This will be the last podcast episode of 2024. As I’ve thought about the New Year, and this past year, I’ve been exploring my life, where I am, where I’m going, what values are driving me, and what changes I’d like to make in my life, and I came to the realization that I’m holding myself back.
I have goals and dreams when it comes to my physical health, my business, my family, and this morning as I woke up and explored my life, I was able to see specific areas of my life where I’m holding myself back.
If you’re like me, you’re probably holding yourself back in areas of your life too.
Now, here’s the crazy thing about your life, your dreams, and your goals. They’re all connected. For example, I have goals of being physically fit and returning to the athleticism that I enjoyed in my twenties. I also have the dream of having an extremely successful coaching practice where I have other coaches working with me and I help hundreds of thousands of parents and teens.
Now, those two things, my physical health and my life coaching business, may seem unconnected, but the truth is that they are extremely connected. They’re connected by ME, and by me BEing the Me of My Dreams.
Lately, I’ve been feeling the pull to start BEing the man I want to be when it comes to my physical health. I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to impact the dreams that I have for my business, but I know that holding myself back in the realm of my health, is also holding me back in my business.
So, this starting now, and in the New Year, my focus is on setting myself free and BEing the Me of My Dreams!
Stop Blaming and/or Making Excuses
This morning as I was waking up, I had a dream that I was reffing a little league football game. The dream was similar to a real life experience I had this summer, and I feel that I’m meant to share it with you.
This summer, while reffing, one game in particular, the coaches kept blaming the refs, me and another ref, for bad calls or no calls. I tried to explain to the coach exactly what I was looking for and why I wasn’t making the call he was looking for.
Rather than coach up his players and help them be better, he kept blaming “the bad refs”. The more he blamed the refs, the more his players started blaming the refs. Then, the parents started blaming the refs.
Then after the game, I overheard his post game speech, in which he told his players that the loss wasn’t on them, it was on the poor officiating.
The problem with blaming and making excuses is it takes all responsibility from the person doing the blaming and making excuses.
Rather than embracing the opportunity to coach up his players, and help them get better, he told his players, you have no responsibility here. You’re just a victim at the mercy of the refs.
If you want to reach your goals and dreams, catch yourself blaming, making excuses, complaining, or even criticizing. See it for what it is. It’s disempowering. It’s you focusing on someone or something outside of your control. And, it’s holding you back!
BE The Change You Want to See!
If you’re anything like me and the other parents that I work with and that listen to this podcast, there are things in your life that you’d like to change.
Also if you’re like me and other parents here, you’re probably guilty of seeing the changes you’d like to make in your teen.
I want to invite you to BE The Change You Want to See!
I know it sounds simple. I know it sounds like it won’t actually change anything, but I promise you it will change EVERYTHING!
If you feel pulled to improve your health, but you think, “That’s not going to change my relationship with my teen,” or “That’s not going to change my financial situation,” I invite you to trust the pull. Trust your inner wisdom. Take control of the little things that you can control and then wait and see how they impact things outside of your control.
I’ve worked with countless parents who wanted me to somehow change their teens. But, when they took it upon themselves to BE The Change, they were amazed at how much their teen then changed.
If you’ve been listening to me lately, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Victim Mentality.
Recently a lot of parents have talked to me about their teen, or even their spouse, being in the victim mentality.
Some have asked, “How do I get my teen out of the victim mentality?”
We’ll get to that, but first, there’s some important things I want you to understand about the victim mentality.
Understand the Victim Mentality
First off, the victim mentality is part of being human. Because of the brain that we have, which is capable of really complex thoughts, we as humans have the capability of getting into the victim mentality, including your teen.
“Everyone gets in the victim mentality from time to time. It’s part of being human. But, once you’re aware of it, you now have the power to choose whether or not you want to stay in the victim mentality or leave it for the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
Plus, with it being a common human condition, it’s important to realize that as herd animals, it’s easy to fall into the trap of the victim mentality when that’s the predominate mentality of our current society.
Also keep in mind, most people aren’t aware that they’re in the victim mentality. Once you gain awareness, it’s catching yourself in the victim mentality, and reaping the results of this mentality that help motivate you to move from the victim mentality to the hero mentality.
In other words, you teen needs their experience in the victim mentality to help motivate them to move to the hero mentality on their own.
Also, just because we see them as the victim does not mean that they want us to swoop in as their hero.
And, technically, if you’re focused on your teen’s mindset, and trying to fix them, you are focused on things outside of your control, which indicates that you too are in the victim mentality.
What Is the Victim Mentality?
“I talk about 3 different mentalities: the victim mentality, the hero mentality, and the creator mentality. The reality is, you are always the creator, whether you realize it or not, but what you create is determined by whether you’re in the victim mentality or the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
What’s the Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You find opportunities
You’re grateful for trials and struggles
You embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
It’s a Choice
“It can be hard to get out of the victim mentality. It’s as simple as a choice, but it’s hard when it’s how you’ve been trained to think, and it’s the mentality that you see most prominently around you.”
