If you’re like most parents, you probably struggle with outdated parenting programming.
In fact, if you and your teen are struggling in your relationship, chances are this is a sign that you have some old programming that is no longer serving you.
#1 Don’t Be Ashamed
You don’t need to be ashamed of your old parenting programming.
Feeling shame about yourself isn’t going to help you create the change that you are looking for.
So, rather than feeling ashamed, be grateful that your old programming has gotten you this far. Understand that you didn’t choose to be programmed this way. Others in your life, parents, siblings, families members, neighbors, community members, friends, teachers, everyone has unintentionally added to your programming.
It’s not a problem, it’s simply a part of being human.
Our mind is seeking to create programs and patterns to follow. It’s okay.
When you can get past the shame, it will be easier to work through this process.
#2 Awareness
I love awareness. It’s easy and it’s powerful.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t un-see that”?
Often that’s referring to a new awareness. It’s like those old illusion pictures of an ugly old woman or a beautiful young lady. In the beginning, you can only see the one that you can see, but once you’ve been shown the other image, you can’t unsee it. You always are aware that it’s there.
When I coach people on creating change, often awareness is the first step that I’ll walk them through.
For example, if you wanted to lose weight, we’d spend the first week or two simply gaining awareness. For example:
How much do you weigh?
What type of food are you eating?
How many calories are you eating?
What types of food do you like to eat?
Is there anything healthy that you could eat everyday?
How much sleep are you getting?
How much sleep do you need?
How active are you?
I would start observing and questioning everything when it comes to your old programming. For example, if you caught yourself yelling at your teen, you might say to your self, “That’s interesting. Why am I so upset? Why am I yelling? Where did I learn to yell? How do I feel when people yell at me? What are some alternatives to yelling?”
You see, the goal is to simply explore and understand.
This can be hard because most people to skip awareness and go straight to intention. It’s also hard to look at your life and see what’s really going on.
You’re not working on creating change here, just on gaining awareness.
It’s easier than creating change, and when you get to creating change, your efforts will be more informed.
#3 Acceptance
This is related to #1, Don’t Be Ashamed, but it takes it one step further.
You can’t go back in time and completely avoid your old programming. You can’t change your past, but you can accept your past as a necessary step that got you here.
Acceptance is HUGE. It will help you embrace your past experience, and even use it to help you let go and move forward.
When I was 13, I accidentally lit my school bus on fire with rubber cement. There’s no going back. I can’t undo that. In fact, I wouldn’t even if I could.
I’ve accepted that part of my past. I’ve embraced it, and I use it to help me move forward. It’s a part of who I am, and it helps me be who I want to be.
You’re not perfect. You’ve done things according to your old programming that you wish that you could take back. But, when you accept that that old programming was you doing your best, you can build on it and improve your current programming thanks to your old experience.
This is a powerful process that will help you accept who you are and start to grow from a place of love, compassion, and confidence rather than from shame, guilt, and disgust.
#4 Intention
With awareness under your belt, you’re ready for to practice intention.
This is hard and can take time. Be patient with yourself and accept where you are today as an important step to where you want to be tomorrow.
Part of intention is understanding and knowing where you want to go.
It’s important to understand your old programming and to know exactly what programming you want to replace it with.
For example, when I was young I was programmed to believe the following about money:
It’s hard to get.
There’s never enough.
You have to work hard to get it.
Once you get it, you need to save it.
Now that I’m aware of my old programming, I’m more intentional about how I choose to think about money. For example, I know intentionally practice the following thoughts about money:
Money comes to me easily.
I have more than enough.
I can simply do what I love to attract money into my life.
Having money helps me help others.
By being intentional about my programming, I can choose how I program my subconscious mind.
You might have old programming like:
If my teen gets poor grades, it means I’m failing as his mom.
If my teen doesn’t obey me, they don’t respect me.
My teen won’t be successful if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
You might want to change the programming to be more like:
What my teen chooses to do in school is up to them, not me.
It’s possible for my teen to disobey me and still respect me.
