If you’re like most parents, you probably struggle with outdated parenting programming.
In fact, if you and your teen are struggling in your relationship, chances are this is a sign that you have some old programming that is no longer serving you.
#1 Don’t Be Ashamed
You don’t need to be ashamed of your old parenting programming.
Feeling shame about yourself isn’t going to help you create the change that you are looking for.
So, rather than feeling ashamed, be grateful that your old programming has gotten you this far. Understand that you didn’t choose to be programmed this way. Others in your life, parents, siblings, families members, neighbors, community members, friends, teachers, everyone has unintentionally added to your programming.
It’s not a problem, it’s simply a part of being human.
Our mind is seeking to create programs and patterns to follow. It’s okay.
When you can get past the shame, it will be easier to work through this process.
#2 Awareness
I love awareness. It’s easy and it’s powerful.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t un-see that”?
Often that’s referring to a new awareness. It’s like those old illusion pictures of an ugly old woman or a beautiful young lady. In the beginning, you can only see the one that you can see, but once you’ve been shown the other image, you can’t unsee it. You always are aware that it’s there.
When I coach people on creating change, often awareness is the first step that I’ll walk them through.
For example, if you wanted to lose weight, we’d spend the first week or two simply gaining awareness. For example:
How much do you weigh?
What type of food are you eating?
How many calories are you eating?
What types of food do you like to eat?
Is there anything healthy that you could eat everyday?
How much sleep are you getting?
How much sleep do you need?
How active are you?
I would start observing and questioning everything when it comes to your old programming. For example, if you caught yourself yelling at your teen, you might say to your self, “That’s interesting. Why am I so upset? Why am I yelling? Where did I learn to yell? How do I feel when people yell at me? What are some alternatives to yelling?”
You see, the goal is to simply explore and understand.
This can be hard because most people to skip awareness and go straight to intention. It’s also hard to look at your life and see what’s really going on.
You’re not working on creating change here, just on gaining awareness.
It’s easier than creating change, and when you get to creating change, your efforts will be more informed.
#3 Acceptance
This is related to #1, Don’t Be Ashamed, but it takes it one step further.
You can’t go back in time and completely avoid your old programming. You can’t change your past, but you can accept your past as a necessary step that got you here.
Acceptance is HUGE. It will help you embrace your past experience, and even use it to help you let go and move forward.
When I was 13, I accidentally lit my school bus on fire with rubber cement. There’s no going back. I can’t undo that. In fact, I wouldn’t even if I could.
I’ve accepted that part of my past. I’ve embraced it, and I use it to help me move forward. It’s a part of who I am, and it helps me be who I want to be.
You’re not perfect. You’ve done things according to your old programming that you wish that you could take back. But, when you accept that that old programming was you doing your best, you can build on it and improve your current programming thanks to your old experience.
This is a powerful process that will help you accept who you are and start to grow from a place of love, compassion, and confidence rather than from shame, guilt, and disgust.
#4 Intention
With awareness under your belt, you’re ready for to practice intention.
This is hard and can take time. Be patient with yourself and accept where you are today as an important step to where you want to be tomorrow.
Part of intention is understanding and knowing where you want to go.
It’s important to understand your old programming and to know exactly what programming you want to replace it with.
For example, when I was young I was programmed to believe the following about money:
It’s hard to get.
There’s never enough.
You have to work hard to get it.
Once you get it, you need to save it.
Now that I’m aware of my old programming, I’m more intentional about how I choose to think about money. For example, I know intentionally practice the following thoughts about money:
Money comes to me easily.
I have more than enough.
I can simply do what I love to attract money into my life.
Having money helps me help others.
By being intentional about my programming, I can choose how I program my subconscious mind.
You might have old programming like:
If my teen gets poor grades, it means I’m failing as his mom.
If my teen doesn’t obey me, they don’t respect me.
My teen won’t be successful if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
You might want to change the programming to be more like:
What my teen chooses to do in school is up to them, not me.
It’s possible for my teen to disobey me and still respect me.
My teen will be successful even if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
#5 Practice Proving Your New Mentality
The last step is to practice proving the new programming. When you catch yourself in the old programming, find evidence disproving the old programming and proving the new programming.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
It’s sad, but most people never reach their New Year’s goals. In fact, less than 10% of people actually achieve their New Year’s goals by the end of the year.
If you’re like the many people who have the goal of improving their relationship with their teen, or maybe you just want to up level your parenting this year, I want to help you win at your parenting goals.
And, if you want to be one of the 10% of people who actually achieve their New Year’s goals, I want to give you some tips on how to make that happen.
