Would you be willing to trade 5 minutes of your time and attention, every day, in exchange for a better relationship with your teen?
I want to teach you how to improve your relationship with your teen by simply taking 5 minutes to reflect on the things that you like most about your teen.
Get bonus points if you write down three things about your teen that you are grateful for.
These can be small, specific things or broader characteristics. The key is to focus on the positive aspects of your teen and your relationship with them.
How to Do It:
Find a quiet moment during your day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
Bonus points if you can do this 3 times a day (morning, afternoon, AND evening).
Take a deep breath and clear your mind.
Practice shifting your attention from things you don’t like to things you DO like.
Write down three things you appreciate about your teen. This could be their sense of humor, a kind act they did, or even their resilience in facing challenges.
Reflect on these points and feel the gratitude genuinely.
Why This Habit is Impactful:
Shifts Your Focus to Positivity: This habit helps shift your focus from the negative behaviors or challenges that you’re experiencing with your teen to the positive aspects of your teen, which will change the overall tone of your interactions and reduce conflict.
Improves Your Parenting Mindset: Practicing gratitude has been shown to increase overall happiness and reduce stress. By starting or ending the day with a positive reflection, you will feel more positive and empowered.
Improve Your Parent/Teen Relationship: When you consistently acknowledge and appreciate your teen’s positive qualities, it will lead to better feelings and better communication. Teens pick up changes like this, which will reduce their defensiveness and improve their behavior.
Promotes Self-Reflection: This habit encourages you to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts, fostering a deeper understanding of your relationship with your teen and your own emotional responses.
Most Parents Miss This
Most parents miss this because they focus on problem-solving or they focus on controlling their teen’s behavior, hoping it will improve their relationship with their teen.
If you’re like most parents, this focus is keeping you stuck.
Fortunately, shifting to a simple, positive reflection practice of gratitude, though it might seem overly simple and counterintuitive, is extremely effective.
Gratitude changes your narrative from “What’s going wrong?” to “What’s going right?”, which will be a powerful catalyst for change in your relationship with your teen.
By adopting this daily gratitude reflection habit, you will develop a more positive outlook, build a stronger emotional connection with your teen, and greatly improve your parenting in just a few minutes each day.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
You are energy. You’re body is made up of energy. The phone and headphones, and even your favorite podcast app are all made of energy.
Your teen is energy.
EVERYTHING is energy.
Your emotions are nothing more than vibrations within your body.
As you feel your emotions, you actually transmit your emotions outward. This is why emotions are contagious. This is why others can feel, or at least understand or acknowledge what you’re feeling.
How to Understand Your Energy?
If you want to understand your energy, you need to understand your emotions.
To understand your emotions, you need to develop emotional intelligence, the ability to identify what your feeling and why your feeling it.
In my FREE audio course, Parenting from the Inside Out, I actually teach a simple process for how to develop your own emotional intelligence.
Basically, you need to be able to understand what your feeling, how it feels, where you feel it, and you need to be able to connect the dots between what your feeling, the emotion, and why your feeling it, the thoughts. As you do this, you’ll better understand what you’re feeling, why your feeling it, what it’s telling you about you, and what’s possible for you when it comes to your own energy.
The Law of Attraction
There’s a lot of people talking about the law of attraction and treating it like it’s something that you can turn on and off, or like it’s something that you do.
Instead, the law of attraction is ALWAYS ON! It’s not so much what you’re doing, but more who you are BEING on an energetic/emotional level.
The emotions you put out, the energy you put out, determines what you attract.
If you’re always stressed and anxious, you’ll attract more things to be stressed and anxious about.
I teach you this because, if you’re always stressed out, it’s going to impact your parenting. It’s going to impact your teen. And, if you’re like me and the moms that I work with, you probably want to feel less stressed.
How to Manage Your Energy
Understand that your emotions are tied to your mind.
That’s HUGE. I didn’t say that your emotions are tied to your brain. Having a brain is not what gives you power over your emotions. Your mind, your ability to direct your attention and your consciousness, is what gives you power over your emotions.
If you want to manage your emotions, you’ve got to manage your mind.
You are the thinker of your thoughts. You get to choose what thoughts you will dwell on and which thoughts you will intentionally move your attention away from.
This is how you manage your energy.
