Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them
Why Is No One Talking About This?
Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”
She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”
The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.
Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.
Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”
The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.
You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen
Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.
One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.
One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.
One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”
I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.
The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.
So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.
Shift Your Focus
For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.
In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.
This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.
So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.
One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.
When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.
When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.
The Consequence Quadrant
One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.
This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.
And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.
You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.
It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.
That’s empowering!
Empower YOU and Your Teen
Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.
I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.
But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.
You can be the voice of reason.
You can be the one who goes against the grain.
You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.
You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.
And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!
Each day practice being the parent of your dreams.
My Top Ten Daily Habits for Parenting Success
Set Your Intention Each Day
Last thing before you go to bed, set your intention for the following day.
First thing when you wake up in the morning, remind yourself of and commit to your intention.
Here’s some examples from my life.
Today I will listen with curiosity, patience, and love.
Today I will develop awareness around my emotions.
Today I will be fun, energetic, and engaged with my children.
Today I will learn a new way to connect with my 15 year old son.
Commit to Connection Daily
Be 100% committed to connect to your teen.
Choose to love your teen.
Show them that you love them.
Show them that you are confident that they will be okay.
Let them know that you trust that EVERYTHING will be okay.
Connect with them right where they are.
Stay calm, listen, treat your teen with kindness and fairness, and do your best to let them know that you aren’t mad and that you love and care about them.
Embrace the Moment
Far too often we are guilty of not being present.
Don’t try to avoid the moment.
Don’t try to fix, change, or improve it.
BE IN THE MOMENT.
Be in the moment WITH your teen!
Manage Your Mind
I like to use the Self-Coaching Model
I also like to use the Be, Do, Have Model.
I am starting to get into journaling and writing.
Sharing what I’ve learned with others.
Trust Yourself, Your Teen, and the Process
This one is HUGE for me this year.
Trust will change everything.
You are exactly what your teen need, they are exactly what you need and want, and the process you two are experiencing is exactly what you need.
Let Go Of Things Outside of Your Control
This is hard, but so powerful.
When you hold onto things outside of your control, you lose power and energy.
When you let go, you have more power and energy to put towards things within your control.
Let go of your teen’s model and manage your own!
Practice, Practice, Practice
One of my favorite lessons, and one I came up with myself, is the “Wheel of Time.”
When you’re on the top of the wheel, practice and prepare for when you are on the bottom.
When you’re on the bottom of the wheel, just keep going and do your best to do what you practiced at the top of the wheel.
Life is all about practice and improvement.
It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect.
Be Willing to Be Wrong and/or Make Mistakes
One of the things that divides parents and teens is when one or both of them are committed to being “Right!”
Be willing to be wrong.
Let your teen be “Right!”
Be willing to make mistakes.
Be the example of what to do when you make mistakes.
Be The Change You Want to See
This is one of my favorite saying and teachings.
If you want your teen to be something else, YOU Be that change!
If you want your teen to be more confident, YOU Be more confident in both your teen and yourself.
Play to Your Strengths
Last but not least, play to your strengths.
Yes, you have weaknesses, and if you’re listening to this podcast you probably want to address your weaknesses, but trust your strengths.
God gave you strengths that are unique to you.
Trust them and use them!
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it’s a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.
Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he’d be behind bars and “ruin” his life.
This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen.
She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.
Parenting From Shame
It’s also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control
Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen.
If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it’s likely because you are worried about what others think about you.
Also, if you worry that you aren’t good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning
When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen.
Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed
When Theresa realized that she didn’t have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son’s behavior. Though she didn’t agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills.
Changing from The Inside Out
When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside.
When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen.
Theresa’s growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced.
When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.
Harness Your Energy
Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be.
When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way.
Call to ACTION!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Recently, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me sharing a similar feeling of having their teen on their last nerve.
I’ve got to be honest, I know exactly how you feel. Recently, I’ve been catching myself being short tempered and impatient with my kids, not just my teens.
One of the things that’s been helping me with this is simply remembering that frustration is simply part of being a parent. In fact, I often remind myself that not only is it part of being a parent, but I signed up for this to help me grow and improve.
It’s also helpful to remind myself that I have the tools to handle my frustration. I try to remind myself, “Ben, you teach parents and teens about Emotional Intelligence all of the time, this is simply an opportunity to practice what you preach!”
I want to preface this podcast with a warning. I call it how I see it. This is not meant to offend, but is meant with all the love that I have for you. And, those of you who I have personally spoken too recently, you know how much I love and care about you!
If you haven’t spoken to me recently, I’m guessing you know how much I care.
So here we go.
YOU Are Responsible for How You Feel
I know, this one is obvious, but it’s also so easy to forget.
