If you asked parents, “Do you want a better relationship with your teen?”, probably close to 100% of them would answer, “YES!”
If you asked teens, “Do you want a better relationship with your parents?” probably close to 100% of them would answer, “I dunno!” 🤣😂🤣
But, from my experience ALL teens want a better relationship with their parents-yes, even yours.
“Your teen wants YOU to connect with them. Stop waiting around for them to connect with you.”
Ben Pugh
How do I know this, because when parents start fixing their relationship with their teens, their teens start doing better.
The problem is, most parents operate from the false belief that “My teen wants nothing to do with me!”
If you think your teen wants nothing to do with you, you’ll only see obstacles keeping you from the relationship you want. BUT, if you trust that your teen wants YOU to connect with them, you will start seeing all the opportunities for you to create the relationship you want.
Ben Pugh
Tip #1 Make it Fun
Okay, you know me. If it ain’t fun, I think it’s pretty much a waste of time. Okay, maybe not with everything, but adults have a serious problem with sucking the fun out of everything.
If you want a better relationship with your teen, make your relationship with them fun.
There are lots of different ways you can do this. First off, you could come to IMPACT Live and do fun activities with your teen, like river rafting, laser tag, team building challenges, and other things.
Bottom line is, one of the indicators that your relationship with your teen is healthy is if you enjoy being with your teen, and bonus if they enjoy being with you.
When I was a principal, the more fun we could make school the better. If school was fun the teachers enjoyed being there, the students enjoyed being their, and we got more done.
If your relationship with your teen is fun, you’ll enjoy your teen more and they’ll enjoy you more, and your relationship will grow.
Tip #2 Build a Values Based Relationship with Your Teen
This one’s a little deep and a little advanced. It’s something that I teach inside of the Impact Parenting Course and inside the membership.
If you want a healthy relationship with your teen, find ways to connect with them on their values.
“When you start building values based relationships, you’ll better know and understand your teen exactly as they are, and this will help you truly value your teen for who they are.”
Ben Pugh
Building values based relationships comes easy to little kids. I remember my oldest, back when he was only 2 or 3, sitting on my lap, watching football with me, yelling for the same team that I was. Later he started coming to football practice with me, as like a 4 or 5 year old. Just to watch and to hangout with dad.
I promise you, he didn’t care about football. He cared about me and identified football as a value that he could connect with me over.
If you want a healthy and happy relationship with your teen, practice building values based relationships. This will open up lots of doors, like values based teaching, values based consequences, and other components of values. You can learn all about values inside the membership.
Tip #3 Don’t Take Things Personally
This one is huge.
I remember learning this as a foster parent, then again as a dad to my teens.
Once as a foster dad, we had a foster teen make some pretty serious accusations against us. Not only were the allegations not true, but they were a personal attack against us to try to get returned home without having to work the program from our foster organization.
The thing was, the accusations came from a foster teen who we thought we had really connected with. We thought we had a pretty decent relationship with them.
I remember Deb and I talking and wondering where we had gone wrong. How we had hurt this teen so badly that they were willing to lie about us.
At the end of the day, it was nothing personal. It was just this teen trying to get what they wanted, no matter the cost.
The same is true for your teen. They’re trying to do what they can to get what they want in life. They’re behavior is not a reflection of you.
If you take things personally, you set yourself up to be hurt and disappointed.
Instead, I like to think, “They’re doing their best.” Or, “What skills are they lacking, and how can I help them develop those skills?”
If you can shift your mindset from the victim to the hero mindset, you’ll find that you don’t take as many things as personal.
Tip #4 Be the Parent of Your Dreams
I know I say this all the time, but if you want a better, more healthy and happy, relationship with your teen, BE YOU, and the best version of you.
Think about it, if you want your teen to connect with you, you have to actually be you. If you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, your teen will never truly get to know you.
If you want a healthier relationship with your teen, be the healthiest version of you.
If you want a happier relationship with your teen, be the happiest version of you.
Tip #5 Get Out of Your Comfort Zones Together
This might be one of the most under utilized parenting hacks ever, and it makes sense, because if you and your teen are like most human beings, you’ve actually been designed to seek comfort, so there are probably lots of opportunities that you’re missing.
