This will be the last podcast episode of 2024. As I’ve thought about the New Year, and this past year, I’ve been exploring my life, where I am, where I’m going, what values are driving me, and what changes I’d like to make in my life, and I came to the realization that I’m holding myself back.
I have goals and dreams when it comes to my physical health, my business, my family, and this morning as I woke up and explored my life, I was able to see specific areas of my life where I’m holding myself back.
If you’re like me, you’re probably holding yourself back in areas of your life too.
Now, here’s the crazy thing about your life, your dreams, and your goals. They’re all connected. For example, I have goals of being physically fit and returning to the athleticism that I enjoyed in my twenties. I also have the dream of having an extremely successful coaching practice where I have other coaches working with me and I help hundreds of thousands of parents and teens.
Now, those two things, my physical health and my life coaching business, may seem unconnected, but the truth is that they are extremely connected. They’re connected by ME, and by me BEing the Me of My Dreams.
Lately, I’ve been feeling the pull to start BEing the man I want to be when it comes to my physical health. I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to impact the dreams that I have for my business, but I know that holding myself back in the realm of my health, is also holding me back in my business.
So, this starting now, and in the New Year, my focus is on setting myself free and BEing the Me of My Dreams!
Stop Blaming and/or Making Excuses
This morning as I was waking up, I had a dream that I was reffing a little league football game. The dream was similar to a real life experience I had this summer, and I feel that I’m meant to share it with you.
This summer, while reffing, one game in particular, the coaches kept blaming the refs, me and another ref, for bad calls or no calls. I tried to explain to the coach exactly what I was looking for and why I wasn’t making the call he was looking for.
Rather than coach up his players and help them be better, he kept blaming “the bad refs”. The more he blamed the refs, the more his players started blaming the refs. Then, the parents started blaming the refs.
Then after the game, I overheard his post game speech, in which he told his players that the loss wasn’t on them, it was on the poor officiating.
The problem with blaming and making excuses is it takes all responsibility from the person doing the blaming and making excuses.
Rather than embracing the opportunity to coach up his players, and help them get better, he told his players, you have no responsibility here. You’re just a victim at the mercy of the refs.
If you want to reach your goals and dreams, catch yourself blaming, making excuses, complaining, or even criticizing. See it for what it is. It’s disempowering. It’s you focusing on someone or something outside of your control. And, it’s holding you back!
BE The Change You Want to See!
If you’re anything like me and the other parents that I work with and that listen to this podcast, there are things in your life that you’d like to change.
Also if you’re like me and other parents here, you’re probably guilty of seeing the changes you’d like to make in your teen.
I want to invite you to BE The Change You Want to See!
I know it sounds simple. I know it sounds like it won’t actually change anything, but I promise you it will change EVERYTHING!
If you feel pulled to improve your health, but you think, “That’s not going to change my relationship with my teen,” or “That’s not going to change my financial situation,” I invite you to trust the pull. Trust your inner wisdom. Take control of the little things that you can control and then wait and see how they impact things outside of your control.
I’ve worked with countless parents who wanted me to somehow change their teens. But, when they took it upon themselves to BE The Change, they were amazed at how much their teen then changed.
Human beings love to overcomplicate things, and if you’re like most human beings, you probably fall into this trap sometimes.
For example, a lot of parents focus on their teen’s grades, and they create elaborate rewards and punishments meant to incentivize their teen to improve their grades.
If you look at work culture, there are tons of complicated, stupid/common sense rules. In my experience it’s way more simple to just hire good people who are there to do their best and who don’t need stupid rules to tell them what to do and what not to do. In stead, we want to have 100 page employment manuals.
If you catch yourself implementing stupid rules, meant to control your teen, you’re over complicating parenting and you’re over complicating your teen.
Fortunately, there’s a better way!
3 Simple Problems
I wish I’d have learned this way earlier. This would have helped me be a better parent, principal, life coach, football coach, and mentor much earlier.
Now that I know this, I feel like I am so much more equipped to help others grow and improve.
For you, as a parent of a teenager, this will help you know better how to support your teen in their growth and their development.
Though this is super simple, it does come with a warning.
Just because you see this and know this, doesn’t mean that you have the power to change, fix, or control your teen.
You can help them IF THEY WANT YOUR HELP.
So, don’t try to force this on your teen. Simply see it and lean into your own inner wisdom and explore how to help them.
So, what are the 3 simple problems?
MINDSET
SKILLSET
HABITS
#1 Mindset
Right now in the coaching and therapy world, mindset is huge, which is a good thing, because it was neglected and ignored for way to long.
But, sometimes people focus too much on mindset and don’t balance the need to address skillset and habits.
Mindset problems are tied to your thoughts and your mind (obviously).
