One of the things that I’ve heard a lot lately is, “Yeah, but my teen wants nothing to do with me.”
Like, “Ben, everything you teach is cool and all, but my teen wants nothing to do with me, so it won’t work.”
I want to tell you a few things.
#1 I’m sorry your teen want’s nothing to do with you. That’s hard. I know. I’ve experienced it as both a teen and a parent.
#2 You’re focusing on something outside of your control, and it’s disempowering, and it will hold you back and keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
#3 If you do YOUR work, EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE! I promise you.
So, again, if your teen seems to want nothing to do with you, I’m sorry. But, I promise you, this work will change your life and it will change your teen’s life.
Plus, “My teen wants nothing to do with me” is a made up story in your head. And, if you believe that story, you will find evidence proving that story to be true in your life. So stop it, and start believing a better story.
A better story, like, Your Teen Wants YOU to Connect with Them!
Your Teen Wants YOU to Connect with Them!
If you’ve been listening for a while, you’ve heard me say this before, “Your teen wants YOU to connect with them!” And, you know that I emphasize YOU.
It’s true. I promise you, your teen wants YOU to connect with them. Most parents make the mistake of trying to get their teen to connect with them as parents.
Stop it. You be the one to connect with your teen. Be willing to be the one that puts in the work. Work from the belief that your teen does WANT you to connect with them.
As you believe that your teen does indeed want you to connect with them, you will start to find evidence all around you proving that to be true.
That is a powerful place to parent from.
#1 Love Your Teen NO MATTER WHAT!
Seriously, this one should be a no brainer, right!?!
But it’s super hard.
Commit to loving your teen no matter what.
Tell them that you love them. Show them that you love them. Find ways to feel and express your love for your teen. Let go of attachments to desired outcomes that are holding you back. Find ways that you are withholding your love and affection, and stop holding back.
Go ALL IN on loving your teen.
You never know how long you’ll have access to your teen.
#2 Let Go of Their Model
This one is hard, but it’s one of the most powerful things that you can do.
Let go of your teen’s model. It’s not your job to make them think you’re a good mom. It’s not your job to make sure that they love you. It’s not your job to make sure that they behave. You can’t get their results for them.
All the energy you spend trying to manage their model is energy not being spent managing your own model.
When you let go of your teens model, this will improve YOUR relationship with your teen, as well as improving your TEEN’S relationship with you.
Let go.
Let your teen hate you. Let them think you’re the worst parent in the whole world. Let them misbehave. Let them deal with their own results and all the consequences that come with it.
#3 Be The Parent of Your Dreams
Now that you’ve let go of your teen’s model, you should have a lot more energy to manage your own model. Put this energy to good use. Start being the parent that you’ve always wanted to be. Be kinder. Be more consistent with your boundaries. Be more creative. Be more fun. Be that mom that you know you want to be.
One of the problems with trying to get your teen to like you is that it usually involves parenting out of alignment with your vision for yourself.
This will cause you not to be the parent of your dreams, and your teen won’t be able to truly know you because they know that false you.
If you want your teen to truly love you, you have to truly BE you.
BONUS #1 Know Your Teen’s Values
This is one of the things that I teach inside the membership, but it’s so important I had to share it with you here. Know your teen’s values. Know what their interested in. Understand what’s important to them, and embrace it.
When you know your teen’s values, you can start building values based relationships.
You can start connecting to them over things that they think are important. This is one of the most powerful things that you can do.
BONUS #2 Don’t Take it Personal and Let Go
Don’t take it personal if your teen hates you. That’s on them, not you. That’s a reflection of them, their mental and emotional state, and the reality that they’re creating. It’s not on you.
Let go of whether or not your teen loves you.
Just think how selfish this sounds, “I’m only going to be the parent of my dreams if you love me.”
Instead, listen to how powerful this is, “No matter what, I’m going to be the parent of my dreams!”
You have that power. Love your teen no matter what. Be the parent of your dreams, no matter what.
Let go of your attachment to desired outcomes. Let go of your expectations, and redirect that energy to being the parent of your dreams.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Stop wasting you energy on things outside of your control, and harness that energy on BEing the parent of your dreams.
Parenting From Fear
Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it’s a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.
Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he’d be behind bars and “ruin” his life.
This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen.
She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.
Parenting From Shame
It’s also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control
Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen.
