If you feel lost as a parent, it’s probably because you don’t really know where you want to go or who you want to be.
In fact, if you’re unhappy as a parent, I guarantee it’s tied to this same principle.
That’s why in my FREE audio course, Parenting from the Inside Out, one of the first things that we work on is IDENTITY.
If you don’t know who you want to be, you’ll have a hard time living in alignment with that identity.
One of the first questions that I ask people is, “What are you hoping that I can help you with?”
You see, I need to know what they want, where they want to go, so that I can know how to help them.
So, if you’re feeling lost as a parent, or if you’re feeling unhappy as a parent, explore, “Where do I want to go?” and “Who do I want to be?”
Stop Focusing On What You DON’T Want
Another thing that will leave you feeling lost is focusing on what you DON’T want. This is one of the things that teens and parents both do. They don’t know what they want, but they are consumed with what they DON’T want.
By focusing on what don’t want, you’re actually creating more of what you don’t. You’re giving your attention and energy to the thing that you don’t want, which attracts more of what you don’t want.
This is one of the mistakes that I often make as a parent. Rather than focusing on what I like about my teen, and what I want for them, I focus on what I don’t like and what I don’t want.
This changes my energy towards my teen.
If you’re anything like me, when you’re focusing on things that you DON’T want, you’re more likely to have an external focus on things outside of your control.
Define What YOU Want
One of the first things that I have my clients do is to Define What They Want.
For parents, I have them create a 10 word vision statement. For teens, I might have them create a vision statement or define some goals, but it’s important that you know what WANT.
It’s also important to define what YOU want, not what others want you to want. This can be hard, especially if you’re used to trying to make others happy and trying to manage other’s models.
This will help you shift your attention and energy off of what you don’t want. This will help give you direction in “tough” parenting moments because, rather than trying to avoid what you don’t want, you can move towards what you do want.
Focus On Only What You Can Control
One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is focusing on things outside of their control.
A common example is, “I want to be the type of parent that MY TEEN wants and feel comfortable to talk to.”
The problem is, it’s focused on something outside of your control, your teen.
You could be an amazing parent, and your teen still might not want to talk to you.
Instead, bring that focus into something with in your control. For example, “I want to love my teen no matter what. I want to treat them with love and respect.”
It’s focused on you and what you can control.
Live In Alignment with Your TRUE Desires by Experimenting
This is massively important, and it’s one that a lot of us get wrong.
In religion, a lot of us are taught about “right” and “wrong” and that we should only do what’s “right” and avoid what’s “wrong” at all costs. And, if you’ve done something “wrong”, you’re bad.
Well, I’m hear to tell you that there’s a better way to live in alignment.
You have to experiment and learn from trial and error.
You see, you’re going to be confronted with “tough” parenting moments, when you don’t know what to do. If you’ve taken the time to define who you want to be and where you want to go as a parent, this “tough” parenting moment will be easier, but you still won’t know how to best handle it until you’ve experienced it.
And, for me, I have to take blind action, or limited sight action. I do what I think is best and I pay attention to how it feels. Sometimes I get to pat myself on the back for a job well done and now understand that I’ve learned how I want to handle such things.
Other times, I feel a sense of out of alignment, and sometimes it can feel icky, but it’s an opportunity to course correct and realize, I want to try something different in the future.
Every “tough” parenting moment is an opportunity to experiment and practice living in alignment with who you want to be and where you want to go as a parent.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
In this podcast, I discuss exploring spirituality with an open mind, and acknowledging that traditional religious views may clash with non-traditional perspectives.
I differentiate between spirituality and religion, emphasizing a personal exploration without claiming expertise.
I challenge the notion that worthiness determines spirituality, sharing personal experiences to advocate for a focus on personal alignment and integrity.
We delve into the concept of co-creation, where everything is spiritually created before manifesting physically.
I discuss the power of thoughts and emotions in shaping our reality, stressing the importance of aligning inner desires with external actions. I suggest a shift from external religious focus to internal connection with divinity, asserting that the most direct link to God is within ourselves.
Discipline plays a crucial role in spiritual growth, aligning actions with our desired identity.
I highlight the creator mentality, emphasizing that individuals shape their reality through their thoughts and feelings.
Take responsibility for our reality and realize that spirituality is a personal learning journey, not something you can be taught but something that you can only learn through YOU.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Lately I’ve felt directed to discuss things concerning spirituality.
I’ll do a podcast on spirituality, what it is, what it isn’t, what it’s often confused with, especially in religion, and more.
