will get you started down the path of having a powerful impact on your teen’s life.
IMPACTFUL Parents Do This . . .
#1 Enjoy the Journey
I was talking with a mom the other day who told me something along the lines of, “I can’t wait until my teenager moves out of the house.” In her mind, she’s focused on the destination, her teen leaving home, and thinking that then she’ll be able to enjoy life. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re going to look back and miss the journey.
So, find ways to enjoy the journey. Embrace the process. Appreciate the struggles and the growth. Make the journey and adventure, a fun road trip, a party with a purpose.
Want to BE and impactful parent? Enjoy the journey!!
#2 Make Connection the Priority
This one can be tricky. A lot of parents who are stuck in the “Controlling parent trap” are making correction or compliance the priority, and as a result, their connection with their teen is suffering.
Your connection with yourself also plays a powerful role in your connection with your teen. If you don’t fully love yourself, it will be hard to fully love your teen. Let me give you an example. Say your teen comes to you and says, “Mom, can I have $10?” If you don’t have $10, it’s going to be hard to give your teen $10. And, if you’re like me, your teen’s are often asking for more than $10.
Bottom line is, you can’t give something that you yourself don’t have. If you want a better connection with your teen, start by building a better connection with yourself. Make connection the priority. Ask yourself empowering questions like, “How is my own connection?” or “How could I better connect with myself?” or “How could I better connect with my teen?”
Want more impact in your teen’s life? Create deeper connection!
#3 See Opportunities when Others See Obstacles
We live in a world that loves obstacles. Obstacles give us excuses to quit, or to not reach our potential. Seeing obstacles is easier and safer than seeing opportunities. Opportunities can be challenging, difficult, and scary, but that’s a powerful mindset to operate from as a parent.
In my membership, I teach about the difference between the Hero mindset and the Victim mindset. We’re not going to go into that whole thing, but understand that if you’re getting hung-up on the obstacles, your in the victim mentality. If you’re programmed to see the opportunities, you’re in the hero mentality.
We live in a world where most people focus on the obstacle. Most parents are stuck in the victim trap, but if you want to have a profound impact on your teen’s life practice being in the hero mindset.
I’m not saying that you won’t see obstacles. What I’m saying is that you’ll start seeing obstacles and opportunities as the same thing, just viewed through different lenses. Obstacles and opportunities are simply different sides of the exact same coin.
When you see an obstacle, like “My teen’s failing math”, find an opportunity. “I’m going to order some pizza, and we’re going to work on math together while having a pizza party together.” Every obstacle is an opportunity if you choose to find it.
Want to have more impact in your teen’s life, and be way happier? Start interpreting obstacles as opportunities.
#4 Manage Their Own Model
If you’ve listened to me for a while, or followed other coaches who teach the Self-Coaching Model like Brooke Castillo, Jody Moore, or Marika Humphreys (my personal coach at the moment), you are familiar with the concept of Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results.
I love the Self-Coaching Model. I teach it inside the membership. One of the biggest problems that I see when it comes to the Self-Coaching Model, and coaches are the worst at this! So if you’re a life coach yourself, listen up!
The biggest mistake that I see when it comes to the Self-Coaching Model is trying to manage or manipulate someone else’s model.
Let’s all just agree to stop doing this!
You can only manage your own model. It’s your teen’s job to manage theirs, your spouses job to manage theirs, your bosses job to manage theirs, and your mother-in-laws job to manage hers.
The better you get at managing your own Self-Coaching Model, the better you will model how to manage your own model, and the better you will demonstrate the benefits of managing your own model.
Want more impact on your teen’s life? Manage your own model.
#5 Control ONLY Their Controllables (Next Week’s Episode)
#6 Practice On the Top of The Wheel (Next Week’s Episode)
#7 Model the BEhavior They Want to See (Next Week’s Episode)
SPECIAL Bonus: (Next Week’s Episode)
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Want to Improve You or Your Teen’s Mental, Emotional, and Physical Health?
Whether you want to improve you or your teen’s mental, emotional, or physical health, here are some simple tricks to help you do that.
Remember, it’s not your job to manage your teen’s mental, emotional, and physical health. Yes, you can support them, you can offer suggestions, and encourage, but you can’t control your teen’s mental, emotional, or physical health.
