One of the things that both parents and teens struggle with is accepting when things aren’t perfect and when things don’t turn out how they wanted them to.
Imperfection Is Part of Being Human
One of the things that I see all the time with both my teen clients and my parent clients is frustration about not being “better.”
If you’re like many of my clients, you have been frustrated with yourself for not being “better.”
Maybe you yelled at your teen, and you wish you could go back in time and unsay some of the things you said.
Maybe you didn’t handle a situation with your spouse exactly how you wanted to, or maybe you made a mistake and you’re having to live with the consequences.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!
No one is perfect. That is part of being human.
Being imperfect is part of being a parent.
So now what?
Your Best IS Good Enough!
I want to help you trust that your best IS good enough.
In fact, it’s better than good enough. It’s all that’s possible, ever.
And, it’s PERFECT!
That’s right, your imperfect parenting is PERFECT for what you and your child need.
So, carry on! Keep doing your best!
Own it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and continue on!
I’m Not Perfect, So Now What?
Okay, so we’ve established that being human means that you’re not going to be perfect.
So, now what?
Below, I’m going to share 3 simple things to do when you find yourself being less than “perfect.”
#1 Acceptance, Gratitude, and Love
My childhood wasn’t “perfect”, but it was EXACTLY what I needed.
I’ve made TONS of mistakes in my life, but it turns out those mistakes were EXACTLY what I needed to become me.
In fact, without the exact childhood that I had or all of my mistakes, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
If you’re like me, you wouldn’t be who you are today without the exact childhood that you had.
If you’re like me, without all of your mistakes you wouldn’t be who you are today.
Also if you’re like me, there’s no going back and changing or “fixing” your childhood or undoing your mistakes.
So, you might as well accept it and be grateful for how it’s helped you become the parent you are today.
The problem is, it can be hard to accept our imperfections and mistakes.
It can be even harder to be grateful for our imperfections and mistakes.
But I want to invite you to connect with yourself Right Where You Are! Imperfections and all.
As you develop the skill of accepting yourself as you are, it will be easier to show yourself some gratitude. With gratitude for yourself, it will be easier to show yourself love and kindness.
You have always done your best. You are still doing your best!
And, that’s perfect!
#2 Improve Your Best
One of the things that I’ve noticed as a football coach is that your best at the beginning of the season looks a lot different than your best at the end of the season.
After one season of football, I’ve seen kids grow physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I’ve seen kids grow in their skills and abilities.
You can do the same thing!
Your best today won’t look like your best in a year from now, especially after listening to the podcast, joining the membership, and practicing all of these amazing skills.
Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t compare yourself with this mythical “perfect” version of you.
Just give your best today and continue the work of improving your best.
#3 Enjoy the Process!
This one is very important, and it’s one that lots of parents forget.
Enjoy the process.
There’s nothing wrong with starting right where you are right now. It’s okay that it might take you some time.
Embrace the process and find ways to enjoy it.
In my experience as a football coach, the best football players are the ones who enjoy the process of working to be their best.
On the other hand, the players who constantly compare themselves with others, think they should be further along in the process, or hate being called out by the coach and admitting that there’s room to improve, seldom reach their potential.
When you can enjoy this process, growth is simply part of the journey.
The imperfections and mistakes also become simply part of the journey.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can stop fear, anger, and anxiety in their tracks.
“I Feel Like I’m Losing Control!”
One of the things that I hear the most from parents is, . . .
. . . “I feel like I’m losing control!”
The next thing they tell me is, . . .
. . . “I don’t know what to do!”
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably experienced this before and felt completely out of control and lost as to what to do about it.
If you’re like most parents, this probably leads to fighting, arguing, and power struggling with your teen, and it’s NO FUN AT ALL!
One of the hardest things about raising a teenager is realizing that you can’t control what you used to control.
And to be honest, this is a hard transition for your teen too.
They’re realizing that YOU CAN’T control everything. They’re starting to learn that THEY are responsible for what they can control.
The problem is, if you’re like most parents, you’re trying to control things that are actually outside of your control.
The Problem Is You’re Trying To Control What You Can’t Control
Trying to control things outside of your control is one of the biggest mistakes parents make.
The biggest problem with this is that your focus is on things outside of your control, positioning you as the victim.
When you focus on things outside of your control, you lose focus of the things that you actually can control.
If you’ve ever said, . . . “I feel like I’m losing control!” . . .
. . . It’s because you are trying to control things that are outside of your control.
When you try to control things outside of your control you feel out of control and lost, which is why you’re probably thinking, “I don’t know what to do!”
One of my clients jokingly accused me of being a broken record. She said, “I know what you’re going to say . . . ‘You’re focused on things outside of your control’.”
She was 100% right. That’s exactly what I was going to say, and she was right about focusing on things outside of her control.
What You Can and Cannot Control
One of the most basic and yet powerful exercises that I have parents do is to create a T-Chart identifying what they Can and Cannot control.
Once you identify the things outside of your control, you can LET THEM GO!