A lot of people have no clue how their thoughts impact their feelings and their actions.
A lot of the mindsets that you have as a parent, you picked up from your parents who had those same mindsets.
When you can gain awareness around your mindset, how you think and what you think, you will then gain the power to choose how and what you think. With this power to choose, your choices will program your mind overtime to think through a new lens.
One of the awesome things about shifting your mindset is that in some areas, you can make a radical shift really quickly, though in other areas it might take years.
In my early coaching days, I have to admit that I over valued mindset, and focused more on that than anything. Now I believe I’m much more balanced.
Before my coaching days, I probably mostly ignored mindset. So, I’m glad it’s getting more attention now.
With practice, you can reprogram your mindset.
Teen and Parent Mindset Problems
Here are some examples of mindset problems in parents and teens.
A lot of teens who struggle with self-image, have a mindset problem.
For example, they compare themselves to others. This is a mindset.
A lot of parents of teens struggle accepting their teen and connecting with them. Often this is a mindset problem because they’re comparing their teen to what they think their teen should be.
A lot of parents and teens who struggle with depression, anxiety, and overwhelm are simply struggling from a mindset problem, that with a little work, they could completely change and improve.
As a football coach, I see mindset problems all the time when my players think things like, “I can’t do that,” or “Coach hates me,” or “I’m the best player ever, and coach doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
When I can identify mindset problems, I can help address them in my players and in my teens.
#2 Skillset
Skillset and habits are what most people have focused on in the past, and they’re super important, but all the skill development in the world will never make up for a poor mindset.
So, keep in mind, there needs to be a balance between the three, and often there will be overlap with the three.
A lot of the teens that I work with have some mindset problems. Sometimes we can address those in just 1 week. But, they continue to struggle because they don’t have the skills required to thrive.
Let’s take basketball for example. You can have the proper mindset to execute a layup, but without the skill, you’ll still struggle.
Just like with mindset, and habits really, you can reprogram your skillset. It takes practice and repetition.
In sports, I feel like this is easy to see. There are players with the right mindset, but they don’t have the skills to back it up. They might get into a game, thinking, “I’ve got this. I can do this,” only to find out that they are lacking the skills to actually do the task.
Teen and Parent Skillset Problems
Here’s how I see this in parents and teens.
When I work with parents, they can usually change their mindset in the very first coaching call. With the new mindset, they totally want to parent differently and better, but in the heat of the moment, they often lack the skill of parenting differently. Sometimes this can take a few weeks. But, with intentional practice using the wheel of life, they’re able to relatively quickly build new skills.
Teens are the same way. I have a teen client who completely changed her mindset around school, grades, homework, and procrastination, but it took her a few months to revamp her skills when it came to better managing school.
#3 Habit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Habits get a bad rap. People talk about BAD habits more than they talk about GOOD habits. You’ve probably focused more on BREAKING bad habits than you have focused on BUILDING good habits.
The truth is, habits aren’t good or bad. They’re neutral, and they work in the background of your subconscious mind.
The secret is, your habits will work for you or against you, depending on what you program into your BEing.
There is some overlap with habits, skillset, and mindset, but habits are their own unique point to this triangle.
I know people who have a great mindset, they’ve developed some powerful skills, but they keep getting pulled back into their old habits.
I fall into this trap, especially when it comes to my weight and health. I’ll work on the mental game and greatly improve my mindset around food, exercise, and my health. I’ll develop the skill of exercising and improve my technique when I lift. I’ll even learn the skill of fixing healthy food, but in the moment, I’ll fall back into old habits either without thinking or simply because I want the pleasure that comes with the old habit.
The truth is, just like mindset and skillset, habits need to be trained and reprogrammed.
Teen and Parent Habit Problems
When it comes to habits that are hurting parents and teens, one of the biggest ones that I see is constantly allowing yourself to be distracted by your phone. This is a habit that is wreaking havoc on parent/teen relationships. And, it’s BOTH parents AND teens.
If you’re like many of the parents who are often distracted by your phone and/or social media, you’re missing opportunities for connection. If your teen is like a lot of teens, and they’re distracted by their phone, social media, and video games, they’re also missing opportunities.
Now, you CAN’T change your teen, but you can BE The Change you want to see with your teen. YOU CAN build new habits and lead the way by modeling the habits you want to see.
Another habit that I often see is BEing critical. I see this in parents towards both themselves and their teen, and others. I also see this in teens, towards themselves, their parents, and others.
The habit of being critical will rob you of happiness, gratitude, and connection.
This is a habit that starts with you. I can’t tell you how many times a mom has told me that after managing her self-talk and her inner-criticism, that she completely stopped criticizing others.