Also, there is power in a parent and teen who are willing to struggle together, work together, and be vulnerable together. Some of the most tender and impactful moments I’ve ever experienced with my teens were in times when neither of us were comfortable, whether it’s a midnight “Dad, can I talk to you” or if it’s a moment when we’re both doing something that’s pushing us to grow.
This is one of the reasons I’m hosting my summer event,IMPACT Live. This event will help both you and your teen get out of your comfort zones. One of the reasons this makes for a more health and happy relationship is because of the happiness and pleasure that comes from accomplishing something outside of your comfort zone.
Imagine the opportunities for connection while you and your teen are floating down a river, trying to safely navigate some exciting rapids. Or, what about working together to complete a challenge that takes focus, effort, and team work? It’s little moments like this, while you’re both vulnerable, safe, and out of your comfort zones that you will develop a deeper and healthier relationship with your teen.
Recently on a coaching call with one of the moms inside of IMPACT, a mom told me about how uncomfortable it was to question her old parenting ways and start parenting in a completely new way. She talked about how awkward, and even imperfect her efforts were, and yet how much better her relationship has been with her son.
I’m telling you, if you want a healthier and happier relationship with your teen, find ways to get both of you out of your comfort zones in a way that’s fun, exciting, and safe.
And, if you want all the planning done for you, and you want the help of me and other parents just like you, come join us at IMPACT Live!
Bonus Tip Empowering Conversations
Lately on a, “Empower the Teens” kick.
If you want a bonus tip for building a healthy and happy relationship with your teen, have empowering conversations.
Now, these aren’t simply just talking to your teen. Yes, talking to your teen is a good way to empower them, but there’s a little more to it than that.
Here are some simple guidelines you can follow to have empowering conversations with your teen:
Listen.
Seriously, this one is obvious, right? But, if you’re anything like me, and tons of other parents, you know how hard it can be to actually shut your mouth and turn on your ears and listen.
This is a powerful place to start. Don’t underestimate the empowering nature of simply listening.
Ask empowering questions.
This one is not so obvious, but it’s equally important as listening.
One of the mistakes that could keep you from having empowering conversations is doing too much telling and too little asking.
Empowering questions can be as simple as:
What do you think?
What’s a benefit/disadvantage to this?
What do you think would be fair . . . ?
Create collaborative/creative conversations.
One of my favorite forms of empowering conversations with my teens is planning a fun family activity.
Find ways to create these conversations with your teen so they get the opportunity to practice having an opinion, voicing their opinion, and taking their opinion to the next step.
Sometimes, if my teen hate school or a class or something, I might start a collaborative/creative conversation by simply asking, “If you hate this class so much, what other options can you think of?”
Let them have an opinion, voice their opinion, and act on their opinion.
Practice, practice, practice.
In the beginning, find ways to practice several times a week.
Soon, empowering conversations will become second nature.
Trust your teen
One of the things that makes empowering conversations work is trusting your teen.
Too many parents pretend to have these conversations, but they aren’t willing to let go of their power to empower their teen.
Let your teen have opinions that you disagree with. Let them make mistakes so they can learn from themselves.
Want to Create a Healthier and Happier Relationship with your Teen at IMPACT Live?
Step 1 – Go get your tickets.
Step 2 – Go highlight June 20-22 on your calendar.
Step 3- Come have the time of your life connecting with your teen!
Okay. Lately, I’m getting good at saying things that people completely disagree with, like screen time isn’t bad.
And, I think in today’s world, I have a bad habit of fighting one extreme with another extreme.
So today, I’m going to try to be more intentionally neutral, and I’m going to share 5 Things We’re Getting WRONG About Teen Screen Time and next week I’ll share 5 Things We’re Getting RIGHT About Teen Screen Time.
Isn’t Screen Time Bad?
First off, I feel like a lot of parents have just adopted the narrative that “Screen Time for Teens is BAD”, without really questioning that belief.
On top of that, most parents seem to think screen time is bad for teens and children, and I think most would admit that they think it is bad for adults too, yet parents are increasingly guilty of spending more and more time on their screens.
Parents have told me that they believe screen time rots their teens brains. Just the other day, I saw an ad on Facebook of an egg being fried, similar to the “This is your brain on drugs” campaign, but it said, “This is what screen time is doing to your teen’s brain.”
When parents think about screen time, they automatically think of it with a negative bias.
