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The Back-Pain Breakdown That Changed Everything

A few weeks ago, my low back locked up so intensely that it felt like my pelvis was being crushed from the inside. I’ve dealt with back issues since I was 15, but this flare-up was next-level.

I’ve done the rounds: chiropractic, physical therapy, surgery, massage, medications. Nothing has ever helped quickly.

Out of desperation, I turned to ChatGPT.
Yes… really.

I described my symptoms and uploaded pictures — and shockingly, it diagnosed the problem instantly. It told me exactly which muscles were firing incorrectly, which patterns were causing the flare-up, and how to start unwinding some of those old, dysfunctional habits.

And here’s the wild part:

The fastest relief came not from doing “more,” but from undoing the old patterns that were creating the pain.

And that’s when the parenting metaphor slapped me across the face.

Your Parenting Pain Comes From Old Patterns Too

Just like my back, your relationship with your teen runs on patterns.

Some of them helpful.
Some of them harmful.
And some so old you don’t even realize they’re operating in the background.

If you’ve ever said:

• “Why do we keep having this same fight?”

• “Why do I react this way?”

• “Why is my teen always so prickly?”

• “Why does nothing I try actually work?”

You’re not failing.
Your programming is outdated.

The Biggest Mistake Parents Make: Reinforcing Old Code

When a teen gets moody, disrespectful, crabby, or distant, parents often try to “fix” the problem by doing more of what already isn’t working:

• tightening rules

• taking phones

• grounding

• lecturing

• pushing harder

• trying to control behavior

This is the equivalent of how I kept strengthening the wrong muscles — making my back pain worse without realizing it.

Trying harder isn’t the solution.
Updating your internal patterns is.

Warning Signs You’re Headed for a Parenting Flare-Up

Most parents don’t realize the signs are popping up long before the explosion.

Here are a few early indicators:

1. Your inner dialogue turns negative.

If your thoughts sound like:
“He’s such a jerk.”
“She never listens.”
“I can’t stand this kid right now.”
…that’s a red flag.

Your thoughts shape your tone—even when your words sound “calm.”

2. Your teen becomes a porcupine.

Porcupine mode = prickly, distant, spiky, reactive.
Not a problem — an invitation.

3. You want to overreact.

If you catch yourself wanting to go straight to extremes (“Fine, then no phone for a month!”) you’re slipping into old programming.

4. You feel like the relationship is slipping.

This usually means you’ve been in “react mode” instead of “intentional mode.”

Cortni’s Example: Parenting a Prickly Teen

Cortni shared how her son had been crabby for days. Every response felt sharp. Every interaction felt tense.

Her old programming wanted to snap back, lecture, or punish.

Instead, she tried something new.

She asked, gently:
“Are you just needing more love?”

And even though he rejected her at first, he smiled.

That small shift — approaching a porcupine with compassion instead of defensiveness — started to change everything.

Why This Works: Because How You Think Creates How You Parent

You cannot force new results from old thinking.

You can:

• say the right words

• follow the “right steps”

• use the “right tools”

…but if your internal programming is bitter, resentful, defensive, or exhausted, your teen will feel it.

Your energy communicates more loudly than your words ever will.

The Parenting Update You Didn’t Know You Needed

So what’s the update?

It’s this:

Stop trying to change your teen’s behavior and start updating your own internal patterns first.

This doesn’t mean you’re “the problem.”
It means you’re the part you control.

Your updated programming might sound like:

• “I can be calm even when he’s not.”

• “I choose connection over control.”

• “His mood isn’t about me.”

• “I can show up how I want to, no matter what he does.”

• “I respond, I don’t react.”

That shift alone creates new possibilities.

Where to Start Your Update

Try this simple practice:

1. Identify one old pattern.

For example:
“When he gets crabby, I snap back.”

2. Pause.

Just three seconds.

3. Insert one new pattern.

“I want to be the calm, grounded parent — not the reactive one.”

4. Repeat.

A thousand small reps will eventually replace your old programming completely.

Final Thought: Your Teen Needs This Version of You

Your teen doesn’t need perfection.
They don’t need control.
They don’t need punishment.

They need a parent who is:

• aware

• intentional

• emotionally regulated

• flexible

• updated

Just like my back, your parenting is capable of healing — fast — when you stop reinforcing the old patterns and start building new ones.

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Want Help?

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Whether you’re a parent or a teen, I offer free coaching calls to help you get started.

Book a free call today: https://benpughcoaching.com/mini