Putting It All Together
Awareness is a powerful force. If you’re like me, and the parents I work with, you’re probably tired of going through life and your parenting distracted and unaware.
Take the time to gain some awareness around the problems that you and your teen are facing. Become aware of whether your problems are related to Mindset, Skillset, or Habits, or a combination of the 3.
With this awareness, you can now simply solve for the problem at hand.
Got a mindset problem? Address the mindset. Question your thoughts and beliefs. Choose new thoughts and beliefs. Let it be simple.
Got a skillset problem? Take time to learn new skills. Get good at teaching new skills to your teen. Let it be simple.
Got a habit problem? Understand the habit. See how it used to serve you, but how it’s now hurting you. Then, take your energy from the old habit and redirect it to building a new habit.
I promise. This is easier than is sounds. Let it be easy and let this help you BE The Parent of Your Dreams!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’re like most parents, you probably want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life.
If you don’t want to have a positive impact in your teen’s life, you’re listening to the wrong podcast.
If you’re wanting to change your teen, control your teen, or fix your teen, you’re probably not having the impact that you’d like to have on your teen, because those ways of parenting will have a negative impact on your teen.
So, I wanted to share with you the 7 most powerful things that I see IMPACTFUL Parents doing. If you’re in my membership, IMPACT, you’ve seen parents do this. In fact, you might be one of the parents that I’m referencing. If you’re not in the membership yet, this will get you started down the path of having a powerful impact on your teen’s life.
This is one of my favorite things to teach inside the membership, and it’s one of the easiest concepts to understand.
Picture this: a simple T-Chart. On top, you write down a specific circumstance, (ex. Johnny is failing math.) On the left hand side it says, “Things I CAN Control.” On the right hand side it says, “Things I CAN’T Control.” Simple, right? Now, you go to work filling out the T-Chart. On the right hand side, you write down all the things you CAN’T control, like: I can’t control whether or not he does is homework. I can’t control whether or not he turns it in. I can’t control whether or not he sleeps through class. I can’t control whether or not he likes math. I can’t control whether or not he talks in class. I can’t control what his teacher thinks about him. And the list could go on and on.
Then we fill out the left side, what I CAN control. It might look like this: I can control whether or not I talk to him. I can control whether or not I email his teacher. I can control what I think about it. I can control how I feel. I can control how I behave.
You see, impactful parents shift their attention and their energy from things outside of their control, to the things within their control, and then they ONLY Control the Controllables!!
If you want to be more IMPACTFUL, control ONLY the controllables!
#6 Practice On the Top of The Wheel
This is one of the most underutilized practices in the world. Everyone wants to change and improve, but nobody’s willing to practice.
Being the parent of your dreams can be hard. You’re going to mess it up. So, get some more reps under your belt by practicing.
Want to be better? Practice, practice, PRACTICE! Repetition is the mother of all learning. It can be hard to change because you’re working against old programming. Creating lasting change means creating new programming. Creating new programming takes practice and developing new neural pathways.
And, make sure to practice when your at the top of the wheel. It will be easier. It will be more impactful, and it will be accompanied by more positive emotion.
Want to parent differently than everyone else? Want to have more impact? Practice your parenting during top of the wheel moments!
#7 Model the BEhavior they Want to See
Here’s a little secret that no one wants to admit, but we all know it. Your teen ISN’T listening to you, but they are WATCHING you!
The most powerful thing that you can do to have a powerful impact in your teen’s life is to MODEL the behavior you want to see in your teen’s in your own life.
BE The Change You Want to See!
One of the biggest mistakes parents make, including me, and probably you too, is demonstrating the exact behavior you want to eliminate from your teen. For example, have you ever yelled at your teen for yelling at people? Or, have you ever hit your teen for hitting a younger sibling? Or, have you ever criticized your teen for being too critical.
It’s okay if you’ve ever made any of these mistakes. It’s simply part of our herd animal programming. It natural to mirror others, which is important, so remember the idea of MIRRORING! If you’re teen’s grumpy and yelling at you, it’s natural to be grumpy right back and yell at them. This is mirroring.
BUT, if you can be intentional and MODEL the BEhavior you want to see in your teen, chances are that they will MIRROR YOU! It might not be immediately, and it might not be until they themselves are a parent, dealing with a teen who’s awfully similar to how they were as a teen, that they revert back to what they saw you do, but by modeling the behavior, you are giving them an example of how to be.
Want to parent for more impact? BE the parent of your dreams and model that behavior!
SPECIAL Bonus: Let Your IDENTITY Be Your Guide!
Last, but not least. Be aware of your identity. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Let that identity be the beacon in the distance that draws you closer, the compass that guides you along the way. Inside the membership, I teach parents how to create their own 10 Word Vision Statement for themselves to guide them in their parenting.