So I want to ask you, and please try to answer before you have time to think about it. Just, out loud, say the first thing that comes to your mind when I ask you, . . .
. . . Is screen time bad?
If you’re like most parents, you probably just answered, “Yes”.
Well, the truth is, screen time isn’t good or bad. It’s what you and your teen make of it. It’s neutral.
It can be, and has been, used for really amazing good purposes. It also can be, and has been, used for really disturbingly bad purposes.
Now answer these questions, . . .
. . . Is screen time a VILLAIN in your life?
And, if YES, Who’s the victim in that story?
What I Think We’re Getting Wrong
Aside from hopefully empowering you to see screen time as neutral, and at YOUR mercy, instead of seeing it as the villain, and you being at its mercy, I also want to show you some of the things that I believe most parents get wrong when it comes to screen time.
It’s not my goal to tell you how to think. So, please feel free to disagree. I’m sharing my thoughts and opinions to hopefully help you to form your own thoughts and opinions.
#1 Complete Elimination
One of the things I think we’re doing wrong as parents, and I’ll be honest with you, I’ve fallen into this trap, and I still fall into this trap from time to time is Complete Elimination.
Once, several years ago, we had some friends that completely took screens and electronics away from their teens. They talked about how much it improved every aspect of their home. Their teens were better behaved, more obedient, and their home was a little slice of heaving after ditching electronics.
Sounds great, right?
Wrong. We tried it in our home and it was miserable.
My teens hated it, my little kids hated it, and my wife and I hated it, plus we felt super guilty when we would indulge in screen time.
If you’re like I used to be, or like tons of parents, you might be tempted to completely take away your teen’s screen time. A lot of parents want to do this because of their teen’s lack of balance when it comes to screens.
The problem is, you’re fighting the problem, “Being out of balance” with the exact same problem of no balance.
I’m not saying that complete elimination is never and option. I’m just saying it shouldn’t be the only option or the go-to option
#2 The Go-To Punishment
Again, this is a trap that I’ve fallen into and that I still fall into from time to time to time.
Using your teen’s screen time for punishment can be a problem because it uses one of their values against them, which might lead to them over valuing their screen time.
Plus, focusing only on punishment means that you’re missing the opposite side of that equation, rewards.
I would also caution against using screen time as the go-to reward either. Again, it could lead to your teen over-valuing screen time.
Instead, I would recommend that you use screen time as an opportunity to have a conversation with your teen about proper expectations, boundaries, and consequences (both +/-) when it comes to screen time.
#3 The Data is Fear Based
Okay, this one might be a little unpopular. That’s okay. Take it or leave it.
The data is new, biased, and skewed towards a fearful narrative. We only really hear about the negative impact of screen time.
When I was a principal, I went to a suicide prevention conference. Most of the presentations had scary statistics talking about the correlation between teen suicide and screen time and social media. It was alarming. I then when to a breakout session with an expert on data and analytics. He went off script and started telling us that statistically speaking, most kids are perfectly fine with lots of screen time in their lives, and that the numbers suggesting that teens should have less than 1-2 hours of screen time are actually based on a small minority of teens who had a correlation with screen time and suicide.
Anyway, rather than relying on data that is out of touch, and I’m sorry to say it, fear driven, look at data from your own home.
I can see a change in my teens’, and my younger kids’, behaviors when they have too much screen time, especially when it’s too late or too early. Rather than making my decisions when it comes to screen time based on scary data spouted off on some random podcast, (I know, I’m a random podcast too), I want to make decisions based on our unique needs.
#4 Disempowering Your Teen
Okay, by now we all know that I’m on a Teen Empowerment kick.
One of the things that I believe parents are getting wrong when it comes to screen time is disempowering their teens.
This might look like, taking their screen time away without even discussing it or giving them a chance to come up with solutions.
It might look like you dictating how they use their screen time without having a voice. Maybe it looks like shielding them from experiencing consequences of poor choices. It might look like not giving them opportunities to learn in the safety of your own home how to come up with a balance that works for them when it comes to screen time.
Here’s an example of how I try to empower my teens when it comes to screen time.
I usually let my teens sleep with their phones. I know that is a huge “NO NO” for some parents, but it works for us. Rather than controlling and limiting their screen time, we’ve set up expectations and consequences around completing real life things. Both of my teens get up early and go to sports things like weights, early morning basketball, practice, etc. I give them the responsibility of being off of their phones at night so they can get enough sleep to be able to get up in the morning.