If you want to learn more about goals and habits, checkout these podcasts after you’ve finished this one.
#1 Habits are The Missing Key to Achieving Your Goals
Okay, sometimes I say things that go against the main stream narrative, and this is no different.
While most people are focusing on their New Year’s goals, I’m over here preaching about the importance of HABITS.
If most people fail to reach their New Year’s goals, that’s a pretty good indicator that we’re missing something. Well, I believe that what we’re missing is habit.
So, when it comes to your New Year’s goals, I want to invite you to shift your focus from the big future goal, to the little daily habits that you’d need to accomplish your goal.
Some of questions to ask yourself to help you identify the habits you need to make your goals a reality are:
What habits will make achieving this goal easy?
If I already accomplished this goal, what are some of the habits that I’d be doing?
What am I willing to do regularly (maybe every day, or 5 days a week, or 4 times a month, whatever regularity is needed) to achieve this goal?
When you understand this, achieving your goal becomes much more doable. In fact, sometimes you can even forget about the goal and simply focus all of your energy on the habits.
#2 Make Your Habits Simple, Yet Powerful
Sometimes it’s easy to go crazy with habits. Like, I want to play basketball Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I want to life weights everyday, and I want to walk my dog, and I want to . . .
See how complicated we can make things?
If you make your habits simple, you’ll be more likely to do them. If you make them simple and powerful, you’ll be more likely to stick with them.
So, rather than the big long list of everything I want to do, I might make the simple habit of being active EVERY DAY. You could make a simple check list to make sure that you do at least one thing to be active each day. On days when you happen to do more than one, you could give yourself a simple reward.
One of my favorite and most simple and powerful habits is walking my dog. It’s simple because I don’t have to coordinate with other people. I just grab my dog and go. It’s powerful because it’s super rewarding. Walking my dog helps me feel good physically and emotionally. It’s fun. I enjoy hanging out with my dog. I get to do some of my best thinking while on our walk.
So, as you explore making habits to achieve your goals, make sure they’re simple and powerful.
#3 Find an Accountability Partner
I like this one because I don’t like doing anything alone. If you have an accountability partner, it’s going to be harder to give up when it gets rough. Plus, you’ll push yourself harder and your goals will be more top of mind.
There’s power in having an accountability partner that’s working towards the same or similar goals. So, maybe another mother or parent would be a great partner.
It’s also beneficial to have an accountability partner who’s already accomplished the goal your working for, so maybe a coach or a mentor.
But, there’s another kind of accountability partner that I think is underutilized, but super motivating, someone that your goal benefits beside yourself. For this, I often turn to my teens. If you have the goal of improving your relationship with your teen, and you’ve identified the habit of having 5 calm and interesting conversations with your teen each week, you might ask your teen to help you be accountable for that.
Maybe your habit is to do a thought download every night before bed, you could ask your teen to remind you and check in with you. Not only do teens make great accountability partners, they’re great at calling you our when you’re not doing something, right!?!, but it’s also an opportunity to model some powerful behaviors.
#4 Be Willing to Feel Uncomfortable
If you’re trying to create new habits, it’s going to get uncomfortable. That’s okay. Be willing to feel uncomfortable. Be willing to suck.
If you’re hoping a habit will help you accomplish a goal, it’s going to need to push you past your comfort zone.
This is exactly what you want.
When I start creating new habits, I often tell the people around me that, “I’m starting a new habit, and I might really suck at first, and I might even forget, but I’m going to struggle my way through this as long as it takes.”
That way I’m creating accountability, and committing to discomfort.
#5 Make it Fun and Rewarding
If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably have heard me say that things should be a PARTY With A PURPOSE!
This is no different.
I don’t know why so many adults want to make life so dang boring and dull.
If you want to make habits that you’ll stick with, make them fun. My favorite way to exercise is playing basketball. I like winning, so it’s fun when I’m winning, but it’s most fun when my friends show up and play.
Find ways to make your habits fun. It’s important. Not only will you stick with the habit longer, but you’ll also give it a better effort and energy if you’re having fun.
Also, when people have a hard time breaking old habits, one of the biggest reasons they struggle is because the old habit is benefiting them. Use this principle, that usually works against people trying to break old habits, in your favor.
Make your habit rewarding. If you’re getting a benefit from your habit in the form of a reward, it will be easier to stick with the habit.
Bottom Line
This is the year. Don’t put off your goals and dreams, especially when it comes to parenting, any longer.
Go all in on your dreams. You’ve got this, and want support, I’m here for you!
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by filling in the form below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with ME!!
Your mindset is one of the most important parts of your relationship with your teen.
