Episode 220: #1 Reason Parents Struggle with Teens!

Parents All Over the World Are Struggling

If you’re parenting a teenager, and you feel like you’re on the struggle bus almost everyday, know that you are not alone.

Parents all over the country are struggling, and what’s more is that parents all over the world are struggling!

Over the past few years I’ve had clients in the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, Africa, and South America. They all had one thing in common, they felt like they were struggling with their teen, and they knew things could be better, they just didn’t know how to make them better.

So, if you’re struggling with your teen, or if you know someone who is, know that you’re not alone. Know that there are parents all over the world just like you, looking to improve things with their teenager.

The #1 Reason You’re Struggling with your Teen

If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not like other parenting gurus an experts; in fact often I’m the exact opposite.

Most parenting experts would have you focus on your teen and identify everything that they’re doing wrong. They would try to first lay the blame on the teen, identifying that they aren’t following the rules, or not giving their best effort in school, or that they spend too much time on their phones or videos games.

The problem is, none of the things I mentioned above are within your control, which means that you don’t have the power to change them, and any effort trying to change things outside of your control is wasted effort that could be applied to YOU being the change.

And THIS is the number one reason parents struggle with their teens, anNow, the column on the left consists of “Natural” Consequences and the column on the right consists of “Enforced or Logical” Consequences.

And, it’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you at all. It makes sense that you would have tried to fix, change, and control your teen, that’s what you’ve been taught. That’s the example that has been modeled in the past.

But, there’s a better way! I promise

The Better Way is YOU and Your Identity

Fortunately, there’s a better way to stop struggling with your teen and finally connect, enjoy each other, and seriously up level your parenting at the same time.

The better way is for you to define your parenting identity.

Sounds simple, right?

You might be thinking something like, “Well duh! I know my parenting identity. I’m a mom.”

While, that’s a good start, you can do better.

If all you know is that you’re a mom, or a dad, or that you don’t like yelling, that’s a good start, but it’s not enough to really guide you in “tough” parenting moments.

You see, most parents have no clue what their parenting identity is; and with this lack of identity, they have no idea how they want to behave from moment to moment.

Another thing that I often see is when parents lack their own personal identity and they try to adopt an identity that someone else has for them. For example, my mom has told my many times that I should by a milk cow and have my teenage sons milk the cow so they can learn how to work and be responsible. This is what my parents did for me and my brothers, so she things I should do this for my kids.

There’s one problem, that would be me trying to live according to her identity for me, not my own.

The Problem with a Lack of Parenting Identity

In Lewis Carol’s “Alice in Wonderland,” there’s a conversation between Alice and the Cheshire Cat. It goes like this:

Alice: “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” The Cheshire Cat: “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.” Alice: “I don’t much care where.” The Cheshire Cat: “Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.”

Because she had no clear vision for her purpose or final destination, it didn’t really matter which direction she took.

The same is true for parents. If you have no purpose, no clear identity, no vision it doesn’t really matter how you parent from moment to moment.

BUT, . . .

. . . If you know who you want to be as a parent, . . .

. . . This identity will act as a guide, as a compass, as a parenting GPS in any parenting moment, but especially in “tough” parenting moments.

Parents of teens struggle connecting with their teens, not because of who their teen is being, or how they’re teen is behaving, but because of who they, the parent, are BEing and behaving. And, if you haven’t taken the time to define your parenting identity, you’ve probably gotten stuck in the “Lost and Confused Parent Trap.”

Defining Your Parenting Identity

I have a specific process for doing this that you can find inside my membership, and I’ll be offering a free training on Friday, September 13th at 10:00 am MT.

But, here’s the basic idea. You need to take the time to DEFINE your identity. DEFINE means that YOU get to determine who you are, what you’re dreams and goals are, what your standards are, and what your working towards.

When I take parents through this process, they’re often shocked by just how far out of integrity they are living with the version of themselves that they’d like to be.