Understand what thoughts make you feel undesirable emotions and what thoughts make you feel desirable emotions, and intentionally direct your attention.
Gratitude is a Super-Emotion
If you want to instantly raise your vibration, practice gratitude. Gratitude is a super power that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to grateful, peaceful, and happy.
If you’re having a hard time managing your emotions, practice gratitude.
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One of the things I’ve noticed recently is that there are a lot of unhappy parents and teens out their.
This is something that I’ve been coaching on regularly for the past several months.
And, to be honest, this is something that I’ve been struggling with in my own life recently.
Then recently I heard my coach say, . . .
“Unhappiness comes from the gap between where your current life is (story) and where you think it should be (story). That gap in between is the ‘unhappiness gap’.”
~ Jim Fortin
As I thought about my own recent unhappiness, I explored, “What are my stories that are making my unhappy?”
I realized that I had a lot of stories about all the things that I thought should be different in my life.
I had stories about my business, my business partners, my clients, my wife, my kids, my weight, and on and on.
And, these stories were making my unhappy.
Let’s use the example of my weight. When I think, “Man, I should weigh 195 lbs. instead of 240-ish lbs.” This makes me unhappy.
And, it’s completely untrue. Maybe it’s true that I weigh 240-ish lbs., but that doesn’t mean that I should weigh 195.
Thoughts that make me unhappy in my business or with my partners are thinks like, “My business should be further along,” or “I should have this figured out by now,” or “My partner should do this instead of what they are doing.”
The truth is, those are all stories.
When I create a gap between reality and what I think reality “SHOULD” be, I experience feelings like disappointment, frustration, discouragement, shame, guilt, doubt, worry, and just unhappiness in general.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to be unhappy.
What I am saying is that you get to choose whether or not you will be unhappy by the stories you tell.
There are things that make me unhappy, like the death of innocent people, especially children, but it’s because of the story that I tell myself, that innocent people and especially children, should not die.
When this happens, I choose to be unhappy by choosing to believe my story.
Everything Is a Story
The truth is, EVERYTHING is a story.
There’s a beautiful tree in my front yard. In the fall it turns dark read and it is beautiful. It’s a special tree because I almost killed it twice, but I nursed it back to health both times. The first time my wife and I were out of town for a couple weeks straight in the middle of summer and it didn’t get watered, and when we can home it was all wilty. The second time I was trying to straighten it, because it’s always windy in my town and the tree leans to the east, and I was pulling on one of the thick limbs right above where it forked, and I totally broke the tree in half, just like breaking a turkey’s wish bone. Anyway, I glued it and put a few screws into the tree to hold it together, and after a while it totally recovered.
Everything I told you is a story.
Sure, everything I told you is true, but it’s also a story. My neighbors might think (their story) that my tree is ugly, and that it should have died when it had the change.
When you realize that everything is a story, you can start to develop some awareness behind the stories that you allow to be told in your mind.
Once you become aware of what stories you’re telling yourself and others, you will have the power to be intentional about the stories that you tell.
What Are the Stories of Your Herd?
As I’ve been coaching both parents and teens on being unhappy, I’ve noticed a few patterns.
First, they’re not really aware of the stories that they’re telling themselves.
And second, they’re not really aware of the stories that they’re picking up and believing from their herd.
Let me give you an example.
While President Trump was president, I had a friend who constantly believed that he was actively trying to destroy the country. He was almost constantly unhappy, and he blamed Donald Trump.
A few months after President Biden became our president, I was coaching a teen who was really worried because his dad had told him that by the time Biden was done being president, we’d have zero freedoms left and probably be slaves to China.
These are two examples of listening to the stories of others, people in your herd, and adopting those stories as your own, and then letting those stories impact your happiness.
Many of the teens that I’ve coached on being unhappy were believing the stories of others in their herd, like a coach telling them they should have won, or friends telling them they look dumb and should wear cooler clothes.
Many of the parents that I’ve coached on this are unhappy because their teen’s teacher is telling them that their teen should be a straight A student, or because their neighbors think they should have “tighter reigns” on their kids.
The truth is, just because your herd believes certain stories, does not mean you should believe those same stories.
Be The Hero Of Your Stories
Another thing that causes unhappiness, and one that I am a master at, is positioning yourself as the victim in your story.