As always, my recommendation is that you lead by example. BE the Change you want to see!
Take Care of Physical Needs
Move
This could be as simple as going on a walk. It could be playing a game or sport.
It could be going to the gym.
This also helps with feeling restless, tired, and bored.
Rest
This might mean going to bed early.
Parents hate this one, but it could mean sleeping in.
It could mean just taking a break, sitting on the couch, and getting a moment of rest
Nourish
Eat something healthy.
I know it goes against what we were taught, but protein and fat are good sources of nourishment.
Drink water.
Take time to breath.
Touch
I need physical touch.
When I was a principle, I used to give my students high-fives, knuckles, soft slugs on the shoulder, we even had pillow fights in the commons using couch cushions.
Bathe
Shower, take a bubble bath, even simply washing your face or applying lotion can help.
Increase Emotional Intelligence
Understand that emotional health is your ability to experience any and ALL emotions! If you’re going through some sucky emotions, I’m sorry, and that’s part of being emotionally healthy.
Now, most everyone is by default emotionally healthy, meaning they can experience the whole range of emotions, any and ALL of them.
Where parents and teens struggle is in their emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence means that you can identify exactly what you’re feeling and why.
If you’re like most parents, and if your teen is like most teens, you guys might be struggling with your emotional intelligence, meaning you’re struggling to identify exactly what your feeling and/or understanding why you’re feeling it.
If you want to increase your emotional intelligence, you need to practice emotional intelligence. I recommend intentionally practicing identifying what your feeling in any given moment multiple times per day. Then, exploring what is making you feel that way. Spoiler alert, it will always be some form of a thought, whether conscious or subconscious.
Manage Your Mind
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts or your “To Do” list in your head, write them down. Put them on paper. Make them more tangible.
If you’re worried about the past, plan for the future with hope.
If you’re worried about the future, shift your focus to something that you can control in the present moment.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Would you be willing to trade 5 minutes of your time and attention, every day, in exchange for a better relationship with your teen?
I want to teach you how to improve your relationship with your teen by simply taking 5 minutes to reflect on the things that you like most about your teen.
Get bonus points if you write down three things about your teen that you are grateful for.
These can be small, specific things or broader characteristics. The key is to focus on the positive aspects of your teen and your relationship with them.
How to Do It:
Find a quiet moment during your day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
Bonus points if you can do this 3 times a day (morning, afternoon, AND evening).
Take a deep breath and clear your mind.
Practice shifting your attention from things you don’t like to things you DO like.
Write down three things you appreciate about your teen. This could be their sense of humor, a kind act they did, or even their resilience in facing challenges.
Reflect on these points and feel the gratitude genuinely.
Why This Habit is Impactful:
Shifts Your Focus to Positivity: This habit helps shift your focus from the negative behaviors or challenges that you’re experiencing with your teen to the positive aspects of your teen, which will change the overall tone of your interactions and reduce conflict.
Improves Your Parenting Mindset: Practicing gratitude has been shown to increase overall happiness and reduce stress. By starting or ending the day with a positive reflection, you will feel more positive and empowered.
Improve Your Parent/Teen Relationship: When you consistently acknowledge and appreciate your teen’s positive qualities, it will lead to better feelings and better communication. Teens pick up changes like this, which will reduce their defensiveness and improve their behavior.
Promotes Self-Reflection: This habit encourages you to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts, fostering a deeper understanding of your relationship with your teen and your own emotional responses.
Most Parents Miss This
Most parents miss this because they focus on problem-solving or they focus on controlling their teen’s behavior, hoping it will improve their relationship with their teen.
If you’re like most parents, this focus is keeping you stuck.
Fortunately, shifting to a simple, positive reflection practice of gratitude, though it might seem overly simple and counterintuitive, is extremely effective.
Gratitude changes your narrative from “What’s going wrong?” to “What’s going right?”, which will be a powerful catalyst for change in your relationship with your teen.
By adopting this daily gratitude reflection habit, you will develop a more positive outlook, build a stronger emotional connection with your teen, and greatly improve your parenting in just a few minutes each day.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’re like most parents, you probably struggle with outdated parenting programming.