My teens have had to suffer the consequences of sleeping in and missing practice because they were up to late on a screen and were tired. Letting them suffer the consequence is empowering to them.
#5 Villainizing Screens and Victimizing Teens
I’ve seen this a lot with parents and teens. The parent villainizes screen time, paints screens as a big scary monster, and positions the teen as the victim.
This is disempowering to your teen, and it perpetuates the victim mindset.
Screens are not the villain. They are not out to ruin, or addict, your teen. Screens are here to serve a purpose.
Rather than being at the mercy of their screens, we need to teach our teens how to be the masters of their screens. How to make their screens work for them instead of teaching our teens to work for their screens.
BONUS Unintentional Herd Mentality
Most humans like to think like the herd. The problem is, this makes it really hard to think for yourself.
Don’t simply adopt your neighbor’s screen time policy. Don’t simply make a knee jerk reaction based on scary statistics.
Instead, learn to evaluate and think for yourself.
Develop your own opinion, even if it’s different from mine.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
And any question that I’m presented with when it comes to teen, I look at it through the lens of, “How can I empower the teen?”
Any parenting issue that I’m faced with in my own home, I look through the lens of, “How can I empower my teen?”
The strangest thing is, this totally makes my job easier as a parent because I’m putting my teen’s burdens on their own shoulders.
Also, the last 3 podcast episodes have been about school, teens disliking school, and empowering your teen is a pretty good solution to the problem of your teen hating school.
If you haven’t listed to my recent podcasts about school, check them out here:
Make sure you check out those powerful episodes, and . . .
. . . If you want to join me in this cause of Empowering Teens, here are 6 simple steps that you can take today to empower your teen.
#1 Help Your Teen Find Mentors
I believe that this might be the most important of the 6 simple steps. I also acknowledge that I am totally biased, and I am a coach, I mentor teens, and my life has greatly been impacted by my mentors, especially the ones who put up with me as a teen.
So, as you listen, just realize that I’m biased, and you might need to determine your own views on this.
But, here are a few things that I see when it comes to mentors.
“I’ve said that for years!”
I work with a handful of teens AND their parents. I can’t tell you how many times a parent tells me, “My teen just told me about something that you taught them; BUT, I’ve been teaching them that for years!”
Teens are more willing to listen and learn from a mentor who’s not also their parent.
Don’t go it alone.
In school we’re taught to work alone, and don’t cheat, and no talking.
The problem is, too many teens are trying to do it all alone. When you get your teen a mentor, they stop feeling alone.
Mentors can be FREE.
Obviously I charge for my coaching services, but there are also free options out there.
Church leaders, sports coaches, a favorite teacher.
Mentors have a HUGE impact
One of my favorite questions to ask my students towards the end of their senior year was, “Who’s had the most impact on your life?”
Yes, often the answer was one of their parents or grandparents, but most often it was a favorite teacher or coach. When I asked why they had such an impact, it always boiled down to how much they cared and listened.
#2 Have Empowering Conversations
One of the most empowering things that you can do for your teen is to give them a voice and help them process their thoughts through conversation.
This is why I’m such a proponent of having empowering conversations with your teen. Treat them like an adult, who can think and problem solve, and they will start to act like an adult who can think and problem solve.
If you want to have empowering conversations, you’ll need to listen to your teen. A lot of parents struggle with this. I’ve heard that because you have 2 hears, and only one mouth, you should listen twice as much as you speak.
If you want to have empowering conversations with your teen, here are some great questions you could ask.
A- What are the disadvantages of ______?
B- What are the benefits of _______?
C- What might be an alternative ________?
D- What might be an unseen cost ________?
E- What might be an unseen advantage ________?
Bottom line is, teens are way more capable that we give them credit for.
Help them activate their capability and their creativity by empowering them through conversations.
This is a powerful part of letting your teen Find Solutions
STOP fixing your teen’s problems for them.
We’ve created a bad habit of adults taking care of teens and doing all the work for them. The problem is, this is disempowering to teens.
Instead of figuring out an alternative for your teen, but that task on their shoulders. Let them be responsible for their education and choices.