If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it’s likely because you are worried about what others think about you.
Also, if you worry that you aren’t good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning
When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen.
Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed
When Theresa realized that she didn’t have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son’s behavior. Though she didn’t agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills.
Changing from The Inside Out
When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside.
When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen.
Theresa’s growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced.
When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.
Harness Your Energy
Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be.
When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can stop fear, anger, and anxiety in their tracks.
“I Feel Like I’m Losing Control!”
One of the things that I hear the most from parents is, . . .
. . . “I feel like I’m losing control!”
The next thing they tell me is, . . .
. . . “I don’t know what to do!”
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably experienced this before and felt completely out of control and lost as to what to do about it.
If you’re like most parents, this probably leads to fighting, arguing, and power struggling with your teen, and it’s NO FUN AT ALL!
One of the hardest things about raising a teenager is realizing that you can’t control what you used to control.
And to be honest, this is a hard transition for your teen too.
They’re realizing that YOU CAN’T control everything. They’re starting to learn that THEY are responsible for what they can control.
The problem is, if you’re like most parents, you’re trying to control things that are actually outside of your control.
The Problem Is You’re Trying To Control What You Can’t Control
Trying to control things outside of your control is one of the biggest mistakes parents make.
The biggest problem with this is that your focus is on things outside of your control, positioning you as the victim.
When you focus on things outside of your control, you lose focus of the things that you actually can control.
If you’ve ever said, . . . “I feel like I’m losing control!” . . .
. . . It’s because you are trying to control things that are outside of your control.
When you try to control things outside of your control you feel out of control and lost, which is why you’re probably thinking, “I don’t know what to do!”
One of my clients jokingly accused me of being a broken record. She said, “I know what you’re going to say . . . ‘You’re focused on things outside of your control’.”
She was 100% right. That’s exactly what I was going to say, and she was right about focusing on things outside of her control.
What You Can and Cannot Control
One of the most basic and yet powerful exercises that I have parents do is to create a T-Chart identifying what they Can and Cannot control.
Once you identify the things outside of your control, you can LET THEM GO!
Once you let go of things outside of your control, you can now re-focus that energy on things within your control.
Here are some examples of things you CANNOT control:
Your teenager,
Their thoughts, feelings, actions, and results,
Their choices with friends,
Their friends,
Their grades,
Their values,
Their beliefs,
Your spouse and how they parent,
What your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
Here are some examples of things you CAN control:
YOU,
Some of your thoughts and feelings,
Your actions and results
Your choices,
Your response to their choice of friends,
Your response to their grades,
Your values,
Your beliefs,
Your thoughts about your spouse and how they parent,
How you connect with your teen no matter what your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
When you can discern between what you CAN and CANNOT control you will have more power to let go of things outside of your control.
How To Regain Control
The only way to regain control is to let go of things outside of your control and control ONLY what is within your control.
This gives you back a sense of control because you let go of all the things that you cannot control.
This gives you a sense of control because you gain even more control over the things that you actually can control.
All of your energy previously spent on things outside of your control can now be redirected and spent on the things that you actually can control.
This is freaking POWERFUL!
How to Control Only What You Can Control!
Gain Awareness! What CAN you and what CAN’T you control?
Awareness ALWAYS comes first!
Start to understand what you can and cannot control.
Be aware of things outside of your control that you try to control.
This takes practice and time, but it’s totally worth it.
2. Practice letting go of what you CANNOT control!
This one hard, but once you get it’s a total GAME CHANGER!
Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
Just commit to practicing letting go every day.
It will become more and more natural.
You’ll start to find that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
You’ll start to TRUST that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
3. Give what you CAN control your energy and attention!
As you let go of the things outside of your control, you will find you have more energy and attention for the things you can control.
As you set your intention and practice this you will gain more power.
Look for new things to let go of.
Find new things within your control.
4. Trust that others are DOING THEIR BEST!
This go hand in hand with #2.
Trusting that others are doing their best will help you let go.
Trusting that everything will be okay will help you let go.
5. Trust that YOU are DOING YOUR BEST!
You don’t have to be perfect.
I’ve been studying and practicing this for years, and I still find myself holding onto things I can’t control.
I’m still gaining more and more awareness.
I’m still finding new things to let go of.
I’m still finding ways to control only what I can control.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we’re making it better than ever!