My teen will be successful even if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
#5 Practice Proving Your New Mentality
The last step is to practice proving the new programming. When you catch yourself in the old programming, find evidence disproving the old programming and proving the new programming.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
It’s sad, but most people never reach their New Year’s goals. In fact, less than 10% of people actually achieve their New Year’s goals by the end of the year.
If you’re like the many people who have the goal of improving their relationship with their teen, or maybe you just want to up level your parenting this year, I want to help you win at your parenting goals.
And, if you want to be one of the 10% of people who actually achieve their New Year’s goals, I want to give you some tips on how to make that happen.
If you want to learn more about goals and habits, checkout these podcasts after you’ve finished this one.
#1 Habits are The Missing Key to Achieving Your Goals
Okay, sometimes I say things that go against the main stream narrative, and this is no different.
While most people are focusing on their New Year’s goals, I’m over here preaching about the importance of HABITS.
If most people fail to reach their New Year’s goals, that’s a pretty good indicator that we’re missing something. Well, I believe that what we’re missing is habit.
So, when it comes to your New Year’s goals, I want to invite you to shift your focus from the big future goal, to the little daily habits that you’d need to accomplish your goal.
Some of questions to ask yourself to help you identify the habits you need to make your goals a reality are:
What habits will make achieving this goal easy?
If I already accomplished this goal, what are some of the habits that I’d be doing?
What am I willing to do regularly (maybe every day, or 5 days a week, or 4 times a month, whatever regularity is needed) to achieve this goal?
When you understand this, achieving your goal becomes much more doable. In fact, sometimes you can even forget about the goal and simply focus all of your energy on the habits.
#2 Make Your Habits Simple, Yet Powerful
Sometimes it’s easy to go crazy with habits. Like, I want to play basketball Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I want to life weights everyday, and I want to walk my dog, and I want to . . .
See how complicated we can make things?
If you make your habits simple, you’ll be more likely to do them. If you make them simple and powerful, you’ll be more likely to stick with them.
So, rather than the big long list of everything I want to do, I might make the simple habit of being active EVERY DAY. You could make a simple check list to make sure that you do at least one thing to be active each day. On days when you happen to do more than one, you could give yourself a simple reward.
One of my favorite and most simple and powerful habits is walking my dog. It’s simple because I don’t have to coordinate with other people. I just grab my dog and go. It’s powerful because it’s super rewarding. Walking my dog helps me feel good physically and emotionally. It’s fun. I enjoy hanging out with my dog. I get to do some of my best thinking while on our walk.
So, as you explore making habits to achieve your goals, make sure they’re simple and powerful.
#3 Find an Accountability Partner
I like this one because I don’t like doing anything alone. If you have an accountability partner, it’s going to be harder to give up when it gets rough. Plus, you’ll push yourself harder and your goals will be more top of mind.
There’s power in having an accountability partner that’s working towards the same or similar goals. So, maybe another mother or parent would be a great partner.
It’s also beneficial to have an accountability partner who’s already accomplished the goal your working for, so maybe a coach or a mentor.
But, there’s another kind of accountability partner that I think is underutilized, but super motivating, someone that your goal benefits beside yourself. For this, I often turn to my teens. If you have the goal of improving your relationship with your teen, and you’ve identified the habit of having 5 calm and interesting conversations with your teen each week, you might ask your teen to help you be accountable for that.
Maybe your habit is to do a thought download every night before bed, you could ask your teen to remind you and check in with you. Not only do teens make great accountability partners, they’re great at calling you our when you’re not doing something, right!?!, but it’s also an opportunity to model some powerful behaviors.
#4 Be Willing to Feel Uncomfortable
If you’re trying to create new habits, it’s going to get uncomfortable. That’s okay. Be willing to feel uncomfortable. Be willing to suck.
If you’re hoping a habit will help you accomplish a goal, it’s going to need to push you past your comfort zone.
This is exactly what you want.
When I start creating new habits, I often tell the people around me that, “I’m starting a new habit, and I might really suck at first, and I might even forget, but I’m going to struggle my way through this as long as it takes.”
That way I’m creating accountability, and committing to discomfort.
#5 Make it Fun and Rewarding
If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably have heard me say that things should be a PARTY With A PURPOSE!
This is no different.
I don’t know why so many adults want to make life so dang boring and dull.