During this process, it’s important to take the time to identify times when you’ve felt at your best as a parent, times when you’ve felt excited, confident, love, and like parenting was easy and like it came naturally to you. Once you do this, you can start to understand who you were BEing in those moments.

FREE Parenting Class

If you want a better relationship with your teen, I’m going to be offering a FREE Parenting Class on Friday, September 13th at 10 am MT. And the cool part is, you get to help me determine what the class will be on. Simply go to benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass and tell me what you want the parenting class to be on. You’ll get to choose between, Defining Your Parenting Identity, Building Better Boundaries, or other, and you can let me know what you want to learn.

Building a better relationship with your teen is as easy as, . . .

Telling me what topic you want to learn at benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass
Blocking out Friday, September 13th at 10 am MT on your calendar, and . . .
Empowering yourself to start BEING the parent of your dreams!

TAKE THE QUIZ

#152- Identity, Abundance & The Law of Attraction

In this podcast episode, I interview Cliff Ravenscraft from MindsetAnswerman.com

Cliff Ravenscraft is a Master Business Coach, Mentor & Speaker. His focus is to help you break free from any beliefs and/or behaviors that are holding you back from living the life of your dreams and doing the work you feel most called to do in this world.

We talk about:
1. Identity
2. Abundance
3. The Law of Attraction
and a few other random things

Listen to this amazing interview with Cliff.

COME JOIN AMAZING MOMS LIKE YOU INSIDE THE PARENT MEMBERSHIP

If you want to seriously up-level your parenting, join the membership.

If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.

If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.

If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community in the membership

LEARN MORE

#149 – Creating the Identity You Want as a Mom with Corinne Crabtree

IMPORTANT!

I don’t like scripting out my podcast interviews. Their natural, conversation style.

These show notes will not do this episode justice.

If you want all the gold nuggets from this episode, make sure to listen to the episode!

What is Your Parenting Identity?

One of the things I’ve realized is that if you are struggling to make lasting changes in your life, it is probably because you don’t identify as someone who could make those changes.

Mindset Matters!

Often times, experts, whether in parenting, business, or weight loss focus on the tactics, but they often forget the mindset component.

Mindset is powerful.

How you think determines how you feel, and how you feel determines how you behave.

Managing Your Mind Helps You Parent.

If you want to better connect with your teen, you have to do your own inner work as a parent.

Most parents are reactive and never really take the time to intentionally parent in a way that is true to who they want to be as a parent.

By doing this, you have the power to BE The Change that you want to see.

When you create change on the inside, you will see things change on the outside.

Lasting Change = Doable Change

Most people try to create radical change that is not even who they really want to be.

Corinne mentions that you have to create change that is in line with how you want to live.

If you want to eat pizza and ice cream, you have to figure out how to be someone who eats pizza and ice cream responsibly.

It means figuring out, what can I do TODAY and doing just that.

Access My BE the Change Workbook for FREE!

Simply click the button below.

BE The Change Workbook for FREE

COME JOIN AMAZING MOMS LIKE YOU INSIDE THE PARENT MEMBERSHIP

If you want to seriously up-level your parenting, join the membership.

If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.

If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.

If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community in the membership

LEARN MORE

#145 – Top 10 Parenting Secrets: #2 The Identity Process

My Favorite Things to Teach

I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.

In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.

So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.

And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.

Being the Parent of Your Dreams is an Identity Process

Your identity is a powerful driver in your life.

It’s really hard to do things that aren’t aligned with your identity.

Think about smoking for example.

If you’re not a smoker, it would be pretty hard for you to smoke.

It would feel wrong, and icky, and just completely foreign to you.

It’s because, if you identify as a non-smoker, that goes completely against how you think, feel, and behave.

This is important to recognize because if you think you’re a “Bad Parent” it’s going to be hard to do things that you think only good parents do.

Your Parenting Identity is Like Your GPS

If you think about GPS, it only needs two pieces of data to function.

Where you are, and where you want to be.

That’s it.

With those two points, it can calculate different routes to get you where you want to be.