#3 Don’t Accept “I Don’t Know”
One of my famous sayings as a principal was, “‘I don’t know’ just means ‘I’m to lazy to think about this right now.'”
Anytime my students would catch me saying, “I don’t know,” they’d jump at the opportunity to call me out with my own saying.
The truth is, when your teen says “I don’t know,” and this is true for you as their parent too, they turn their brain off. They accept “I don’t know” as the final answer.
Instead, I like to set ground rules when I ask a question, like:
“I’m going to ask you a question, and ‘I don’t know’, or ‘IDK’ or any form of ‘I don’t know’, is not allowed.”
Sometimes I’ll follow an “I don’t know” with a, “Let’s pretend you do know,” or “What if you did know?”
“I don’t know” has become a habit for most teens, and you might be guilty of this habit too.
If you want to empower your teen, don’t accept I don’t know as an answer.
#4 Trust Your Teen
Some of my least favorite phrases from parents on trust are:
I don’t trust my teen
My teen lost my trust
They won’t let me trust them
My teen has to earn my trust
The problem is, this puts you at the mercy of your teen. Whether you trust them or not is dependent upon them, not you. This is disempowering to you and to your teen.
I know this can be unpopular, but . . .
. . . Trust your teen.
Unfortunately, most teens are taught not to trust themselves and to look to the adults for the answers.
If you trust your teen, they will start trusting themselves.
When your teen learns to trust themselves, they will have access to their own wisdom. They will get better at trusting themselves and fixing their own problems.
#5 Let Them Own Their Results
I know it’s hard, and I know it’s scary, but it’s VITALLY IMPORTANT!
Sometimes you’ve got to get out of the way and let your teen fail.
This might be letting them fail at school. This might be letting them try something that YOU know won’t work, just so they can fail and find out for themselves.
If you want to empower your teen, help them understand that they own their results.
They are responsible for their results, and parents who try to keep teens from owning their results, aka getting them out of trouble, pulling strings, bullying teachers and coaches, are actually disempowering their teen.
#6 Let Them Set the Expectations
Recently we had a “tough” parenting moment in our home with one of our teens. Fortunately, this is what I practice for everyday, so I feel like we handled it really well.
One of the things that really helped was when I asked my teen, “What do you think the expectation should be?”
The next thing I asked was, “What do you think would be a fair way for this to be handled?”
This was a ugly situation, that could have really sucked, but I was able to stay calm, and my whole focus was on, “How can I empower my teen?”
In the end, he set the expectation for his behavior.
He set the expectation for the consequences following his actions.
I looked at what he proposed, offered one or two suggestions, he countered with another proposal, and we settled on an expectation and consequences that he came up with.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Listen to How to Help my Teen Who Hates School Part 1
If you haven’t yet listened to Part 1, go listen HERE!
In part one I talked about understanding current school myths, like:
Myth #1 Your Teen NEEDS to be Successful at School to Succeed in Life
Myth # 2 Your Teen Needs to Go to College
Myth #3 If Your Teen Struggles in School, There’s Something Wrong with Them
Myth #4 School is the One and Only Answer for EVERYONE
Myth #5 School is Preparing Kids for the Future
It’s Time to Empower Your Teen
If your teen hates school, it’s time to empower them.
Often times teens simply blame school, their teachers, or even their friends and this is disempowering.
Sometimes they make excuses like, “it’s boring” or “it’s pointless”.
Bottom line is, if your teen’s blaming or making excuses, they’re in the victim mentality, and one of the best ways to get teens out of the victim mentality is to empower them.
The problem is, we often just tell teens that, “School is what it is, and you can’t change it, so just deal with it.”
This is disempowering.
I want to share the message that, if you have a problem with something, you have a responsibility to do your part to try to fix it.
Maybe your teen could talk to their teacher and tell them, “Hey, I’ve noticed that I learn better when I get to interact with others.” Or “I really enjoy your class when it’s more interactive.”
Bottom line is, one of the reasons the teens hate school is because they feel powerless about it.
Have Empowering Conversations
One of the most empowering things that you can do for your teen is to give them a voice and help them process their thoughts through conversation.
This is why I’m such a proponent of having empowering conversations with your teen. Treat them like an adult, who can think and problem solve, and they will start to act like an adult who can think and problem solve.