If you want to make habits that you’ll stick with, make them fun. My favorite way to exercise is playing basketball. I like winning, so it’s fun when I’m winning, but it’s most fun when my friends show up and play.
Find ways to make your habits fun. It’s important. Not only will you stick with the habit longer, but you’ll also give it a better effort and energy if you’re having fun.
Also, when people have a hard time breaking old habits, one of the biggest reasons they struggle is because the old habit is benefiting them. Use this principle, that usually works against people trying to break old habits, in your favor.
Make your habit rewarding. If you’re getting a benefit from your habit in the form of a reward, it will be easier to stick with the habit.
Bottom Line
This is the year. Don’t put off your goals and dreams, especially when it comes to parenting, any longer.
Go all in on your dreams. You’ve got this, and want support, I’m here for you!
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by filling in the form below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with ME!!
Your mindset is one of the most important parts of your relationship with your teen.
If you want a better relationship with your teen, start building a better better mindset.
Could you imagine if your iPhone was running on the same programming as the first generation iPhone. It’d be so slow, outdated, and unfunctional.
If you want to make 2024 the best year with your teen, here are some powerful mindset shifts to help you do it.
Old Mindset #1 There’s something WRONG with teens these days!
Okay, we got this when we were teens.
Remember old people saying, “There’s something WRONG with teens these days!”? They’d follow that by calling us lazy, self absorbed, and other derogatory remarks.
I remember complaining about this to my dad, and he told me people complained about him and other teens way back when he was a teen.
It’s an old mindset. Older people complain about teens. We’ve probably been doing it since the dinosaurs. We’re programmed that way, but you can change your programming.
And, if you believe that there’s something wrong with your teen, it’s time to shift that mindset to something more powerful.
New Mindset #1 Teens are amazing, and they’re highly capable!
I’ve recently found out that this is actually one of the reasons I’m able to connect with teens so well. I was recently playing basketball with a bunch of teens and only 2 other adults. It was fun. After our several games, one of the teens told me that he like being on my team because I’m different from most adults. When I asked how I’m different, he said, “You actually like us and treat us like were capable human beings.”
I don’t know where I learned this, but it helped my as a foster dad, principal, teen life coach, and as a dad.
I promise you, your teen is amazing, and they are highly capable human beings.
If you adopt this updated mindset with your teen, I promise you it will make your parenting so much easier in 2024.
Recently we were faced with a mild problem in my home with one of my teens. My wife asked me, “What should we do?” I replied, “I don’t know, but let’s just let him figure it out. He’s capable.”
And guess what. He totally figured it out all on his own.
I was confident in letting him tackle his own problem for 2 powerful reasons. #1, I see him as being highly capable and I trust him, and #2 I’m on this empower the teens kick and I saw this as an opportunity for me to empower him to grow.
If you want to shock your friends, and seem about 100 years younger to your teens, when “old” people complain about “teens these days,” be the one to stand up for teens and talk about how amazing they are and all the awesome things they’re accomplishing.
Old Mindset #2 Parenting teens is hard and it sucks!
Okay, I hear this one all of the time, and it’s killing me!
Multiple times over Christmas break, I heard parents complaining about how hard it is raising teens and how much it sucks, as if it’s an unchangeable fact of life that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
In once instance, I mentioned that I LOVE raising teens because it’s so much fun, and people looked at me like I was crazy.
In an other instance, the parents were doing that comparison thing to see who’s got it worse. It’s like they wanted to one-up the other parent and have the harder parenting teen story.
This is old programming, and it’s going to make it hard to have a better 2024 if you continue to believe that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
New Mindset #2 Parenting teens is exciting and fun!
Here’s a new mindset to try. What if parenting teens is actually exciting and fun? It’s just that you didn’t know it yet. You’ve spent the parenting teen years proving the old belief that it’s hard and it sucks, but now you can start proving just how exciting and fun it is.
I truly love raising teens. It’s so much fun. My wife and I were foster parents for a couple of really young kids, like between 2-5, but they were developmentally much younger. It was during that time that we realized, parenting teens is way better than changing diapers.
One of my top values is having fun. I believe almost everything could and should be a party with a purpose.