To be the parent of your dreams, you need to trust your parenting GPS, and you need to know where you are and where you want to be.

That is your identity.

Once you know that, tough parenting moments get easier.

Just like having GPS makes driving in unfamiliar territory, knowing your identity makes parenting in uncharted territory easier.

Create a 10-Word Vision Statement

One of my favorite exercises to walk parents through is that of creating a 10-word vision statement for themselves and their parenting.

It’s super easy, and SUPER POWERFUL!

I’ve had several parents name this as the #1 thing that’s changed everything for them.

Here is a simple process for doing this:

Brainstorm/journal for 5-10 minutes about who you want to be as a parent.
- What are your values?
- How do you want to show up?
Then, take what you just journaled and identify what things are within your control.
- “I want my teen to feel safe around me” is outside of your control. You can’t control how your teen feels.
- However, “I want to be a safe harbor for my teen and listen with curiosity and love” are things that you can control.
Next, craft a 10-Word Vision Statement that is empowering and within your control.
My favorite that I’ve ever come up with is:
- Parenting with love, confidence, and curiosity is easy and fun.

This vision statement will act as your navigation system in awesome parenting moments and in tough parenting moments.

Know Yourself and Trust Yourself

Every parent has a unique blend of skills, strengths, and gifts.

Get to know yours!

Trust that you have been given these skills, strengths, and gifts because YOU are the perfect parent for your teen.

When you know these strengths and gifts, you can access them more easily.

Trust yourself.

Trust your gifts.

YOU are powerful.

Access My BE the Change Workbook for FREE!

Simply click the button below.

BE The Change Workbook for FREE

COME JOIN AMAZING MOMS LIKE YOU INSIDE THE PARENT MEMBERSHIP!

If you want to seriously up-level your parenting, join the membership.

If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.

If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.

If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community.

LEARN MORE

#144 – My Favorite Parenting Secrets – #1 Be The Change

My Favorite Things to Teach

I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.

In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.

So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.

And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be Hard

One of the things that I hear all of the time is that “parenting teens is hard.”

Here’s the thing, parenting teens does not have to be hard.

That is a lie.

In fact, parenting teens can be simple, fun, and super easy.

If you find yourself believing that parenting teens is hard, I want you to explore, “What’s so hard about it?”

If you’re like many parents, it’s because you are trying to change your teen.

And, I believe that the hardest thing to do as a parent is to change your teen.

The reason this is so hard is because it’s impossible.

You cannot change your teen.

Sure, they can change, and it might even be because you asked them to, or grounded them, or got all crazy with them.

But still, YOU cannot change your teen.

And, if you think parenting is hard, it might be because you are trying to change them.

BE the Change

So, here’s the secret.

Quit trying to change your teen and simply BE THE CHANGE you want to see in your teen.

BOOM!

Mic drop.

The END!

This one thing will change EVERYTHING!

I love identifying the ONE THING that will change everything because it makes your job more simple.

You don’t have to do everything to create change.

Just do the one thing.

Change Happens from the INSIDE OUT

I promise you, if you stop trying to change things outside of yourself and start changing yourself, you’ll be amazed at how much things outside of you change.

Now, here’s a warning . . .

. . . NEVER change with the intention of getting someone else to change.

You’ll always be disappointed and disempowered.

Simply change for YOU.

BE The Change You Want To See In Your Teen (or even your spouse).

Your Change will Connect You with Your Teen

Something powerful will happen when you start BEing the change you want to see in your teen.

It will help you connect with your teen.

It will magically improve your relationship with your teen.

You’ll find yourself doing fewer things that are disconnective, like criticizing, trying to change them, and trying to control them.

You’ll also find that you are more empowered and impactful as a parent.

Access My BE the Change Workbook for FREE!

Simply click the button below.

BE The Change Workbook for FREE

COME JOIN AMAZING MOMS LIKE YOU INSIDE OF THE PARENT MEMBERSHIP!

If you want to seriously uplevel your parenting, join the membership.

If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.

If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.

If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community.

LEARN MORE!