Recently, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me sharing a similar feeling of having their teen on their last nerve.
I’ve got to be honest, I know exactly how you feel. Recently, I’ve been catching myself being short tempered and impatient with my kids, not just my teens.
One of the things that’s been helping me with this is simply remembering that frustration is simply part of being a parent. In fact, I often remind myself that not only is it part of being a parent, but I signed up for this to help me grow and improve.
It’s also helpful to remind myself that I have the tools to handle my frustration. I try to remind myself, “Ben, you teach parents and teens about Emotional Intelligence all of the time, this is simply an opportunity to practice what you preach!”
I want to preface this podcast with a warning. I call it how I see it. This is not meant to offend, but is meant with all the love that I have for you. And, those of you who I have personally spoken too recently, you know how much I love and care about you!
If you haven’t spoken to me recently, I’m guessing you know how much I care.
So here we go.
YOU Are Responsible for How You Feel
I know, this one is obvious, but it’s also so easy to forget.
You my friend are responsible for how you feel, not your teen. If you’re losing your patience, that’s on you, not your teen. If you’re teen’s getting on your last nerve, that’s on you, not your teen. If you currently don’t trust your teen, maybe they’ve stolen money from you, maybe they’re sneaking around with their girl or boyfriend, or maybe their looking at porn, not matter what your teen is doing YOU are responsible for how you choose to think about them and feel towards them.
I’m not saying that you should just trust blindly, but you can choose to trust that your teen is getting exactly what they need from life, and you can trust that they, and everything, will turn out A-OKAY!
There are a few things that you can do to BE responsible for how you feel.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Step 1, Identify what you’re feeling. Might be anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, dislike, or some combination of multiple feelings.
Step 2, Identify why you’re feeling that feeling. It will always be a thought. It might be, “They should be more open with communication.” or maybe, “They shouldn’t be looking at porn.” or maybe even, “I can’t believe they would do that.”
Ultimately, you have the power to better understand what you’re feeling and why.
Don’t identify as your feeling. Identify as someone who’s experiencing the feeling. Someone who can identify, observe, and explore the feeling, and even intentionally create your feelings. This will help give you power and acceptance over your emotions.
STOP Blaming your teen! This is one of the most disempowering things you can do. You are not at the mercy of your teen. You are responsible for your feelings, not your teen.
Recently, I blamed my 8 year old for my frustration. It was about 10:00 pm and way past his bed time. He and his sister were fighting, and I was convinced that HE was to blame for my frustration. When I took responsibility, I realized that it had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I was stressed about my upcoming live event. I was frustrated at the time that my new day job takes. I was unhappy about the lower numbers of podcast downloads. None of which had anything to do with him. I reminded myself, I’m anxious about the live event because I care so much. That’s a good thing. I might be frustrated about the time my job takes away from my business and family, but I’m really blessed and excited about the job. And, my podcast downloads always go down during summer. I’m okay with that because I want families out having fun, and that might give them less time to listen to my podcast.
You’re Attached to a Desired Outcome that’s Out of Your Control
If you’re like a lot of parent of teens, you might be falling into the trap of being emotionally attached to a specific desired outcome.
For example, I was recently talking with a mom who said that it’s killing her to watch her teen not use good communication skills, even with his friends. I asked how she feels about it and she explained that she felt disappointed, frustrated, and even embarrassed. All of these emotions are signaling that she has an attachment to how she thinks things should be with her teen.
The problem with these attachments is that they are a huge waste of energy. Think about it: you want your teen to behave a certain way, this is your mental focus. When your teen doesn’t behave that way, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed. These emotions are energy inside of you, and these emotions keep you from BEing the mom that you want to be.
Instead, I want to invite you to FIRST, catch yourself being attached to the desired outcome (HINT: You’ll catch yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed). SECOND, I want you to identify what are the things that you’re focusing on that are outside of your control (HINT: These will be thoughts like, “I can’t believe he did that.”) and THIRD, shift your attention to something within your control, (HINT: This will be something to do with YOU.)
The truth is, your attachment to your desired outcomes are holding you back and emotionally keeping you from BEing the parent of your dreams!
It’s Time to Set Better Boundaries
This can be tough. I get it. I need to have a free class for all parents to come learn how to set better boundaries.
For now focus on these few things when it comes to setting better boundaries.
#1, How can I empower my teen and get their input on this boundary?
For me I like to ask empowering questions like, “I understand you want to stay out extra late this weekend. What do you think would be a fair curfew?”
You want to let them do the thinking. If you don’t like their answer, simply say, “I see. That’s a pretty good idea, but I don’t think I can get behind that. How about this instead?” Then just go back and forth working together to come up with something that works best for you.
#2, Focus on building your connection with your teen to improve your boundaries with them.
#3, Experiment with your boundaries. You don’t have to do it “perfectly right” every time. Gain some experience through trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your teen’s not listening!
I know, if you’re like me and like the parents that I coach, you’ve probably noticed that your teen doesn’t really listen to you as much as you’d like, and yet, if you’re like me you probably spend way to much time trying to tell them stuff when they’re not really listening to you.
“What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.”