You my friend are responsible for how you feel, not your teen. If you’re losing your patience, that’s on you, not your teen. If you’re teen’s getting on your last nerve, that’s on you, not your teen. If you currently don’t trust your teen, maybe they’ve stolen money from you, maybe they’re sneaking around with their girl or boyfriend, or maybe their looking at porn, not matter what your teen is doing YOU are responsible for how you choose to think about them and feel towards them.
I’m not saying that you should just trust blindly, but you can choose to trust that your teen is getting exactly what they need from life, and you can trust that they, and everything, will turn out A-OKAY!
There are a few things that you can do to BE responsible for how you feel.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Step 1, Identify what you’re feeling. Might be anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, dislike, or some combination of multiple feelings.
Step 2, Identify why you’re feeling that feeling. It will always be a thought. It might be, “They should be more open with communication.” or maybe, “They shouldn’t be looking at porn.” or maybe even, “I can’t believe they would do that.”
Ultimately, you have the power to better understand what you’re feeling and why.
Don’t identify as your feeling. Identify as someone who’s experiencing the feeling. Someone who can identify, observe, and explore the feeling, and even intentionally create your feelings. This will help give you power and acceptance over your emotions.
STOP Blaming your teen! This is one of the most disempowering things you can do. You are not at the mercy of your teen. You are responsible for your feelings, not your teen.
Recently, I blamed my 8 year old for my frustration. It was about 10:00 pm and way past his bed time. He and his sister were fighting, and I was convinced that HE was to blame for my frustration. When I took responsibility, I realized that it had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I was stressed about my upcoming live event. I was frustrated at the time that my new day job takes. I was unhappy about the lower numbers of podcast downloads. None of which had anything to do with him. I reminded myself, I’m anxious about the live event because I care so much. That’s a good thing. I might be frustrated about the time my job takes away from my business and family, but I’m really blessed and excited about the job. And, my podcast downloads always go down during summer. I’m okay with that because I want families out having fun, and that might give them less time to listen to my podcast.
You’re Attached to a Desired Outcome that’s Out of Your Control
If you’re like a lot of parent of teens, you might be falling into the trap of being emotionally attached to a specific desired outcome.
For example, I was recently talking with a mom who said that it’s killing her to watch her teen not use good communication skills, even with his friends. I asked how she feels about it and she explained that she felt disappointed, frustrated, and even embarrassed. All of these emotions are signaling that she has an attachment to how she thinks things should be with her teen.
The problem with these attachments is that they are a huge waste of energy. Think about it: you want your teen to behave a certain way, this is your mental focus. When your teen doesn’t behave that way, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed. These emotions are energy inside of you, and these emotions keep you from BEing the mom that you want to be.
Instead, I want to invite you to FIRST, catch yourself being attached to the desired outcome (HINT: You’ll catch yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed). SECOND, I want you to identify what are the things that you’re focusing on that are outside of your control (HINT: These will be thoughts like, “I can’t believe he did that.”) and THIRD, shift your attention to something within your control, (HINT: This will be something to do with YOU.)
The truth is, your attachment to your desired outcomes are holding you back and emotionally keeping you from BEing the parent of your dreams!
It’s Time to Set Better Boundaries
This can be tough. I get it. I need to have a free class for all parents to come learn how to set better boundaries.
For now focus on these few things when it comes to setting better boundaries.
#1, How can I empower my teen and get their input on this boundary?
For me I like to ask empowering questions like, “I understand you want to stay out extra late this weekend. What do you think would be a fair curfew?”
You want to let them do the thinking. If you don’t like their answer, simply say, “I see. That’s a pretty good idea, but I don’t think I can get behind that. How about this instead?” Then just go back and forth working together to come up with something that works best for you.
#2, Focus on building your connection with your teen to improve your boundaries with them.
#3, Experiment with your boundaries. You don’t have to do it “perfectly right” every time. Gain some experience through trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
We might cover things that make you uncomfortable.
I might state opinions that you disagree with.
If you don’t want your teen listening to this, and you’re driving around in the car, turn this episode off and come back and listen when you’re free to listen without worrying about other’s ears.
Also, please don’t feel like you have to agree with everything that I say. You don’t even have to agree with anything, and we can still be friends.
I’m sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experience to help you gain a more intentional awareness of your own thoughts, opinions, and experiences when it comes to porn.
I also want to be clear. I do NOT support viewing pornography, especially for teens. I think viewing porn can be compared to gambling, drinking, eating junk food, and a ton of other bad habits.
Can you use pornography responsibly? Sure.
It it easy to abuse and slip into bad habits? Absolutely.
How You Talk is a Reflection of How You Think
One of the biggest problems that I have with our modern relationship with porn is the way that we talk about it.
We talk about porn like it’s a death sentence. Like it’s the worst thing possible. Like it’s something shameful and something that needs hidden.