If you want to have empowering conversations, you’ll need to listen to your teen. A lot of parents struggle with this. I’ve heard that because you have 2 hears, and only one mouth, you should listen twice as much as you speak.
If you want to have empowering conversations with your teen about school, here are some great questions you could ask.
What are the disadvantages of school?
What are the benefits of school?
What might be an alternative that you could do, rather than school?
What might be an unseen cost of this?
What might be an unseen advantage of this?
Bottom line is, teens are way more capable that we give them credit for.
Help them activate their capability and their creativity by empowering them through conversations.
There ARE Alternatives when it Comes to Education
This might come as a shock to some people, but there ARE alternatives to school.
Your teen could go get a job. They could travel the world, with you probably, they could focus more on trade schools than traditional schools. They could sit at home and play video games.
Bottom line is, there are lots of alternatives when it comes to education.
I personally feel that teens benefit and learn more from being out in the real world, working, playing, traveling, and/or providing service.
Put the Burdon on Your Teen’s Shoulders
We’ve created a bad habit of adults taking care of teens and doing all the work. The problem is, this is disempowering to teens.
Instead of figuring out an alternative for your teen, but that task on their shoulders. Let them be responsible for their education and choices.
When my kids tell me that they hate school, one of my favorite answers is, “If you present me with a better alternative to school, I’m all ears.” Another favorite response is, “What’s something productive that you could be doing instead of school?” I also like to ask, “If you didn’t have school, what would you be willing to do with your time?”
It’s okay if your teen doesn’t have any ideas when it comes to coming up with a better alternative to school. If they can’t come up with any alternatives, they can keep going to school.
Trust Your Teen
Trust your teen. They are the key. They know what they need. They know what they love. They know what interests them the best. They know what they are passionate about.
Unfortunately, most teens are taught not to trust themselves and to look to the adults for the answers.
If you trust your teen, they will start trusting themselves.
When you teen learns to trust themselves, they will have access to their own wisdom. They will get better at trusting themselves and fixing their own problems.
Let Them Fail
I know it’s hard, and I know it’s scary, but it’s VITALLY IMPORTANT!
Sometimes you’ve got to get out of the way and let your teen fail.
This might be letting them fail at school. This might be letting them try something that YOU know won’t work, just so they can fail and find out for themselves.
Let Them Try New Things
One of the problems that teens have is that they don’t know what they want to do. They don’t always know what they like and don’t like because they haven’t been allowed to try new things. I have a client who desperately wanted to learn how to play the guitar. But, after years of guitar lessons, and even thought they are pretty good, they decided that they didn’t want to pursue the guitar anymore. They would have never learned that if they hadn’t been allowed to try it out.
I have another client who wanted to fix and flip dirt bikes and create a YouTube channel around that. After a few months, they found out that wasn’t what they wanted to do and moved on.
It’s okay. They don’t have to knock it out of the park on their first attempt.
Let them learn from their own experience.
Let them engage in some good old fashion trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
This is actually one of the questions I get asked the most often . . .
. . . “My teen hates school. What do I do?”
If your teen hates school, you’re not alone, and neither is your teen. Most of the teens that I talk to tolerate school at best. Quite a few teens HATE school, and I don’t think I know a single teen that LOVES school.
This is a problem.
Especially because school is supposed to be preparing you for the workplace, a career, and your future.
Well, if you are developing the habit of hating school, or at least tolerating it, what do you think your habit will be after school?
Look no further than yourself, your spouse, or your friends and family. Do they love their jobs? Do they tolerate their jobs? Or, do they HATE their jobs like the majority of adults.
This is sad, and it’s a shame. We live in a time when you could do anything, be anything, and most people feel stuck in their job and wish the could do something more exciting, fun, and/or fulfilling.
Can you blame your teen for feeling the same way?
I Have Experience in This Area
When I was a teen I HATED school.
If it weren’t for football, I probably would have dropped out.
Not only did I hate school as a student, but I often hated it as an adult, and I was disappointed in myself for not making school more fun like I always promised that I would.
Fortunately, as a high school principal, I adopted the mantra, “Party with a Purpose”.
You see, I wanted to make school more fun, for me, for my students, and for my staff.
But, you’d be surprised how much resistance I got around this. Teachers, and leaders at the state level, would tell me, “School’s not supposed to be fun.” Or, “Kids can’t learn and have fun at the same time.” One teacher even told me, “These kids are going to leave school and get a job they hate, they might as well get used to it now.”