Ben Pugh
The truth is, you have the power to choose how you will think, but first you have to develop awareness. Once you have awareness around your mindset, you then have the power to choose, which mentality will be your mindset.
It can be humbling to realize that when you are in the victim mentality, you’re choosing that mentality.
But, it’s empowering to realize that you have the power to choose to switch your mindset to the hero mentality.
You Are Only Responsible for YOUR Mindset
I’m sorry to break this to you, but you can’t get your teen out of the victim mindset for them. Doesn’t matter if it’s your teen or your spouse, they have to do this all on their own.
And, this might actually be one of the biggest traps that parents fall into, trying to control your teen’s mindset, because it’s something outside of your control, and if you’re trying to manage your teen’s mindset, you’re not managing your own.
But their are ways to support them in shifting their mindset; you just can’t do it for them.
“It’s not your job to get anyone else out of the victim mindset; not your teen, not your spouse, not anyone but yourself. If others around you are in the victim mindset, be the shining example of being in the hero mindset.”
Ben Pugh
The most powerful way to support your teen in getting out of their victim mentality is for you to manage your mindset!
You can teach them, you can punish them, and you can bribe them, but the most powerful thing you can do is be an example of the hero mindset.
Practice and Model the Hero Mentality
I think that practicing new skills is hugely underutilized and under appreciated.
If you want to think differently, you have to train your mind to think differently.
Seriously, practice reprogramming your mind to see the world through the hero mindset.
For this, I like to use the Wheel of Life.
When you’re on the top of the wheel, catch yourself BEING the hero. Pat yourself on the back when you catch yourself seeing opportunities when others see obstacles.
Really use the top of the wheel to practice the hero mentality.
And, when you catch yourself on the bottom of the wheel, maybe you’re focusing on things outside of your control or only seeing obstacles, intentionally explore and seek to understand why you’re in the victim mentality.
With that awareness, you can then start practicing the choice of intentionally shifting your focus to things within your control.
Want to Create a Healthier and Happier Relationship with your Teen at IMPACT Live?
Step 1 – Go get your tickets.
Step 2 – Go highlight June 20-22 on your calendar.
Step 3- Come have the time of your life connecting with your teen!
If you feel lost as a parent, it’s probably because you don’t really know where you want to go or who you want to be.
In fact, if you’re unhappy as a parent, I guarantee it’s tied to this same principle.
That’s why in my FREE audio course, Parenting from the Inside Out, one of the first things that we work on is IDENTITY.
If you don’t know who you want to be, you’ll have a hard time living in alignment with that identity.
One of the first questions that I ask people is, “What are you hoping that I can help you with?”
You see, I need to know what they want, where they want to go, so that I can know how to help them.
So, if you’re feeling lost as a parent, or if you’re feeling unhappy as a parent, explore, “Where do I want to go?” and “Who do I want to be?”
Stop Focusing On What You DON’T Want
Another thing that will leave you feeling lost is focusing on what you DON’T want. This is one of the things that teens and parents both do. They don’t know what they want, but they are consumed with what they DON’T want.
By focusing on what don’t want, you’re actually creating more of what you don’t. You’re giving your attention and energy to the thing that you don’t want, which attracts more of what you don’t want.
This is one of the mistakes that I often make as a parent. Rather than focusing on what I like about my teen, and what I want for them, I focus on what I don’t like and what I don’t want.
This changes my energy towards my teen.
If you’re anything like me, when you’re focusing on things that you DON’T want, you’re more likely to have an external focus on things outside of your control.
Define What YOU Want
One of the first things that I have my clients do is to Define What They Want.
For parents, I have them create a 10 word vision statement. For teens, I might have them create a vision statement or define some goals, but it’s important that you know what WANT.
It’s also important to define what YOU want, not what others want you to want. This can be hard, especially if you’re used to trying to make others happy and trying to manage other’s models.
This will help you shift your attention and energy off of what you don’t want. This will help give you direction in “tough” parenting moments because, rather than trying to avoid what you don’t want, you can move towards what you do want.
Focus On Only What You Can Control
One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is focusing on things outside of their control.
A common example is, “I want to be the type of parent that MY TEEN wants and feel comfortable to talk to.”
The problem is, it’s focused on something outside of your control, your teen.
You could be an amazing parent, and your teen still might not want to talk to you.
Instead, bring that focus into something with in your control. For example, “I want to love my teen no matter what. I want to treat them with love and respect.”
It’s focused on you and what you can control.
Live In Alignment with Your TRUE Desires by Experimenting
This is massively important, and it’s one that a lot of us get wrong.
In religion, a lot of us are taught about “right” and “wrong” and that we should only do what’s “right” and avoid what’s “wrong” at all costs. And, if you’ve done something “wrong”, you’re bad.
Well, I’m hear to tell you that there’s a better way to live in alignment.
You have to experiment and learn from trial and error.
You see, you’re going to be confronted with “tough” parenting moments, when you don’t know what to do. If you’ve taken the time to define who you want to be and where you want to go as a parent, this “tough” parenting moment will be easier, but you still won’t know how to best handle it until you’ve experienced it.