If you want a better relationship with your teen, start building a better better mindset.
Could you imagine if your iPhone was running on the same programming as the first generation iPhone. It’d be so slow, outdated, and unfunctional.
If you want to make 2024 the best year with your teen, here are some powerful mindset shifts to help you do it.
Old Mindset #1 There’s something WRONG with teens these days!
Okay, we got this when we were teens.
Remember old people saying, “There’s something WRONG with teens these days!”? They’d follow that by calling us lazy, self absorbed, and other derogatory remarks.
I remember complaining about this to my dad, and he told me people complained about him and other teens way back when he was a teen.
It’s an old mindset. Older people complain about teens. We’ve probably been doing it since the dinosaurs. We’re programmed that way, but you can change your programming.
And, if you believe that there’s something wrong with your teen, it’s time to shift that mindset to something more powerful.
New Mindset #1 Teens are amazing, and they’re highly capable!
I’ve recently found out that this is actually one of the reasons I’m able to connect with teens so well. I was recently playing basketball with a bunch of teens and only 2 other adults. It was fun. After our several games, one of the teens told me that he like being on my team because I’m different from most adults. When I asked how I’m different, he said, “You actually like us and treat us like were capable human beings.”
I don’t know where I learned this, but it helped my as a foster dad, principal, teen life coach, and as a dad.
I promise you, your teen is amazing, and they are highly capable human beings.
If you adopt this updated mindset with your teen, I promise you it will make your parenting so much easier in 2024.
Recently we were faced with a mild problem in my home with one of my teens. My wife asked me, “What should we do?” I replied, “I don’t know, but let’s just let him figure it out. He’s capable.”
And guess what. He totally figured it out all on his own.
I was confident in letting him tackle his own problem for 2 powerful reasons. #1, I see him as being highly capable and I trust him, and #2 I’m on this empower the teens kick and I saw this as an opportunity for me to empower him to grow.
If you want to shock your friends, and seem about 100 years younger to your teens, when “old” people complain about “teens these days,” be the one to stand up for teens and talk about how amazing they are and all the awesome things they’re accomplishing.
Old Mindset #2 Parenting teens is hard and it sucks!
Okay, I hear this one all of the time, and it’s killing me!
Multiple times over Christmas break, I heard parents complaining about how hard it is raising teens and how much it sucks, as if it’s an unchangeable fact of life that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
In once instance, I mentioned that I LOVE raising teens because it’s so much fun, and people looked at me like I was crazy.
In an other instance, the parents were doing that comparison thing to see who’s got it worse. It’s like they wanted to one-up the other parent and have the harder parenting teen story.
This is old programming, and it’s going to make it hard to have a better 2024 if you continue to believe that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
New Mindset #2 Parenting teens is exciting and fun!
Here’s a new mindset to try. What if parenting teens is actually exciting and fun? It’s just that you didn’t know it yet. You’ve spent the parenting teen years proving the old belief that it’s hard and it sucks, but now you can start proving just how exciting and fun it is.
I truly love raising teens. It’s so much fun. My wife and I were foster parents for a couple of really young kids, like between 2-5, but they were developmentally much younger. It was during that time that we realized, parenting teens is way better than changing diapers.
One of my top values is having fun. I believe almost everything could and should be a party with a purpose.
If you’re not having fun parenting your teen, your teen’s probably not having fun being parented by you.
Just imagine, how your parenting would be different if you perceived it as being exciting and fun.
Old Mindset #3 My teen needs to change to improve our relationship.
This is one of the mindsets that I see the most often when parents come to me wanting me to work with their teens, which I really do love working with teens, but if you’re not willing to change as a parent, any change your teen creates will be short lived and likely not enough.
It’s part of our programming as humans to focus more on what we think others should do to change, than on what we could actually do to change.
I see this happening in families and in schools. The focus seems to be on fixing, changing, and even controlling the teen. Parents often thing that if they could simply change their teen that they’d have a better relationship with them. School seem to think that if they could just get their students (teens) to care more or be more responsible, or more controllable, then schools wouldn’t be failing.
The problem with this old mindset is that it positions you as the victim, at the mercy of this thing (your teen) outside of your control.
Lucky for you, there’s a much more powerful mindset that will be a game changer in 2024.
New Mindset #3 If I want an improved relationship with my teen, I can BE The Change!
If you want a better relationship with your teen, commit to BEING the Change you’ve been looking for.
This will actually shift you from a victim mindset to a hero and creator mindset.
Just imagine if you spent all of 2024 finding ways to BE the Change rather than trying to change your teen. What impact would that have on your life? What impact would that have on your teen’s life?