In fact, if you and your teen are struggling in your relationship, chances are this is a sign that you have some old programming that is no longer serving you.
#1 Don’t Be Ashamed
You don’t need to be ashamed of your old parenting programming.
Feeling shame about yourself isn’t going to help you create the change that you are looking for.
So, rather than feeling ashamed, be grateful that your old programming has gotten you this far. Understand that you didn’t choose to be programmed this way. Others in your life, parents, siblings, families members, neighbors, community members, friends, teachers, everyone has unintentionally added to your programming.
It’s not a problem, it’s simply a part of being human.
Our mind is seeking to create programs and patterns to follow. It’s okay.
When you can get past the shame, it will be easier to work through this process.
#2 Awareness
I love awareness. It’s easy and it’s powerful.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t un-see that”?
Often that’s referring to a new awareness. It’s like those old illusion pictures of an ugly old woman or a beautiful young lady. In the beginning, you can only see the one that you can see, but once you’ve been shown the other image, you can’t unsee it. You always are aware that it’s there.
When I coach people on creating change, often awareness is the first step that I’ll walk them through.
For example, if you wanted to lose weight, we’d spend the first week or two simply gaining awareness. For example:
How much do you weigh?
What type of food are you eating?
How many calories are you eating?
What types of food do you like to eat?
Is there anything healthy that you could eat everyday?
How much sleep are you getting?
How much sleep do you need?
How active are you?
I would start observing and questioning everything when it comes to your old programming. For example, if you caught yourself yelling at your teen, you might say to your self, “That’s interesting. Why am I so upset? Why am I yelling? Where did I learn to yell? How do I feel when people yell at me? What are some alternatives to yelling?”
You see, the goal is to simply explore and understand.
This can be hard because most people to skip awareness and go straight to intention. It’s also hard to look at your life and see what’s really going on.
You’re not working on creating change here, just on gaining awareness.
It’s easier than creating change, and when you get to creating change, your efforts will be more informed.
#3 Acceptance
This is related to #1, Don’t Be Ashamed, but it takes it one step further.
You can’t go back in time and completely avoid your old programming. You can’t change your past, but you can accept your past as a necessary step that got you here.
Acceptance is HUGE. It will help you embrace your past experience, and even use it to help you let go and move forward.
When I was 13, I accidentally lit my school bus on fire with rubber cement. There’s no going back. I can’t undo that. In fact, I wouldn’t even if I could.
I’ve accepted that part of my past. I’ve embraced it, and I use it to help me move forward. It’s a part of who I am, and it helps me be who I want to be.
You’re not perfect. You’ve done things according to your old programming that you wish that you could take back. But, when you accept that that old programming was you doing your best, you can build on it and improve your current programming thanks to your old experience.
This is a powerful process that will help you accept who you are and start to grow from a place of love, compassion, and confidence rather than from shame, guilt, and disgust.
#4 Intention
With awareness under your belt, you’re ready for to practice intention.
This is hard and can take time. Be patient with yourself and accept where you are today as an important step to where you want to be tomorrow.
Part of intention is understanding and knowing where you want to go.
It’s important to understand your old programming and to know exactly what programming you want to replace it with.
For example, when I was young I was programmed to believe the following about money:
It’s hard to get.
There’s never enough.
You have to work hard to get it.
Once you get it, you need to save it.
Now that I’m aware of my old programming, I’m more intentional about how I choose to think about money. For example, I know intentionally practice the following thoughts about money:
Money comes to me easily.
I have more than enough.
I can simply do what I love to attract money into my life.
Having money helps me help others.
By being intentional about my programming, I can choose how I program my subconscious mind.
You might have old programming like:
If my teen gets poor grades, it means I’m failing as his mom.
If my teen doesn’t obey me, they don’t respect me.
My teen won’t be successful if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
You might want to change the programming to be more like:
What my teen chooses to do in school is up to them, not me.
It’s possible for my teen to disobey me and still respect me.
My teen will be successful even if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
#5 Practice Proving Your New Mentality
The last step is to practice proving the new programming. When you catch yourself in the old programming, find evidence disproving the old programming and proving the new programming.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