But this episode isn’t specifically about spirituality, but it is about something that will help deeper connect you with things of a spiritual nature.
So, as you listen, try to listen for things that ignite your soul.
3 Mentalities
When I was a principal, there was a time when we had a poster hung up above the cafeteria doors that said something like.
Victims see only obstacles, while heroes see only opportunities.
I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like that.
I remember that it jarred me at the moment.
At that moment, I remember being very focused on the obstacles in my life as a principal.
I remember feeling very frustrated and defeated, and I realized that I was totally in the victim mentality.
So, I started questioning, “What opportunities am I missing?”
Instantly, my mind was flooded with opportunities that I had previously been blind to.
This time in my life was an opportunity to delegate more responsibility to my staff and my students.
It was an opportunity to train and level up people around me.
It was an opportunity to let go of things out of my control.
That little sign completely changed my reality.
Since then, I’ve come to realize that there’s 3 mentalities; Victim Mentality, Hero Mentality, and the Creator Mentality.
I came to this realization a couple months ago while on a walk with my wife and my dog.
I remember having my mind blown wide open.
I happened to have a group coaching call right after the walk and I instantly taught my members this concept.
Now, I want to teach it to you.
Victim Mentality
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You’ll find opportunities
You’ll be grateful for trials and struggles
You’ll embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
Creator Mentality
So, let’s talk about the last and most powerful mentality.
I like to call it either creator mentality or the god mentality.
If the victim mentality is the world happening TO you, and the hero mentality is the world happening FOR you, the creator mentality is the world happening THROUGH you.
This means, that you look at your reality, your results, as something that’s come through you.
This can be a tough pill to swallow!
If you’re at a weight that you don’t want to be at, like I currently way between 245-250 lbs. I want to weigh 195-200 lbs. I created this reality.
The thing is, when you swallow this tough pill and you accept ownership of your reality, you embrace the power that you have to create a new and different reality.
You begin to see your hand in EVERYTHING.
You begin to see how you have the power to create change all around you.
You’ll know you’re in the creator mentality if:
Start taking responsibility for you and the things you can control.
You let go of things outside of your control and redirect that energy to things within your control.
You see things that you want to create and you feel confident that you can create them.
You feel empowered, confident, and bold.
This is where you want to be.
As a parent, this means that you’re no longer blaming your teen for your poor relationship.
You’re no longer making excuses and criticizing yourself and others.
You see the relationship that you want with your teen, and you go about creating that relationship.
Now, sometimes people ask, “So, you want my to just blame myself for what my teen’s doing?” or “You want me to ignore my teen’s part in all of this.”
Well, NO, I don’t want you blaming yourself for what you’re teen’s doing. That’s actually more of the victim mentality.
And, YES, you may need to ignore your teen’s part in things because it’s OUTSIDE of your control.
All this does is help you take back your power by being responsible for YOU and ONLY the things you can control.
By doing this, you can re-harness your energy and re-apply it to you instead of all the things outside of your control.
Why this is SO Important
The secret is, whether you’re in the victim mentality, the hero mentality, or the creator mentality, YOU ARE THE CREATOR of your reality.
So, if you’re in the victim mentality, that’s the reality that you’re creating.
If you’re in the hero mentality, that’s a definite level up from the victim mentality.
When you embrace the creator mentality, there’s nothing that can stand in the way of YOU being the you of your dreams.
When you start taking responsibility for your reality, you claim the power that comes with having created your reality, which gives you the power to create a new reality however you want it.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
The Biggest Connection Secret
Your Teen Wants YOU To Connect with Them!
Most parents operate from this myth that their teen doesn’t want anything to do with them.
And then, lot of parents either wait for their teen to connect with them or try to force their teen to connect with them, but if you wait for your teen, you might be waiting for a very long time, and trying to force your teen to make the connection will actually push them further away.
Instead, simply trust that your teen does, indeed, want YOU to connect with them.
If you trust this, you will find that you feel more confident in what you do as a parent.
I want you to think back to a time when you wanted someone to connect with you.
Maybe it was a parent, or an aunt or uncle, or a grand-parent, or maybe a coach or a friend.
How did that feel? What would you have done to get their attention?
Now, think back on a time when that person connected with you, maybe the noticed you or complimented you or laughed at a joke, or just gave you their time and attention.
How did that feel? What would you have done for them?
The truth is, your teen does want connection with you.
They want YOU to connect with them.
When you connect with them, you will be a powerful influence and motivator in their life.
Be the one to build this connection.
