Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them

Why Is No One Talking About This?

Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”

She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”

The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.

Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.

Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”

The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.

You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen

Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.

One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.

One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.

One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”

I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.

The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.

So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.

Shift Your Focus

For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.

In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.

This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.

So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.

One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.

When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.

When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.

The Consequence Quadrant

One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.

This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.

And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.

You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.

It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.

That’s empowering!

Empower YOU and Your Teen

Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.

I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.

But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.

You can be the voice of reason.

You can be the one who goes against the grain.

You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.

You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.

And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!

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Episode 221: Building Better Boundaries with Better Consequences

Your Boundaries Could be Better

If you’re like most parents, your boundaries could probably be better. And, if you’re like me and the parents that I work with, it’s actually much easier that you might think to improve your boundaries.

In case you’re curious, here are some indicators that your boundaries need to be improved:

Regular arguing and fighting.
Feeling like your teen is walking all over you.
Feeling that they other person doesn’t respect your opinion (this applies to parents AND teens)
Feeling a sense of confusion and muddiness when it comes to boundaries.

Basically, I’ve done a lot of work on my boundaries, and a lot of the parents and teens that I’ve worked with have also done a lot of work on their boundaries, and yet, we’re all still working to improve our boundaries.

So, if you are wondering, “Could I improve my boundaries with my teen?”, the answer is probably “Yes!”

The Consequence Quadrant

I want to share with you a powerful tool that has helped me improve boundaries in my home. I call the tool The Consequence Quadrant.

The Consequence Quadrant will help you and your teen better understand consequences, and their role in boundaries, and this will help both of you have better boundaries.

Eventually, I’m going to develop an image for this, but for now, I’ll just explain it to you.

The Consequence Quadrant has two different columns and two different rows.

The top row consists of “Positive” Consequences, while the bottom row consists of “Negative” Consequences.

Now, the column on the left consists of “Natural” Consequences and the column on the right consists of “Enforced or Logical” Consequences.

This creates The Consequence Quadrant.

Shift Your Focus

Now that you have a mental picture of the Consequence Quadrant, let’s talk about where most people focus.

Recently, I taught this concept to one of my teen clients. He said it made total sense and asked why so many adults, specifically parents, don’t get it.

He was quick to recognize that most people focus on “Negative” consequences.

I pointed out that that was only half of the quadrant and asked if he could narrow that down. He replied without skipping a beat, “Negative/enforced consequences. That’s where most people focus.”

I think he’s totally right, by the way.

The truth is, if you’re like most people, when you think about consequences, your brain automatically thinks of punishment, aka negative/enforced consequences.

The problem is that focusing on negative/enforced consequences largely disempowers the person on the receiving end of those consequences.

Take a look at your boundaries and determine whether your boundaries are heavily dependent on negative/enforced consequences.

If you rely on taking away your teen’s phone, screentime, or grounding them, I’m guessing you’re making the same mistake I used to make, especially with my foster kids.

But, thankfully, there’s a better way.

You can shift your focus to Positive/Natural consequences.

When you bring Positive/Natural consequences to your conversations about boundaries, you will empower your teen and make your life way easier.

Rather than trying to control your teens by striking fear into their hearts, you’ll empower them to manage themselves from a place of confidence and power.

Strike a Balance

Now, I’m not saying that you should completely get rid of negative/enforced consequences.

And, I’m not saying that you should only focus on Positive/Natural consequences.

What I am saying is that, we need to use WAY more positive/natural consequences, while striking a balance between the other quadrants.

For example, when I have empowering discussions with my teens I always ask something along the lines of, “What are some positive and negative consequences that could go with this?”

They then discuss with me, for example, “If I skip class on Friday, the advantage is I get to relax and chill. The disadvantage is, I might fall behind in my schoolwork.

That’s an example of balancing awareness between positive and negative consequences.

I might also ask, what do you think would be some positive and negative enforced consequences that could help motivate you.

To which my teen might respond, “If I don’t skip school on Friday, you take me to get a milkshake, but if I do skip school, I don’t get a milkshake.”

That gives me an opportunity to sweeten the deal to reinforce the behaviors that I want to see more of, but it empowers them to choose for themselves.

Empower YOU and Your Teen

Bottom line is, if you want better boundaries with your teen, EMPOWER them!

And, one of the best ways to empower your teen is to help them understand the Consequence Quadrant.

Help them see that the universe already doles out natural consequences, both positive and negative, for every action they take.

This will help your teen think for themselves and make choices based on the positive natural consequences that will truly motivate them.

TAKE THE QUIZ

#98 Boundaries: Myths, Truths, and Secret Tips!

Boundaries done well will make your life easier as a parent.

“Children learn to hold boundaries based on how we hold boundaries.” ~Brené Brown

Boundaries Myths:

I want to start off by dispelling some common myths when it comes to raising teens and setting boundaries.

MYTH:
Boundaries are hard!
TRUTH:
Boundaries don’t have to be hard or complex. In fact, the best boundaries are simple!
MYTH:
Boundaries will control my teen.
TRUTH:
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you can’t control your teen. BUT, you can control you! Boundaries are meant to help you be the parent you want to be.
MYTH:
I have to have boundaries established ahead of time.
TRUTH:
You can establish boundaries at any time. Sometimes it’s beneficial to have them established ahead of time, sometimes it’s beneficial to establish them in the moment, and sometimes it’s beneficial to establish them retroactively.
MYTH:
Boundaries will push my need away.
TRUTH:
Boundaries will actually help your teen better connect with you. It will help them see and understand how to connect with you. Your teen might not like your boundaries, but that’s not your job.
MYTH:
Good parents make restrictive boundaries.
TRUTH:
Your boundaries don’t have to be restrictive.

Common Mistakes When Setting Boundaries

I’m not trying to judge you or how you set boundaries. I’m just trying to share some of the common pitfalls that I’ve noticed parents often make when trying to set boundaries.

Usually, the only reason I would call it a “mistake” is that it doesn’t create the results that they are looking for.

MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries to control your teen.
SECRET TIP:
Shift your focus from your teen (something outside of your control) to what you can control, how you will respond.

MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries to get your teen to change or do something different.
SECRET TIP:
Again, this is focused on changing your teen or getting them to do something different, both outside of your control. It’s better to focus on what YOU CAN CONTROL, you and how you will think, feel, and act.

MISTAKE:
Trying to be “COOL” and setting no boundaries.
SECRET TIP:
Don’t worry about being cool. Sometimes your teen will not like your boundaries, and that’s okay!

MISTAKE:
Making boundaries super complicated.
SECRET TIP:
The best boundaries are simple and clear.

MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries without even attempting to get your teen’s input or getting them on board.
SECRET TIP:
When possible give your teen a voice. Give them the opportunity to chime in and help make the boundaries even better.
MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries out of anger and/or fear.
SECRET TIP:
Fear and anger rarely help you be the parent of your dreams. Love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope tend to help parents be more like that totally awesome version of themselves that they imagined back when they were teens. Try setting boundaries out of love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope.

Boundaries are Important for YOU and YOUR TEEN!

Sometimes boundaries aren’t fun. Brené Brown boundaries as a “parenting sacrifice, or is [the] the process by which we make family sacred?

Be willing to do this process.

How you set and hold boundaries will give your teens an example of how to set and hold boundaries.

Boundaries will give your teen structure, safety, and the power to exercise their own choices.

Boundaries will give you structure, safety, and a guide for how you want to parent in the face of your teen’s choices.

Boundaries will improve your relationship with your teen.

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Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.

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