I do this all the time.
I blame the guy who cut me off, or my wife or business partner for a disagreement.
The problem is, anytime you blame someone else, you position yourself as the victim in your story.
Sometimes we secretly want to be the victim. It’s easier to blame someone else than it is to take accountability, but the truth is, being the victim of your stories will make you unhappy.
If you or your teen are unhappy, check your stories. Are you blaming someone or something outside of your control?
If the answer is “Yes,” that’s awesome news because YOU have the power to be the hero of your stories.
Start Developing New Stories
There’s a trend in life coaching to really focus on what you are thinking.
This isn’t bad, and I love thought awareness, but I think there’s also power in focusing on HOW you are thinking.
Blaming is a way of thinking.
Catastrophizing is a way of thinking.
On the other hand, being accountable or taking responsibility are ways of thinking.
Instead of catastrophizing, you could proactively think optimistically.
Instead of seeing everything as a threat or an obstacle, you can see things as opportunities.
Rather than believing that the world is working against you, you can see that it is working for you.
As you change how you think, you will start practicing new stories.
You can do this both on the individual level of WHAT you are thinking and on the bigger picture of HOW you are thinking.
Want to Be Happier? Tell Better Stories.
I recently heard someone talking about the ability to make sense of things that have happed or are happening to you and how important this is to being mentally and emotionally healthy.
There was a time when my business was new, we weren’t making much money, and we had to get help from our church to provide food for my family.
I remember thinking things like:
I’m a failure.
My business isn’t working.
I should quit.
This isn’t working.
It’s the market’s fault.
As I did some self coaching, I started replacing my old stories with more helpful stories like:
This is an opportunity for me to grow from desperation.
This will be a good story to help inspire future clients.
If I can get through this, I can get through anything.
Making sense of your past or current trials and struggles is kind of like connecting the dots between where you were and are and where you want to be.
Making sense of your life is simply choosing the stories that you will tell and the interpretations you will make.
Merry Christmas!
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I wanted to take a minute and express my gratitude for you!
I’m grateful for you and your efforts as a parent.
I’m grateful for your time, for your attention, and for your desire to grow.
Thank you for your support!
The Power Of Gratitude
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of coaching on emotions.
I don’t necessarily consider myself to be an emotions expert, but I wanted to share with you what I’ve learned in my own life and what I’ve learned from my clients.
Lately I’ve been on this kick of increasing my emotional awareness.
I’ve notice in my life that there are times that I hyper-focus on thoughts and beliefs that bring emotions that I don’t want to experience, and that with that focus, those emotions become the underlying emotion from day to day.
Lately, as I’ve been asking my clients to increase their emotional awareness, I’ve taken the invitation to do the same.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
Gratitude as a Feeling
Gratitude is a feeling, an emotion.
It is created by our thoughts.
It is created when we choose to appreciate our circumstances.
Gratitude is when you intentionally choose to be grateful and appreciative for your circumstances.
Gratitude is a powerful driving emotion.
We know from the model that our feelings drive our actions.
When I’m grateful I take actions like serving others, appreciating others, treating others (and myself) with kindness and patience.
Gratitude drives actions that create results that I love in my life.
Gratitude as a Way of BEing
Gratitude can be more than a simple feeling.
Gratitude can be a way of BEing. It’s a choice.
I love BEing grateful. It is one of my favorite ways to BE as a dad.
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably caught yourself being ungrateful.
If you’re like most people, when you’re ungrateful, you probably parent with less kindness and compassion.
It’s okay to catch yourself being ungrateful. It’s part of being human and being a parent.
BUT, you also have the power to BE grateful!
AND, I promise . . .
Gratitude WILL change EVERYTHING!
How to Develop the Superpower, GRATITUDE!
Set your Intention Early and Every day!
This has been powerful in my life!
When I get up, I set my intention for the day.
I guide my mind as to where I want it to go to work.
This takes practice, but it’s totally worth it.
2. Practice BEing Grateful Daily.
This one goes right along with #1, once you’ve set you intention, simply practice!
Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
Just commit to practicing BEing grateful every day.
It will become more and more natural.
3. See The Power of Gratitude In Your Life.
As you set your intention and practice gratitude, see the power in your life.