Seriously, this is sad.
But, here’s a secret that I learned. On our controversial “fun” days, our attendance went up and our behavior issues went down. Eventually, we found that the more fun we made school, the better our students did.
Empower Your Teen by Understanding These School Myths
One of my biggest problems with the way we handle teens who hate school is that we usually blame the teen without ever seeking to understand our teen or ever trying to validate their feelings and perspective.
If you or your school leaders are blaming your teen for hating school, this is disempowering you and your teen.
If you want to help and support your teen that hates school, find ways to empower them.
Nobody seems to really know how to do this because we are stuck believing old myths and lies.
When you believe the following myths, they are your reality. If you want to help your teen who hates school, question these old myths about school.
Myth #1 Your Teen NEEDS to be Successful at School to Succeed in Life
I’m probably going to get some angry emails about this next sentence, but that’s alright–it needs to be said. . .
. . . Your teen doesn’t need to be successful at school to succeed in life!
I graduated with something like a 2.0. Just enough to play sports. I know several people who have dropped out of school and they are perfectly successful. I have clients who have dropped out of school, withdrawn from school, and been kicked out of school who have all gone on to be very successful.
Of course teachers and administrators are going to tell you that you have to succeed at school. That’s their reality. Most of them believe that their success is do to their success in school.
Just because that was true for them, or maybe even you, doesn’t mean that that’s true for your teen.
I promise you, your teen doesn’t need to be successful at school to succeed in life!
Myth # 2 Your Teen Needs to Go to College
I don’t know exactly when or why this happened, but somewhere in the last several years, high school has began pushing college as the only “right” next step after high school. I’m sorry, but this is not true.
Again, I’m going to say something controversial.
College is not the answer for everyone. In fact, I actually believe that it’s less than half of people who actually need to go on to college to be successful.
A lot of our teens want to go to college, simply because they believe that’s the only option if they want to be successful.
There are so many options besides college. Let’s help our teens see the reality that there are indeed options and choices.
Myth #3 If Your Teen Struggles in School, There’s Something Wrong with Them
I’m sorry if this is sounding like a rant, but I remember struggling in school and being told that there was something “wrong” with me. I remember being told that I was “lazy” or that I had something wrong with my brain called ADD and ADHD. I was diagnosed with Dyslexia and told that my brain didn’t work “right”.
Let’s stop victimizing and villainizing our teens for struggling in school or hating school.
I could go way deeper in this, and I promise I will later, but for now, let’s just say that if you are blaming your teen for hating school or struggling with school, YOU are in the victim mindset. If your school leader are blaming your teen, THEY are in the victim mentality. If you and your school leaders are in the victim mentality, it’s very likely that your teen will also be in the victim mentality.
Instead of blaming your teen empower them by validating how they feel about school and by helping them take responsibility for coming up with solutions that work for them.
Myth #4 School is the One and Only Answer for EVERYONE
Let’s stop pretending that school works for everyone. School, for the most part, tries to educate everyone the same, or as close to the same as possible.
School, as it is for the most part today, does not work for everyone, period!
It’s silly that in today’s world, with so many recourses at our finger tips, that we refuse differentiate education based on individual’s needs.
School does not work everyone. School does not prepare students for what they individually need.
Myth #5 School is Preparing Kids for the Future
I’m sorry, but I’ve got to call it as I see it.
School is NOT preparing kids for the future.
Remember the thing our teachers used to tell us, “You won’t always have a calculator in your pocket”?
Look at us know! We have full blown computers in our pockets.
Why are schools banning the use of AI. Why are we not teaching our students how to use AI to improve their work?
Why are we not teaching them how to harness the power of YouTube?
School is trying to educate kids for the 1960’s or 70’s.
One of the things that I hear the most from teens is, “What’s the point in school? It’s a waste of time.”
Our teens aren’t dumb. They can see that what their being presented with as the answer to creating success in life is a lie. This is why they are overwhelmed, under motivated, and bored out of their minds.
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This first video blew my mind when I watched it as a college student, learning how to be a teacher. As a principal, I had my staff watch it and we came up with ways to make school more fun and less boring so our students could experience more aesthetic experiences.
I just found this video the other day, and I really liked it, so here you go!