The truth is, if you want 2024 to be amazing, it’s up to you to make it so.
These old outdated mindsets will keep you stuck. But, if you can shift these mindsets, you’ll have the best year ever with your teen.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Tuesday, January 9th, @ 4:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
I recently asked everyone on my email list, “What are you struggling with when it comes to parenting your teen?”
I was inspired by the answers that I received.
Some of the responses were very short, and some were very long, but every struggle in one way was dealing with 2 things, a lack of connection and unmet expectations.
As I thought about this I started to realize just how huge this was. I realized that nearly everything I coach on is connected to a lack of connection and unmet expectations.
So, we’re going to tackle this here.
Connection Comes First
If you’ve been listening to me for any amount of time, you know how important I think connection is when it comes to parenting teen.
If this is your first podcast episode, welcome and thanks for checking me out, but you need to know that one of the most important things, if not the most important thing, you will do as a parent is to connect with your teen.
If you don’t connect with your teen, you will struggle raising them. You’ll struggle getting them to respect you or obey you, and your impact won’t be what you want.
So, let’s just highlight the importance of connection. It’s everything to your teen.
And, incase you didn’t know this, one of the most powerful secrets that I teach is that Your Teen Wants YOU To Connect with Them!
So, as we talk about connection, think about this from the belief or assumption that your teen does indeed want you to connect with them, and I’m going to show you how.
#1 Let Go of Expectations and Attachments
This might be one of the most controversial things that I teach.
I can’t tell you how many times parents have told me, “No, expectations are good. Teens need expectations.”
I get it, and yes expectations are fine. We all have them but, too many parents are attached to expectations for their teen, that aren’t realistic, aren’t in their power, and sometimes aren’t even inline with what the teen want’s for themselves.
This is dangerous, because if you are attached to your unmet expectations, you’re going to struggle connecting with your teen.
I recently coached a mom who had expectations that her son would graduate high school, and get good grades, and participate with the family, but her teen flat out refused to get good grades, do well in school, and he even refused to participate in certain family things. And, as long as this mom was attached to those expectations, she couldn’t connect with her son.
But, when she let go of her attachments to her expectations, she finally started connecting to her son.
I recently read a report that most people actually dislike their profession and that one of the strongest factors in them choosing was that it was expected from their parents.
This is not healthy.
As parents, it’s our job to let go of our expectations and let our teens live life according to their values, not ours.
Now, I can here what you’re thinking, “Yeah, but, what about getting certain grades, or waiting until marriage to have sex, or if they borrow my car to fill it up when their done . . . “
I hear you, and I get it. I have expectations for my teens too, but I try not to be attached to those expectations.
Let’s look at the car example.
If my teen borrows my car, I expect him to take care of it. I can have that expectation, but maybe my teen doesn’t take care of it. I can’t control this expectation. So, I shift my attention to what I can control, and I set a boundary for ME, not my teen. “If you don’t take care of my car, I’m not going to let you use it.”
I’m not attached to my desired outcome or the expectation. I’m committed to being the dad that I want to be and upholding my boundaries.
By letting go of your attachments, you’re able to connect with your teen where they are, as they are.
Even if your teen is failing classes, dropping out of school, or even having pre-marital sex, they need and want connection with you.
#2 Be Grateful for Your Teen As Is
This goes hand in hand with letting go of attachments, but it takes it one step further.
Once you’ve let go of your attachments, you can start connecting with your teen where they are, as they are. Now, be grateful for them.
Find things that you can appreciate about them.
Are they kind? Are they funny? Are they resourceful? Are they creative? Are they reliable?
Find things to appreciate about your teen and FULLY APPRECIATE YOUR TEEN!
I’m serious. This will completely change your connection to your teen. When you start being grateful for your teen, who they are, and what they bring to life, you will deepen your connection to them. You will deepen your love, respect, and admiration for them and this is HUGE.
One of the things we like to do in my home is compliment time.
I invite you to start a regular practice of EXPERIENCING gratitude for your teen and EXPRESSING gratitude TO your teen.
#3 Empower Your Teen
One of the biggest mistakes that you can make as a parent, when your teen’s not living up to your expectations is to disempower them.
As parent, there are lots of ways to disempower your teen when they don’t meet your expectations.
One of the biggest ways is to take away their power to choose, think for themselves, or experience autonomy.
When your teen doesn’t meet your expectations, you might be tempted to ground them, take away their power to choose or act for themselves, or to start controlling them and making them meet your expectations.
Don’t! I promise you, this will disempower your teen, and this will take away from your connection with your teen.
So, what can you do instead?
EMPOWER YOUR TEEN.