If you’re not having fun parenting your teen, your teen’s probably not having fun being parented by you.
Just imagine, how your parenting would be different if you perceived it as being exciting and fun.
Old Mindset #3 My teen needs to change to improve our relationship.
This is one of the mindsets that I see the most often when parents come to me wanting me to work with their teens, which I really do love working with teens, but if you’re not willing to change as a parent, any change your teen creates will be short lived and likely not enough.
It’s part of our programming as humans to focus more on what we think others should do to change, than on what we could actually do to change.
I see this happening in families and in schools. The focus seems to be on fixing, changing, and even controlling the teen. Parents often thing that if they could simply change their teen that they’d have a better relationship with them. School seem to think that if they could just get their students (teens) to care more or be more responsible, or more controllable, then schools wouldn’t be failing.
The problem with this old mindset is that it positions you as the victim, at the mercy of this thing (your teen) outside of your control.
Lucky for you, there’s a much more powerful mindset that will be a game changer in 2024.
New Mindset #3 If I want an improved relationship with my teen, I can BE The Change!
If you want a better relationship with your teen, commit to BEING the Change you’ve been looking for.
This will actually shift you from a victim mindset to a hero and creator mindset.
Just imagine if you spent all of 2024 finding ways to BE the Change rather than trying to change your teen. What impact would that have on your life? What impact would that have on your teen’s life?
The truth is, if you want 2024 to be amazing, it’s up to you to make it so.
These old outdated mindsets will keep you stuck. But, if you can shift these mindsets, you’ll have the best year ever with your teen.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Tuesday, January 9th, @ 4:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
I recently had a call with a teenage young man and he wanted help breaking old, bad, habits.
I’m restructuring how I do my 1:1 coaching calls to be less scripted and more conversational, so we basically just had this super powerful conversation about habits.
I really loved the insight that he brought to the coaching call, so I’m going to share what I remember with you and invite you to come join a transformational conversation with me to help you change how you approach habits in your life.
I’m super excited for this conversation because during this time of year, most people over focus on goals, which they usually forget about and fail, and they under focus on habits, which is what they really need to accomplish their New Year’s Goals.
I’m going to invite YOU to join me in a transformational conversation about goals in the future. I’ll tell you more at the end of this podcast,
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard for You?
This is a powerful question to explore for yourself.
Seriously, I invite you to ask yourself, literally say this to yourself out loud, “What makes breaking habits hard for me?”
Let you’re mind explore that.
Gain some serious awareness around that.
When I asked this young man that question he told me 3 things.
How long I’ve been doing the habit.
Basically how many times the habit has been repeated.
Repetion is a powerful force when it comes to creating habits.
Your will power.
Basically your desire and determination.
Having too many steps needed to break the habit.
Basically making your new habit too complicated.
I loved those examples that he shared.
Here are the two that I added that we discussed:
Identifying as your habit.
Basically seeing yourself as your habit (for example, “I’m a yeller,” or “I’m a smoker,” or “I’m lazy.”)
The perceived benefit of the habit.
Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper tastes great. You get a dopamine hit.
Yelling at your kids used to get them to listen, respond, change.
As we talked about this he said it was helpful to understand why it can be hard to break habits.
What makes your habits hard to break could be different for you, so make sure to explore this for yourself.
Also, I don’t recommend focusing on breaking bad habits. Instead, I recommend building desired habits.
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard is The Secret To Creating Habits Easily
Now, I want to let you in on a little secret. Whatever it is that makes habits hard for you is the secret for making habits easy for you.
For example, if the amount of times that you’ve repeated a habit makes it harder to break, doing the new desired habit over and over, getting reps in, is the secret to creating a new habit to replace the old one.
You can go through your own list and find ways to apply the list of things making your habits hard to ways that you can make creating new habits easy.
Your Habits Create Your Results
One of the problems that I have with traditional coaching is that they are overly focused on individual actions.
I love the self-coaching model. It’s a powerful tool. But, it’s only focused on individual actions, not habits.
Your habits create your results.
If you want better results, you need better habits.
Learn how to intentionally create your desired habits, and you can learn how to intentionally create the life of your dreams.