See how BEing grateful impacts your life.
Look for new and more things to be grateful for.
Find new ways to be grateful.
4. Keep a Gratitude Journal.
Seriously, there are some many things to be grateful for, and when you start to look for them, you’ll be overwhelmed with all the gifts in your life.
Keep a gratitude journal so you can remember and fully appreciate your life.
This journal will help you look back and see your own growth.
It’s fun to look back on things you were grateful for.
5. Share Your Gratitude with Others.
You can’t make others feel gratitude, but you can lead by example.
Help other people feel loved and appreciated by sharing your gratitude for them with them.
This may help others see things that they are grateful for.
The Gift Of Growth
I want to give you the gift of growth.
I want to give you a FREE podcast-mini-series to help you grow as a parent.
This mini-series will only be available for a limited time.
This is a gift that will impact not only you, but your whole entire family as well.
Check out my FREE new podcast-mini-series Parenting From the Inside Out and learn how you can give your family the gift of your own personal growth.
One of the things that both parents and teens struggle with is accepting when things aren’t perfect and when things don’t turn out how they wanted them to.
Imperfection Is Part of Being Human
One of the things that I see all the time with both my teen clients and my parent clients is frustration about not being “better.”
If you’re like many of my clients, you have been frustrated with yourself for not being “better.”
Maybe you yelled at your teen, and you wish you could go back in time and unsay some of the things you said.
Maybe you didn’t handle a situation with your spouse exactly how you wanted to, or maybe you made a mistake and you’re having to live with the consequences.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!
No one is perfect. That is part of being human.
Being imperfect is part of being a parent.
So now what?
Your Best IS Good Enough!
I want to help you trust that your best IS good enough.
In fact, it’s better than good enough. It’s all that’s possible, ever.
And, it’s PERFECT!
That’s right, your imperfect parenting is PERFECT for what you and your child need.
So, carry on! Keep doing your best!
Own it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and continue on!
I’m Not Perfect, So Now What?
Okay, so we’ve established that being human means that you’re not going to be perfect.
So, now what?
Below, I’m going to share 3 simple things to do when you find yourself being less than “perfect.”
#1 Acceptance, Gratitude, and Love
My childhood wasn’t “perfect”, but it was EXACTLY what I needed.
I’ve made TONS of mistakes in my life, but it turns out those mistakes were EXACTLY what I needed to become me.
In fact, without the exact childhood that I had or all of my mistakes, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
If you’re like me, you wouldn’t be who you are today without the exact childhood that you had.
If you’re like me, without all of your mistakes you wouldn’t be who you are today.
Also if you’re like me, there’s no going back and changing or “fixing” your childhood or undoing your mistakes.
So, you might as well accept it and be grateful for how it’s helped you become the parent you are today.
The problem is, it can be hard to accept our imperfections and mistakes.
It can be even harder to be grateful for our imperfections and mistakes.
But I want to invite you to connect with yourself Right Where You Are! Imperfections and all.
As you develop the skill of accepting yourself as you are, it will be easier to show yourself some gratitude. With gratitude for yourself, it will be easier to show yourself love and kindness.
You have always done your best. You are still doing your best!
And, that’s perfect!
#2 Improve Your Best
One of the things that I’ve noticed as a football coach is that your best at the beginning of the season looks a lot different than your best at the end of the season.
After one season of football, I’ve seen kids grow physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I’ve seen kids grow in their skills and abilities.
You can do the same thing!
Your best today won’t look like your best in a year from now, especially after listening to the podcast, joining the membership, and practicing all of these amazing skills.
Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t compare yourself with this mythical “perfect” version of you.
Just give your best today and continue the work of improving your best.
#3 Enjoy the Process!
This one is very important, and it’s one that lots of parents forget.
Enjoy the process.
There’s nothing wrong with starting right where you are right now. It’s okay that it might take you some time.
Embrace the process and find ways to enjoy it.
In my experience as a football coach, the best football players are the ones who enjoy the process of working to be their best.
On the other hand, the players who constantly compare themselves with others, think they should be further along in the process, or hate being called out by the coach and admitting that there’s room to improve, seldom reach their potential.
When you can enjoy this process, growth is simply part of the journey.
The imperfections and mistakes also become simply part of the journey.
Call to ACTION!
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