Take time to define who you want to be as a parent. Take time to imagine what that would look like. Visualize it and feel what it would feel like to be you. From that emotional state, move forward with action or inaction, but let your intentional emotions fuel your behaviors.
This is one of the most powerful things that impactful parents do differently!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Want to Improve You or Your Teen’s Mental, Emotional, and Physical Health?
Whether you want to improve you or your teen’s mental, emotional, or physical health, here are some simple tricks to help you do that.
Remember, it’s not your job to manage your teen’s mental, emotional, and physical health. Yes, you can support them, you can offer suggestions, and encourage, but you can’t control your teen’s mental, emotional, or physical health.
As always, my recommendation is that you lead by example. BE the Change you want to see!
Take Care of Physical Needs
Move
This could be as simple as going on a walk. It could be playing a game or sport.
It could be going to the gym.
This also helps with feeling restless, tired, and bored.
Rest
This might mean going to bed early.
Parents hate this one, but it could mean sleeping in.
It could mean just taking a break, sitting on the couch, and getting a moment of rest
Nourish
Eat something healthy.
I know it goes against what we were taught, but protein and fat are good sources of nourishment.
Drink water.
Take time to breath.
Touch
I need physical touch.
When I was a principle, I used to give my students high-fives, knuckles, soft slugs on the shoulder, we even had pillow fights in the commons using couch cushions.
Bathe
Shower, take a bubble bath, even simply washing your face or applying lotion can help.
Increase Emotional Intelligence
Understand that emotional health is your ability to experience any and ALL emotions! If you’re going through some sucky emotions, I’m sorry, and that’s part of being emotionally healthy.
Now, most everyone is by default emotionally healthy, meaning they can experience the whole range of emotions, any and ALL of them.
Where parents and teens struggle is in their emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence means that you can identify exactly what you’re feeling and why.
If you’re like most parents, and if your teen is like most teens, you guys might be struggling with your emotional intelligence, meaning you’re struggling to identify exactly what your feeling and/or understanding why you’re feeling it.
If you want to increase your emotional intelligence, you need to practice emotional intelligence. I recommend intentionally practicing identifying what your feeling in any given moment multiple times per day. Then, exploring what is making you feel that way. Spoiler alert, it will always be some form of a thought, whether conscious or subconscious.
Manage Your Mind
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts or your “To Do” list in your head, write them down. Put them on paper. Make them more tangible.
If you’re worried about the past, plan for the future with hope.
If you’re worried about the future, shift your focus to something that you can control in the present moment.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Would you be willing to trade 5 minutes of your time and attention, every day, in exchange for a better relationship with your teen?
I want to teach you how to improve your relationship with your teen by simply taking 5 minutes to reflect on the things that you like most about your teen.
Get bonus points if you write down three things about your teen that you are grateful for.
These can be small, specific things or broader characteristics. The key is to focus on the positive aspects of your teen and your relationship with them.
How to Do It:
Find a quiet moment during your day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
Bonus points if you can do this 3 times a day (morning, afternoon, AND evening).
Take a deep breath and clear your mind.
Practice shifting your attention from things you don’t like to things you DO like.
Write down three things you appreciate about your teen. This could be their sense of humor, a kind act they did, or even their resilience in facing challenges.
Reflect on these points and feel the gratitude genuinely.
Why This Habit is Impactful:
Shifts Your Focus to Positivity: This habit helps shift your focus from the negative behaviors or challenges that you’re experiencing with your teen to the positive aspects of your teen, which will change the overall tone of your interactions and reduce conflict.
Improves Your Parenting Mindset: Practicing gratitude has been shown to increase overall happiness and reduce stress. By starting or ending the day with a positive reflection, you will feel more positive and empowered.
Improve Your Parent/Teen Relationship: When you consistently acknowledge and appreciate your teen’s positive qualities, it will lead to better feelings and better communication. Teens pick up changes like this, which will reduce their defensiveness and improve their behavior.
Promotes Self-Reflection: This habit encourages you to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts, fostering a deeper understanding of your relationship with your teen and your own emotional responses.
Most Parents Miss This
Most parents miss this because they focus on problem-solving or they focus on controlling their teen’s behavior, hoping it will improve their relationship with their teen.
If you’re like most parents, this focus is keeping you stuck.
Fortunately, shifting to a simple, positive reflection practice of gratitude, though it might seem overly simple and counterintuitive, is extremely effective.
Gratitude changes your narrative from “What’s going wrong?” to “What’s going right?”, which will be a powerful catalyst for change in your relationship with your teen.
By adopting this daily gratitude reflection habit, you will develop a more positive outlook, build a stronger emotional connection with your teen, and greatly improve your parenting in just a few minutes each day.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