When your teen doesn’t meet your expectations, find ways to empower them.
Here’s an example, “Hey, I notice that you have no interest in getting your grades up or even graduating high school. What are you interested in? What do you enjoy doing? What are you good at?”
If your teen is having premarital sex, find ways to empower them. You might have a conversation about the possible consequences of sex. You might talk about ways to be safe. You might even help them provide protection for themselves. You can still set boundaries and, definitely control what you can control, but if you lock them in their room for the rest of their life, that’s only taking away their power.
Bottom line is, often our expectations as parents are meant to protect our teens and help them avoid pitfalls, obstacles, and struggles. Instead of overly protecting them and parenting from fear, trust your teen’s resilience and their power to not only deal with the consequences of their choices, but trust that they are learning exactly what they need.
BONUS Connect On Your Teen’s Values
This is something that I usually only teach in the membership, but it’s super important so I’m going to tell it to you here too.
Connect over your teen’s values rather than discounting over your conflicting values.
Everyone has values in common with everyone. We also all have values in conflict with everyone’s values. That’s part of being a human being.
BUT, if you want to improve your relationship with your teen, connect with your teen on things that they value.
If you want more connection with your teen, stop trying to force your values on your teen.
I promise you, this principle alone, all by its self has the power to completely change your relationship with your teen.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
One of the things that both parents and teens struggle with is accepting when things aren’t perfect and when things don’t turn out how they wanted them to.
Imperfection Is Part of Being Human
One of the things that I see all the time with both my teen clients and my parent clients is frustration about not being “better.”
If you’re like many of my clients, you have been frustrated with yourself for not being “better.”
Maybe you yelled at your teen, and you wish you could go back in time and unsay some of the things you said.
Maybe you didn’t handle a situation with your spouse exactly how you wanted to, or maybe you made a mistake and you’re having to live with the consequences.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!
No one is perfect. That is part of being human.
Being imperfect is part of being a parent.
So now what?
Your Best IS Good Enough!
I want to help you trust that your best IS good enough.
In fact, it’s better than good enough. It’s all that’s possible, ever.
And, it’s PERFECT!
That’s right, your imperfect parenting is PERFECT for what you and your child need.
So, carry on! Keep doing your best!
Own it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and continue on!
I’m Not Perfect, So Now What?
Okay, so we’ve established that being human means that you’re not going to be perfect.
So, now what?
Below, I’m going to share 3 simple things to do when you find yourself being less than “perfect.”
#1 Acceptance, Gratitude, and Love
My childhood wasn’t “perfect”, but it was EXACTLY what I needed.
I’ve made TONS of mistakes in my life, but it turns out those mistakes were EXACTLY what I needed to become me.
In fact, without the exact childhood that I had or all of my mistakes, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
If you’re like me, you wouldn’t be who you are today without the exact childhood that you had.
If you’re like me, without all of your mistakes you wouldn’t be who you are today.
Also if you’re like me, there’s no going back and changing or “fixing” your childhood or undoing your mistakes.
So, you might as well accept it and be grateful for how it’s helped you become the parent you are today.
The problem is, it can be hard to accept our imperfections and mistakes.
It can be even harder to be grateful for our imperfections and mistakes.
But I want to invite you to connect with yourself Right Where You Are! Imperfections and all.
As you develop the skill of accepting yourself as you are, it will be easier to show yourself some gratitude. With gratitude for yourself, it will be easier to show yourself love and kindness.
You have always done your best. You are still doing your best!
And, that’s perfect!
#2 Improve Your Best
One of the things that I’ve noticed as a football coach is that your best at the beginning of the season looks a lot different than your best at the end of the season.
After one season of football, I’ve seen kids grow physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I’ve seen kids grow in their skills and abilities.
You can do the same thing!
Your best today won’t look like your best in a year from now, especially after listening to the podcast, joining the membership, and practicing all of these amazing skills.
Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t compare yourself with this mythical “perfect” version of you.
Just give your best today and continue the work of improving your best.
#3 Enjoy the Process!
This one is very important, and it’s one that lots of parents forget.
Enjoy the process.
There’s nothing wrong with starting right where you are right now. It’s okay that it might take you some time.
Embrace the process and find ways to enjoy it.
In my experience as a football coach, the best football players are the ones who enjoy the process of working to be their best.
On the other hand, the players who constantly compare themselves with others, think they should be further along in the process, or hate being called out by the coach and admitting that there’s room to improve, seldom reach their potential.
When you can enjoy this process, growth is simply part of the journey.
The imperfections and mistakes also become simply part of the journey.
Call to ACTION!
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