Join Me for a Transformational Conversation
I’m going to be hosting two live Transformational Conversations, and I want YOU to join me.
If you have some New Year’s goals, and their mostly on repeat from last year, you need to better understand your habits and what it takes to create new habits.
Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.
Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and belief to a deeper level.
Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and lets create some new and powerful habits in your parenting in 2023.
These transformational conversations will be live over zoom, face to face, on Thursday, January 12th at 10 am MST and Tuesday, January 24th, at 10 am MST.
Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.
Yelling is great for communicating with someone who is far away, but when you yell at someone who is close to you it only triggers their flight or fight response.
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” ~ Robert Fulghum
If You Want to Stop Yelling At Your Teen, Stop Yelling at YOURSELF!
Okay, so this might be a stretch. You probably don’t “yell” at yourself out loud, but be honest, how do you speak to yourself on the inside?
How often do you “yell” at yourself in your head?
How often do you tell yourself that you’re “not good enough”, or that you “should have done better”?
The truth is, if you want to stop yelling at your teen, you have to stop yelling at YOU!
Start treating yourself with kindness, and it will be easier to treat your teen with kindness.
Why Do We Yell?
If you’re like most parents, you yell to be heard.
Maybe you yell out of anger, overwhelm, or fear.
If you’re like most parents, sometimes you yell because you believe, “that’s the only way my kids will listen.”
I want you to dig deeper.
Why do YOU yell?
My guess is that this is something that you saw your parents do. Maybe it’s a habitual response. Maybe it really does seem like it’s the only way your kids will listen.
The best way to start controlling the urge to yell is by understanding all the deeper reasons behind the why, with compassion!
No matter how much you have yelled in the past, remember that you have always done your best. Appreciate your constant effort as a parent to show up and do your best.
It’s hard being a parent.
What Does Yelling Do?
Yelling triggers the Fight/Flight/Freeze response.
This is why yelling is a good idea when trying to protect a child from a dangerous situation. You yell “STOP” and a child is likely to freeze before running into a busy street.
However, when it comes to teaching something to your child or teen or punishing them, or disagreeing with them, yelling is not the best option.
Like I said, yelling triggers the fight/flight/or freeze response.
It actually puts your teen in survival mode. When getting yelled at, rather than listening to what’s being said you start focusing on the speaker because you perceive them as a threat. You start looking for an escape or you start getting angry in preparation to fight for your survival.
Think back to the last time you got yelled at. How did you feel, scared, defensive, embarrassed?
Because you go into survival mode, your primitive brain takes over and your prefrontal cortex takes a back seat.
Your ability to learn at a high level is greatly diminished. Instead, your primitive brain creates an emotional response that quickly turns into a habit.
I’ve taught about how “calm is contagious” as Rorke Denver says, and how humans are herd animals. The other thing that yelling does is escalate the emotional tension. It spreads to the person being yelled at, and they are likely to yell back.
This is the fight response.
How to Stop Yelling
Explore the why behind your yelling (Remember, this also applies to your inner self-talk.)
When I explored this for me, I realized that a big reason why I yelled was that that was what I learned from my parents and other adults in my life.
I usually yell out of anger.
I yell because I want to control the situation.
I often yell because I want to control my teenager.
2. Have compassion for you and your teen.
It’s okay that you’ve yelled, and you’re probably going to yell again.
You want to be better, and that’s a powerful place to start!
You and your teen ARE DOING YOUR BEST!
3. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is easy.
It sounds weird, but try it!
When parenting is easy, intentionally practice how you want to speak to your teen when things are hard.
This will create a new way of BEing, which will create new habits.
Practice intentionally BEing the parent of your dreams, especially when it’s hard.
4. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is hard.
Obviously, this one is harder, but it’s powerful.
When parenting is hard, intentionally fall back into what you practiced when things were easy.
Practice getting anger and fear out of the driver’s seat.
Practice intentionally BEing the parent of your dreams, even though it’s hard.
5. Use Thought Downloads and the Model
Use the model to explore the thoughts and feelings that lead to yelling.
Use the model to explore the results that yelling creates in your life.
Use the model to practice intentional parenting.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we’re making it better than ever!