Once you let go of things outside of your control, you can now re-focus that energy on things within your control.
Here are some examples of things you CANNOT control:
Your teenager,
Their thoughts, feelings, actions, and results,
Their choices with friends,
Their friends,
Their grades,
Their values,
Their beliefs,
Your spouse and how they parent,
What your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
Here are some examples of things you CAN control:
YOU,
Some of your thoughts and feelings,
Your actions and results
Your choices,
Your response to their choice of friends,
Your response to their grades,
Your values,
Your beliefs,
Your thoughts about your spouse and how they parent,
How you connect with your teen no matter what your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
When you can discern between what you CAN and CANNOT control you will have more power to let go of things outside of your control.
How To Regain Control
The only way to regain control is to let go of things outside of your control and control ONLY what is within your control.
This gives you back a sense of control because you let go of all the things that you cannot control.
This gives you a sense of control because you gain even more control over the things that you actually can control.
All of your energy previously spent on things outside of your control can now be redirected and spent on the things that you actually can control.
This is freaking POWERFUL!
How to Control Only What You Can Control!
Gain Awareness! What CAN you and what CAN’T you control?
Awareness ALWAYS comes first!
Start to understand what you can and cannot control.
Be aware of things outside of your control that you try to control.
This takes practice and time, but it’s totally worth it.
2. Practice letting go of what you CANNOT control!
This one hard, but once you get it’s a total GAME CHANGER!
Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
Just commit to practicing letting go every day.
It will become more and more natural.
You’ll start to find that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
You’ll start to TRUST that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
3. Give what you CAN control your energy and attention!
As you let go of the things outside of your control, you will find you have more energy and attention for the things you can control.
As you set your intention and practice this you will gain more power.
Look for new things to let go of.
Find new things within your control.
4. Trust that others are DOING THEIR BEST!
This go hand in hand with #2.
Trusting that others are doing their best will help you let go.
Trusting that everything will be okay will help you let go.
5. Trust that YOU are DOING YOUR BEST!
You don’t have to be perfect.
I’ve been studying and practicing this for years, and I still find myself holding onto things I can’t control.
I’m still gaining more and more awareness.
I’m still finding new things to let go of.
I’m still finding ways to control only what I can control.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we’re making it better than ever!
Only you can meet your needs! If you’re waiting for others to meet your needs, you’ve positioned yourself as the victim.
Put On YOUR Oxygen Mask FIRST!
If you’re like most parents, you’ve been guilty of putting everybody else’s needs above your own.
I get it.
We live in a culture that praises self-sacrifice as noble.
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably bragged about some of the sacrifices that you’ve made for your children.
Sacrificing for your loved ones isn’t the problem.
The problem is when you take care of the needs of others at the expense of your own needs.
This is a huge problem because if you don’t take care of your needs, who will?
If you don’t take care of your needs, you have less power to help and serve others.
If you’ve ever traveled by plane, you’ve been instructed to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.
If you want to be the parent of your dreams, YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR SELF-CARE A PRIORITY!
Only YOU Can Know Your Needs
One of the things parents tell me, especially mothers, is . . .
. . . “I don’t even know what my needs are.”
I get it.
You’ve spent your whole life as a parent focusing on the needs of your children, and possibly your spouse, and you’ve forgotten how to focus on YOU.
Only you can know your needs.
No one else can figure your needs out for you.
So I want to invite you to make identifying and meeting your needs a priority.
Reconnect with YOU
The best way to identify and understand your needs is to reconnect with yourself.
To reconnect with yourself, explore powerful questions like:
“What are my “needs” and why?”
“What are my wants and why?”
“What am I feeling and why?”
“How are these feelings impacting me?”
“When am I at my best as a parent?”
“How do I want to BE as a parent?”
“What supports me BEing at my best?”
As you reconnect with yourself you will start to shift your focus back to things within your control.
You will start to understand what helps you BE at your best as a parent.
Here are some examples from my own life.
I need food, clothing, sleep, and love.
I want my family, my home, my business, and to help people.
When I feel stress, anger, and/or fear it impacts how I parent.
It makes me snappy, controlling, and critical.
I’m at my best as a parent when I’m calm, curious, and interested.
I want to be kind, caring, loving, and fun.
Here are some things that help me be at my best.
Exercise
Studying scriptures
Praying and meditating
Getting 7-8 hours of sleep
Managing my mind with thought downloads and models.
Setting my intention for the day.
Make YOU A Priority
Like I said earlier, ONLY YOU can meet your needs.
I invite you to make YOU and your needs a priority.
One of my clients said, “But it feels so SELFISH!”
Let me show you her unintentional model.
Circumstance~ Self-Care Thought ~ Putting my needs first is selfish. Feeling ~ Guilt Action ~ Sacrifice my self-care Result ~ Resent my family.
Because she believed it was selfish, she felt guilt which caused her to “sacrifice” her self-care for her family, which caused her to resent her family.