~ Joseph Chilton Pearce
Fortunately, there’s a secret that most parents miss, that’s even more powerful than having your teen listen to you.
The secret is this . . .
You’re teen’s not listening, but they are watching you!
~ Ben Pugh
Your Teen IS Watching You!
I promise you, your teen is watching you.
This is one of the most empowering parenting secrets ever!
And, most parents completely miss it because they are so busy falling into the trap or lecturing, yelling, arguing, discussing, pleading, all the things just hoping that their teen will finally listen.
In today’s podcast, we’re going to talk about a few things that you’re modeling to your teen, through your behavior, that you might not be aware of.
This isn’t meant to be mean or hurtful, it’s just to help you open your awareness and understand what you’re modeling for your teen.
Once you have awareness, you now have the power to choose!
Things You’re Modeling for Your Teen, without Knowing
#1 How You Handle Stress
This one is huge. I can’t tell you how many parents have come to me asking me to help their teen better manage their stress. Then, when I talk to the parent, I learn that they struggle handling their stress too, and that’s where their teen learned it from.
This is a powerful place for you to BE The Change you want to see in your teen.
Your teen is watching you and how you handle stress. Do you rise to the occasion? Do you see yourself as bigger than your stressors? Or do you shrink in the face of stress. Do you see your problems as bigger than you?
#2 How You Manage Your Mind and Emotions
I know, this could basically cover the first one. But, it’s slightly different.
Whether you like it or not, whether you feel like you manage your mind and emotions or not, YOU ARE modeling that behavior.
This is powerful to understand. You have the power to manage your mind. You have the power to demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Most parents pass on their beliefs to their kids. They also pass on their same emotional habits. You get to choose what you’ll model when it comes to how you manage your mind and your emotions.
#3 How You Treat Yourself and Others
Again, a lot of parents have asked me to help their teen improve their self-esteem, only to find that it is the parent who needs help with their self-esteem.
How you treat yourself is the model for how your teen will likely treat themselves. How you treat them, will greatly impact how they treat themselves.
Give your teen the gift of modeling how to have a positive relationship with yourself and others.
#4 What You Value
If I were to spend about 5 minutes with you, I could give you a pretty accurate description of your top values. Your values always manifest in your results.
You are modeling your values for your teen.
Many times, your teen will learn to value your values, simply because you value them.
Be intentional about the things you value.
#5 How You Identify Obstacle and Opportunities
If you go through life seeing all the obstacles, but missing all of the opportunities, your teen will likely follow your lead and adopt the victim mindset as their main mindset.
If you practice seen the opportunities that come from the obstacles, your teen will follow your example and adopt the hero mindset as their main mindset.
You’re teen isn’t listening, but they are watching you.
Whether you realize it or not, you are a powerful example in their life.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’re like most parents, you probably want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life.
If you don’t want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life, you’re listening to the wrong podcast.
If you’re wanting to change your teen, control your teen, or fix your teen, you’re probably not having the impact that you’d like to have on your teen, because those ways of parenting will have a negative impact on your teen.
So, I wanted to share with you the 7 most powerful things that I see IMPACTFUL Parents doing. If you’re in my membership, IMPACT, you’ve seen parents do this. In fact, you might be one of the parents that I’m referencing. If you’re not in the membership yet, this will get you started down the path of having a powerful impact on your teen’s life.
This is one of my favorite things to teach inside the membership, and it’s one of the easiest concepts to understand.
Picture this: a simple T-Chart. On top, you write down a specific circumstance, (ex. Johnny is failing math.) On the left hand side it says, “Things I CAN Control.” On the right hand side it says, “Things I CAN’T Control.” Simple, right? Now, you go to work filling out the T-Chart. On the right hand side, you write down all the things you CAN’T control, like: I can’t control whether or not he does is homework. I can’t control whether or not he turns it in. I can’t control whether or not he sleeps through class. I can’t control whether or not he likes math. I can’t control whether or not he talks in class. I can’t control what his teacher thinks about him. And the list could go on and on.
Then we fill out the left side, what I CAN control. It might look like this: I can control whether or not I talk to him. I can control whether or not I email his teacher. I can control what I think about it. I can control how I feel. I can control how I behave.
You see, impactful parents shift their attention and their energy from things outside of their control, to the things within their control, and then they ONLY Control the Controllables!!
If you want to be more IMPACTFUL, control ONLY the controllables!
#6 Practice On the Top of The Wheel
This is one of the most underutilized practices in the world. Everyone wants to change and improve, but nobody’s willing to practice.
Being the parent of your dreams can be hard. You’re going to mess it up. So, get some more reps under your belt by practicing.
Want to be better? Practice, practice, PRACTICE! Repetition is the mother of all learning. It can be hard to change because you’re working against old programming. Creating lasting change means creating new programming. Creating new programming takes practice and developing new neural pathways.
And, make sure to practice when your at the top of the wheel. It will be easier. It will be more impactful, and it will be accompanied by more positive emotion.
Want to parent differently than everyone else? Want to have more impact? Practice your parenting during top of the wheel moments!