Build Values Based Connection
This is probably the second biggest secret when it comes to building connection with your teen.
One of the mistakes that I see parents making all of the time is trying to get their teens to connect over something that the parent values, instead of working to connect over something that the teen values.
When your teen was 5 or 6, in fact, probably up until they were 9 or 10, your were probably able to connect with them over things that you valued.
This is because at this age, they took the, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me” approach.
This by the way is one of my favorite stages.
Currently, my 7 year old thinks I am the best, and if something’s important to me, it’s important to him.
Now that your teen isn’t 7 anymore, it’s time for you to take this approach.
If it’s important to your teen, how could it be important to you?
Find the connection.
Right now, my oldest’s top values are his girlfriend, football, and having fun.
Now, with that information, it’s my job to find ways to connect over those values and build values based connections.
My second oldest’s top values are basketball, the girl that he’s interested in, and relaxing.
My daughters top values are Harry Potter, school, and friends.
My youngest’s top values are cuddling with dad, having fun with his sister, and trying to be like his brothers.
When I can see this, it helps me build connection.
You can apply this to your teens, your spouse, even your mother in law.
If you want stronger relationships, start building on the foundation of their values.
You might need to get creative, or maybe skip their top #1 or #2 values.
If you have a teen, and their top value is smoking weed, or a girl friend that you don’t approve of, you might have to start at the top value that you can get behind.
Either way, if you want to increase your connection with your teen, find ways to value what they value.
Your Relationships Reflect YOU!
In last week’s podcast we talked about self-connection and inner wisdom.
This is important because every relationship you have is in someway a reflection of your own relationship with yourself.
Recently I was coaching a mom and daughter about a fight the daughter had had with her dad.
In my time with them, I’ve observed that this daughter and her dad are very similar.
They have similar mannerisms, ways of being, similar values, and they at times clash!
Sometimes this daughter is very harsh with her dad, but this harshness is just a reflection of how harsh she is with herself in her thoughts.
She wants to treat her dad better. She wants to be kinder and more respectful.
The secret is, if she wants to improve her relationship with her dad, she’ll need to first improve her relationship with herself.
The quickest way for her to be kinder and more respectful to her dad will be for her to be kinder and more respectful to herself.
A powerful connection with your teen starts with a powerful connection with yourself.
Come Join Me!
I’m getting ready to do my 3 day live Be the Change Parenting series again. This is one of my most popular trainings that I do.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Feel Powerless in Your Parenting?
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably felt powerless from time to time.
In fact, if you’re a first time listener to this podcast, I’m guessing that you’ve recently found yourself feeling powerless.
If you’ve listened to my podcast very long, you’ve probably heard me say that when you feel powerless as a parent, it’s because you’re focusing on things outside of your control.
Today, we’re going to talk about getting your personal power back
It’s Time to Take Your Power Back
If you’ve been feeling powerless, it’s time to take your personal power back.
There are 3 exercises that I’m going to walk you through to help you take your power power back and start living in integrity.
Exercise #1 Stop Focusing on Things Outside Of Your Control
One of the main ways that I see parents giving away their power is by constantly focusing on things outside of their control.
You’re guilty of this if you’ve ever found yourself feeling anxious, worried, and stressed because you are focusing on something that you want your teen to do, or not do, or to change.
You feel all of these disempowering feelings because you are focused on things outside of your control.
So, here’s the exercise I like to call the T-Chart of Control.
Listen to the podcast for details on how to do this exercise.
Exercise #2 Your Word Is Powerful
The second way that you might be losing your personal power is in the way that you speak.
Your words are powerful.
If you are critical of yourself, you are losing personal power.
If you are critical of others, you are losing personal power, and your focus is on things outside of your control.
Anytime you complain, you are losing your personal power.
When you blame, you are losing your personal power.
So, here’s the exercise.
Start gaining an awareness of how you speak, both internally and externally.
Awareness is a powerful starting point.
Many of the things that we do are unconscious habits.
By bringing awareness to this, you will then gain the power to be intentional.
So, the exercise is this. Spend one day gaining awareness of how you speak. Then, spend one day being intentional of how you speak.
Exercise #3 Live In INTEGRITY
Most people are living OUT OF INTEGRITY in their lives.
To me, living out of integrity is something we’ve been taught to do.
Living in integrity is when you do or don’t do something that you is not inline with who you want to be.
It’s saying you’ll do something, and then not doing it. Or, saying you won’t do something, and then doing it anyway.
It’s wanting something for yourself, for your live, and then not BEing the person that creates that.