Let’s stop promoting fear!
Here are a few of my concerns.
The problem with calling pornography an addiction is that it disempowers the “addict” and it gives more power to pornography.
When we blame, we disempower ourselves and the person we’re blaming.
When we refuse to talk about it in a constructive way, or at all, it becomes even scarier.
How you talk about anything is a reflection of how you think, what you believe, and how you see reality. Be aware of this.
You might want to have a conversation with YOURSELF about porn, record it, and play it back and explore, “What is the way I talk about this telling me about me?”
Let’s take power away from porn by changing how we talk and think about porn.
It’s not the end of the world. It’s not a death sentence. It’s not something that people have to struggle with for the rest of their lives.
Let’s be a part of the change!
Disempowering Beliefs about Pornography
Pornography will ruin your ability for connection.
If you look at porn, you’ll become addicted.
It only takes one look.
Those images will never leave your mind.
This will never go away.
The desire to look at naked people is bad.
It will take me months or years to quit looking at porn.
This means something’s wrong with me.
My teen is evil if they’re looking at porn.
Basically, any believe the victimizes you is disempowering.
Be careful about what you CHOOSE believe when it comes to porn. What you believe is your reality.
Change the Narrative
I’ve worked with several young men, and even a few dads, when it comes to pornography and helping them quit viewing pornography.
Most of them, along with the parents, thought that it was something that they would struggle with for the rest of their lives. The truth is, most of them were able to decrease their porn use after just one week. Some were able to completely eliminate porn use after just one week.
Rather than talking about how destructive and addictive it is, I talk about how easy it can be to overcome.
When I talk about porn, I don’t have any judgement or shame or embarrassment. I accept my clients as they are, where they are.
When clients come to me seeking help with pornography, they usually come to me feeling some shame, hopelessness, and fear.
After our first conversation, they feel hopeful, confident, and connection.
Separate Porn from Masturbation
One of the things that I think is important to talk about is that everyone’s definition for porn is different. We don’t really have a clearly cut definition of what porn is. When I talk to my clients, I like to clarify what porn means to them. For some it’s looking at any image that sexually arouses them. For some it’s super mild, for some it’s pretty hardcore.
Also, peoples’ definitions of masturbation differ. Typically I define it as arousing yourself to the point of orgasm.
Now, I think it’s important to separate porn from masturbation.
One of the things that makes it extremely hard to quit viewing porn, is to use porn as an arousal tool for masturbation.
The reason is because masturbation cerates a huge dopamine rush. It’s orgasmic. It’s supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to leave you wanting to come back for more. That’s how we’re designed to ensure the future of our species.
And, if you look at human beings 10,000 years ago, we were designed to have babies at a young age and have as many as we could with as many people as we could to diversify our genetic make up.
So, in modern times, we’re trading being sexually active for masturbation. Which I don’t have a problem with.
The problem is when you’re viewing pornography, coupled with masturbation, the climax that comes with orgasm is a powerful pleasurable experience that reinforces the habit of viewing porn.
This might be controversial, and it’s okay, you don’t have to agree, but when I have clients who want to quit viewing porn, I tell them to separate porn from masturbation. They can masturbate, but not to porn.
The cool thing that happens is, when they masturbate without looking at porn, immediately afterwards their desire to look at porn decreases.
Some of my clients have had success quitting porn by masturbating before having an uncontrollable desire to look at porn. This often led to a decreased amount of masturbation afterwards.
Understand the Underlying Driver
Ultimately, it’s your emotions that drive you to look at porn.
The better you get at developing your emotional intelligence, the better you will understand the driver. Once you understand your emotional driver, you can address that.
What happens with humans, and you and I are no different. We do things that give us an emotional response, and based on the pleasure of the emotional response, we’ll either seek it out in the future to recreate the same emotional response, or we’ll avoid it to avoid an undesirable emotional response, and with time this becomes our habitual nature, our way of BEING.
When you understand the underlying emotional driver, loneliness, boredom, shame, guilt, desire, you can start creating new habits.
If you want to end your dependency on porn, or if you teen wants to end theirs, it’s all about identifying the old unintentional habits and developing new intentional habits.
Control the Controllables
I can’t control if my teens look at porn or not.
I can control the streaming tools that we purchase.
I can’t control what my teen looks at on their phone, especially if their at a friends house, but I can control the filters that we use.
I can’t control what my teen thinks about porn, but I can have empowering conversations with them about porn.
I can’t control how my teen behaves, but I can be intentional about the boundaries and expectations that I put in place.
Get Your Teen Help IF They Want Help
Don’t force your teen to get coaching, go to therapy, or talk to their church leader if they don’t want to when it comes to porn.
Your teen will only quit looking at porn if they want to.