Circumstance~ Self-Care Thought ~ When I take care of myself, I’m a better mom. Feeling ~ Love Action ~ Spend alone time away from kids. Result ~ Love my kids and family.
When she thought about her self-care making her a better mom, she felt love (for herself), which fueled her action of addressing her needs, which resulted in her loving her family more.
Self-Care Increases Self-Love
As you improve your self-care, you will also increase your self-love.
I believe that you love the people you serve.
I invite you to look at self-care as serving yourself.
As you take care of yourself, you will grow to love yourself even more.
Your ability to love others reflects your ability to love yourself!
How to Implement Your Self-Care!
Connect with yourself
Take time to find, explore, and identify your needs.
Connect with who you are and who you want to be.
Identify what helps you BE the very best version of yourself
Make your self-care a priority
No one can do this for you.
It has to be YOUR priority!
Trust that this will help you be the VERY BEST version of yourself.
The more you serve yourself the more you will love yourself.
Love yourself
The more you love yourself the more you can love others.
The better you serve yourself the better you can serve others.
Your ability to love others is a reflection of your ability to love yourself!
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we’re making it better than ever!
Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can stop fear, anger, and anxiety in their tracks.
“Gratitude is the intention to count-your-blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.” ~ Timothy Miller
I Love November!
I LOVE November!!
I love Halloween, which is the day before November.
I love Thanksgiving, and I love when my birthday falls on Thanksgiving.
I love the fall, the leaves, the cool/changing weather, and I love everything about November.
And, I especially love the focus and extra push when it comes to gratitude, appreciation, and giving thanks.
The Power Of Gratitude
I believe that gratitude is a simple, yet powerful emotion.
There are some positive emotions that some people struggle to experience. Some people have a hard time getting to compassion and love, but gratitude seems to be a positive emotion that most people can experience fairly easily and consistently.
I believe that gratitude is a super emotion. It has the power to stop other negative emotions dead in their tracks.
Let me give you an example.
A while ago, I was trying to talk to my son who was talking on the phone. He “sh”d me.
I was annoyed and continued trying to talk to him. He yelled at me to “Shut up!”
I was a little more annoyed until my wife took his side and said, “Benjamin, leave him alone. He’s on the phone.”
Then I was MAD!
I was livid. I thought, “She was supposed to take my side.”
I’ve trained myself to have warning bells that go off in my head when I experience anger, and I realized what was going on.
Instantly I chose to think, “It’s kind of great that my son has a mother that is willing to take my son’s side.”
I remembered how frustrating it was as a teen when my parents would gang up on me.
All of the sudden, I felt GRATITUDE!
I felt gratitude for my wife, how she was BEing as my son’s mom, and I was grateful for her and my son.
Gratitude stopped my anger right in its tracks.
In an instant, I went from being livid, to being grateful and appreciative for my wife and son.
Gratitude is a super emotion!
Gratitude as a Feeling
Gratitude is a feeling, an emotion.
It is created by our thoughts.
It is created when we choose to appreciate our circumstances.
Gratitude is when you intentionally choose to be grateful and appreciative for your circumstances.
Gratitude is a powerful driving emotion.
We know from the model that our feelings drive our actions.
When I’m grateful I take actions like serving others, appreciating others, treating others (and myself) with kindness and patience.
Gratitude drives actions that create results that I love in my life.
Gratitude as a Way of BEing
Gratitude can be more than a simple feeling.
Gratitude can be a way of BEing. It’s a choice.
I love BEing grateful. It is one of my favorite ways to BE as a dad.
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably caught yourself being ungrateful.
If you’re like most people, when you’re ungrateful, you probably parent with less kindness and compassion.
It’s okay to catch yourself being ungrateful. It’s part of being human and being a parent.
BUT, you also have the power to BE grateful!
AND, I promise . . .
Gratitude WILL change EVERYTHING!
How to Develop the Superpower, GRATITUDE!
Set your Intention Early and Every day!
This has been powerful in my life!
When I get up, I set my intention for the day.
I guide my mind as to where I want it to go to work.
This takes practice, but it’s totally worth it.
2. Practice BEing Grateful Daily.
This one goes right along with #1, once you’ve set you intention, simply practice!
Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
Just commit to practicing BEing grateful every day.
It will become more and more natural.
3. See The Power of Gratitude In Your Life.
As you set your intention and practice gratitude, see the power in your life.
See how BEing grateful impacts your life.
Look for new and more things to be grateful for.
Find new ways to be grateful.
4. Keep a Gratitude Journal.
Seriously, there are some many things to be grateful for, and when you start to look for them, you’ll be overwhelmed with all the gifts in your life.
Keep a gratitude journal so you can remember and fully appreciate your life.
This journal will help you look back and see your own growth.
It’s fun to look back on things you were grateful for.
5. Share Your Gratitude with Others.
You can’t make others feel gratitude, but you can lead by example.
Help other people feel loved and appreciated by sharing your gratitude for them with them.
This may help others see things that they are grateful for.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we’re making it better than ever!
