Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them

Why Is No One Talking About This?

Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”

She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”

The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.

Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.

Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”

The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.

You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen

Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.

One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.

One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.

One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”

I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.

The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.

So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.

Shift Your Focus

For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.

In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.

This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.

So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.

One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.

When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.

When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.

The Consequence Quadrant

One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.

This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.

And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.

You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.

It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.

That’s empowering!

Empower YOU and Your Teen

Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.

I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.

But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.

You can be the voice of reason.

You can be the one who goes against the grain.

You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.

You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.

And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!

REGISTER

#055 Up-Level Your Parenting!

When you judge your teens, you disconnect with them.

“When I pull back and look at the big picture, does it matter if my kid sleeps all day? (. . .) In the big scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter.”
~ Marika Humphreys

“It was helpful to question and really let go of my expectations of what I thought my kid should be doing, and that was the gateway towards acceptance of who my child really is, and now I see them as the amazing kid they are.”
~ Marika Humphreys

“I stopped judging my kid, and I know I’m closer to them than ever before.”
~ Marika Humphreys

What if What You Think Is A Problem, Isn’t a Problem.

Many of the problems that we see, are only “problems” because the world around us tells us they are problems.

Often, it’s our judgement that something is a problem that creates our emotional discomfort.

Don’t Try to Control, Change, and/or Fix Their Kids

When we can let go of control, we start to connect with our teens.

I Have the Confidence to Trust MYSELF and MY Teen

It’s my job to foster who my kids are, and I can do that! I am the best parent to do this.

Your teen will help you to grow as a parent.

“It’s NOT About The Nail”

Call to ACTION!

Connect with Marika at www.CoachMarika.com

Become A Firmly Founded Parent today. You can transform yourself as a parent!

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.

Become the Parent of Your Dreams TODAY!

#049 My Top 3 Parenting Mistakes

We all make parenting mistakes, being able to identify them and be aware of them empowers us to learn from them.

“It’s not how we make mistakes, but how we correct them that defines us.”
~ Rachel Wolchin

#3 Catastrophizing!

This is one of my all-time favorites. Some people have accused me of making this word up, but it’s a real word with a real definition.

catastrophize

: to imagine the worst possible outcome of an action or event: to think about a situation or event as being a catastrophe or having a potentially catastrophic outcome

This is one of the biggest mistakes that I make as a parent and that I see many of my clients making. They will see a circumstance, maybe their teen’s action, and they will start worrying about the worst possible outcome.

“They’ll die in a ditch somewhere,” or, “They’ll ruin their future,” or, “They’ll live in my basement FOREVER!”

I am guilty of doing this. When my sons want to blow off practice for their sport, my brain goes to, “They’ll probably never play, if they even make the team at all.”

This is a huge mistake because it completely changes how you parent. Catastrophizing is only a thought, or possibly many thoughts. As a thought, it creates your feelings, which drive your actions and create your results.

Catastrophizing makes you miserable. It causes you to feel worry, anxiousness, shame, fear, and a whole host of other uncomfortable feelings. Catastrophizing robs you of the joy and peace that you can experience as a parent. It triggers your amigdala and puts you into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

#2 Trying to Fix, Change, or Control Your Teen.

This one is HUGE! This one rivals number one on this list. Again, this is something that I am often guilty of as a parent. And, it is something that I see over and over with the parents that I work with. Whether it’s happening in my life, my clients lives, or your life, I can tell you this; you CANNOT fix, change, or control anyone else!

Not only is this something that you cannot do, but it will cause huge amounts of frustration and negative emotion in your life.

Trying to fix, change, or control your teen is trying to get part of their model to fit into your result line in your model.

Also, trying to fix, change, or control your teen also sends the message that, “I don’t trust you,” or “I think you’re doing it all wrong,” or “There’s something wrong with you.”

Bonus – Honorable Mentions

Not knowing and/or defining your core values as a parent.
Not knowing and/or defining your role as a parent.
Trying to be perfect
Thinking you’re not good enough

#1 Focusing On Things OUTSIDE of Your Control

This is the #1 thing that I am seeing right now in my own life and in my experience working with parents that is a “mistake.” And, by mistake I mean that this is an action that they are taking that does not lead to the results that they want.

Recently I’ve worked with parents who are obsessed about the decisions that their teens are or are not making in regards to life choices, like school, grades, graduation, college, and marriage.

I’ve coached parents who are upset with their in-laws. They want them to behave differently when it comes to their grandkids and their roles as grandparents.

I recently coached a parent who found out about some of her teens actions from years in the past that could come with some pretty severe consequences. She is so worried about how others will take the news, whether her son will take responsibility, what will the family think, and so on.

In every circumstance, the answer is the same – identify what’s within your control and what’s outside of your control, let go of the things outside of your control, and double your focus on the things that are within your control.

Call to ACTION!

Stop beating yourself up for your parenting “mistakes”.

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.

Become the Parent of Your Dreams TODAY!