#7 Model the BEhavior they Want to See
Here’s a little secret that no one wants to admit, but we all know it. Your teen ISN’T listening to you, but they are WATCHING you!
The most powerful thing that you can do to have a powerful impact in your teen’s life is to MODEL the behavior you want to see in your teen’s in your own life.
BE The Change You Want to See!
One of the biggest mistakes parents make, including me, and probably you too, is demonstrating the exact behavior you want to eliminate from your teen. For example, have you ever yelled at your teen for yelling at people? Or, have you ever hit your teen for hitting a younger sibling? Or, have you ever criticized your teen for being too critical.
It’s okay if you’ve ever made any of these mistakes. It’s simply part of our herd animal programming. It natural to mirror others, which is important, so remember the idea of MIRRORING! If you’re teen’s grumpy and yelling at you, it’s natural to be grumpy right back and yell at them. This is mirroring.
BUT, if you can be intentional and MODEL the BEhavior you want to see in your teen, chances are that they will MIRROR YOU! It might not be immediately, and it might not be until they themselves are a parent, dealing with a teen who’s awfully similar to how they were as a teen, that they revert back to what they saw you do, but by modeling the behavior, you are giving them an example of how to be.
Want to parent for more impact? BE the parent of your dreams and model that behavior!
SPECIAL Bonus: Let Your IDENTITY Be Your Guide!
Last, but not least. Be aware of your identity. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Let that identity be the beacon in the distance that draws you closer, the compass that guides you along the way. Inside the membership, I teach parents how to create their own 10 Word Vision Statement for themselves to guide them in their parenting.
Take time to define who you want to be as a parent. Take time to imagine what that would look like. Visualize it and feel what it would feel like to be you. From that emotional state, move forward with action or inaction, but let your intentional emotions fuel your behaviors.
This is one of the most powerful things that impactful parents do differently!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Would you be willing to trade 5 minutes of your time and attention, every day, in exchange for a better relationship with your teen?
I want to teach you how to improve your relationship with your teen by simply taking 5 minutes to reflect on the things that you like most about your teen.
Get bonus points if you write down three things about your teen that you are grateful for.
These can be small, specific things or broader characteristics. The key is to focus on the positive aspects of your teen and your relationship with them.
How to Do It:
Find a quiet moment during your day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
Bonus points if you can do this 3 times a day (morning, afternoon, AND evening).
Take a deep breath and clear your mind.
Practice shifting your attention from things you don’t like to things you DO like.
Write down three things you appreciate about your teen. This could be their sense of humor, a kind act they did, or even their resilience in facing challenges.
Reflect on these points and feel the gratitude genuinely.
Why This Habit is Impactful:
Shifts Your Focus to Positivity: This habit helps shift your focus from the negative behaviors or challenges that you’re experiencing with your teen to the positive aspects of your teen, which will change the overall tone of your interactions and reduce conflict.
Improves Your Parenting Mindset: Practicing gratitude has been shown to increase overall happiness and reduce stress. By starting or ending the day with a positive reflection, you will feel more positive and empowered.
Improve Your Parent/Teen Relationship: When you consistently acknowledge and appreciate your teen’s positive qualities, it will lead to better feelings and better communication. Teens pick up changes like this, which will reduce their defensiveness and improve their behavior.
Promotes Self-Reflection: This habit encourages you to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts, fostering a deeper understanding of your relationship with your teen and your own emotional responses.
Most Parents Miss This
Most parents miss this because they focus on problem-solving or they focus on controlling their teen’s behavior, hoping it will improve their relationship with their teen.
If you’re like most parents, this focus is keeping you stuck.
Fortunately, shifting to a simple, positive reflection practice of gratitude, though it might seem overly simple and counterintuitive, is extremely effective.
Gratitude changes your narrative from “What’s going wrong?” to “What’s going right?”, which will be a powerful catalyst for change in your relationship with your teen.
By adopting this daily gratitude reflection habit, you will develop a more positive outlook, build a stronger emotional connection with your teen, and greatly improve your parenting in just a few minutes each day.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
I don’t like scripting out my podcast interviews. Their natural, conversation style.
These show notes will not do this episode justice.
If you want all the gold nuggets from this episode, make sure to listen to the episode!
What is Your Parenting Identity?
One of the things I’ve realized is that if you are struggling to make lasting changes in your life, it is probably because you don’t identify as someone who could make those changes.
Mindset Matters!
Often times, experts, whether in parenting, business, or weight loss focus on the tactics, but they often forget the mindset component.
Mindset is powerful.
How you think determines how you feel, and how you feel determines how you behave.
Managing Your Mind Helps You Parent.
If you want to better connect with your teen, you have to do your own inner work as a parent.
Most parents are reactive and never really take the time to intentionally parent in a way that is true to who they want to be as a parent.
By doing this, you have the power to BE The Change that you want to see.
When you create change on the inside, you will see things change on the outside.
Lasting Change = Doable Change
Most people try to create radical change that is not even who they really want to be.
Corinne mentions that you have to create change that is in line with how you want to live.
If you want to eat pizza and ice cream, you have to figure out how to be someone who eats pizza and ice cream responsibly.
It means figuring out, what can I do TODAY and doing just that.