And, for me, I have to take blind action, or limited sight action. I do what I think is best and I pay attention to how it feels. Sometimes I get to pat myself on the back for a job well done and now understand that I’ve learned how I want to handle such things.
Other times, I feel a sense of out of alignment, and sometimes it can feel icky, but it’s an opportunity to course correct and realize, I want to try something different in the future.
Every “tough” parenting moment is an opportunity to experiment and practice living in alignment with who you want to be and where you want to go as a parent.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
In this podcast, I discuss exploring spirituality with an open mind, and acknowledging that traditional religious views may clash with non-traditional perspectives.
I differentiate between spirituality and religion, emphasizing a personal exploration without claiming expertise.
I challenge the notion that worthiness determines spirituality, sharing personal experiences to advocate for a focus on personal alignment and integrity.
We delve into the concept of co-creation, where everything is spiritually created before manifesting physically.
I discuss the power of thoughts and emotions in shaping our reality, stressing the importance of aligning inner desires with external actions. I suggest a shift from external religious focus to internal connection with divinity, asserting that the most direct link to God is within ourselves.
Discipline plays a crucial role in spiritual growth, aligning actions with our desired identity.
I highlight the creator mentality, emphasizing that individuals shape their reality through their thoughts and feelings.
Take responsibility for our reality and realize that spirituality is a personal learning journey, not something you can be taught but something that you can only learn through YOU.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Lately I’ve felt directed to discuss things concerning spirituality.
I’ll do a podcast on spirituality, what it is, what it isn’t, what it’s often confused with, especially in religion, and more.
But this episode isn’t specifically about spirituality, but it is about something that will help deeper connect you with things of a spiritual nature.
So, as you listen, try to listen for things that ignite your soul.
3 Mentalities
When I was a principal, there was a time when we had a poster hung up above the cafeteria doors that said something like.
Victims see only obstacles, while heroes see only opportunities.
I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like that.
I remember that it jarred me at the moment.
At that moment, I remember being very focused on the obstacles in my life as a principal.
I remember feeling very frustrated and defeated, and I realized that I was totally in the victim mentality.
So, I started questioning, “What opportunities am I missing?”
Instantly, my mind was flooded with opportunities that I had previously been blind to.
This time in my life was an opportunity to delegate more responsibility to my staff and my students.
It was an opportunity to train and level up people around me.
It was an opportunity to let go of things out of my control.
That little sign completely changed my reality.
Since then, I’ve come to realize that there’s 3 mentalities; Victim Mentality, Hero Mentality, and the Creator Mentality.
I came to this realization a couple months ago while on a walk with my wife and my dog.
I remember having my mind blown wide open.
I happened to have a group coaching call right after the walk and I instantly taught my members this concept.
Now, I want to teach it to you.
Victim Mentality
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You’ll find opportunities
You’ll be grateful for trials and struggles
You’ll embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
Creator Mentality
So, let’s talk about the last and most powerful mentality.
I like to call it either creator mentality or the god mentality.
If the victim mentality is the world happening TO you, and the hero mentality is the world happening FOR you, the creator mentality is the world happening THROUGH you.
This means, that you look at your reality, your results, as something that’s come through you.
This can be a tough pill to swallow!
If you’re at a weight that you don’t want to be at, like I currently way between 245-250 lbs. I want to weigh 195-200 lbs. I created this reality.
The thing is, when you swallow this tough pill and you accept ownership of your reality, you embrace the power that you have to create a new and different reality.
You begin to see your hand in EVERYTHING.
You begin to see how you have the power to create change all around you.
You’ll know you’re in the creator mentality if:
Start taking responsibility for you and the things you can control.
You let go of things outside of your control and redirect that energy to things within your control.
You see things that you want to create and you feel confident that you can create them.
You feel empowered, confident, and bold.
This is where you want to be.
As a parent, this means that you’re no longer blaming your teen for your poor relationship.
You’re no longer making excuses and criticizing yourself and others.
You see the relationship that you want with your teen, and you go about creating that relationship.
Now, sometimes people ask, “So, you want my to just blame myself for what my teen’s doing?” or “You want me to ignore my teen’s part in all of this.”
Well, NO, I don’t want you blaming yourself for what you’re teen’s doing. That’s actually more of the victim mentality.
And, YES, you may need to ignore your teen’s part in things because it’s OUTSIDE of your control.
All this does is help you take back your power by being responsible for YOU and ONLY the things you can control.
By doing this, you can re-harness your energy and re-apply it to you instead of all the things outside of your control.
Why this is SO Important
The secret is, whether you’re in the victim mentality, the hero mentality, or the creator mentality, YOU ARE THE CREATOR of your reality.
So, if you’re in the victim mentality, that’s the reality that you’re creating.
If you’re in the hero mentality, that’s a definite level up from the victim mentality.
When you embrace the creator mentality, there’s nothing that can stand in the way of YOU being the you of your dreams.
When you start taking responsibility for your reality, you claim the power that comes with having created your reality, which gives you the power to create a new reality however you want it.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
