Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it’s a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.
Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he’d be behind bars and “ruin” his life.
This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen.
She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.
Parenting From Shame
It’s also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control
Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen.
If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it’s likely because you are worried about what others think about you.
Also, if you worry that you aren’t good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning
When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen.
Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed
When Theresa realized that she didn’t have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son’s behavior. Though she didn’t agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills.
Changing from The Inside Out
When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside.
When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen.
Theresa’s growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced.
When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.
Harness Your Energy
Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be.
When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way.
Call to ACTION!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Today, I want to talk about attachment disorders, and the power of healing your own wounds.
First, I’d like to say that I am not THE expert, or the go to authority, on attachment disorder. I have experience with this, and I’ve worked with several parents and teens around attachment disorders, and I have helped them improve their relationships with themselves and others. So, I’m going to share some of the things that I’ve found to help, specifically for you the parent.
I’d also like to clear up a few things about attachment disorder and parenting teens. Unfortunately, it’s a term that’s overly used and misunderstood, kind of like narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder is actually extremely rare, but the way people talk about it, you’d think it’s extremely common.
Similarly, attachment disorder is rare, and a lot of people throw the term around without really understanding it.
Now, that’s not to say that you’re not dealing with attachment disorder. I have clients right now that are dealing with this and the wounds and pain that come with it.
Attachment disorder is when a child has trouble forming a deep, lasting bonds with parents, caregivers, and other people in their lives. Attachment disorder is rare, but it is definitely a real thing.
Just because your teen is moody or rebellious, which is pretty normal for teens, does not mean that your teen has attachment disorder. Usually, there are pretty severe circumstances that happen during a person’s early years that contribute to the development of attachment disorder, like abandonment, adoption, separation, trauma, and abuse.
Teens with attachment disorder might have a hard time being honest, following rules, standing up for themselves, trusting others, allowing and showing affection, or even feeling safe in every day safe environments. But here’s the thing: as parents, it IS NOT your job to fix your teen’s wounds, especially if they don’t want fixing.
Instead, put your focus on healing your own wounds first. When you’ve done that, you can better help and support your teen.
So, let’s work on ourselves and give our teens the space to grow.
Heal Your Own Attachment Wounds First
One of the things that I see the most when it comes to attachment disorder is the pain and sadness that impacts the parent of someone with attachment disorder.
I’ve seen mothers feel complete disappointment, hopelessness, and sadness because no matter what they try to do to create connection between them and their teen, it always seems to blow up in their face.
Recently a mother was telling me about little incidents where her child did little things from a very young age to push her away and make connection uncomfortable. She even told me about big events where she experienced real physical injury from her child trying to push her away.
The main point is, she told me about experience after experience where no matter what she tried to do to connect with her child, her child pushed away and made it nearly impossible for her to create connection. She talked about the years of feeling like a failure, feeling like she wasn’t good enough, and that there was something wrong with her.
The thing that most people don’t talk about when it comes to attachment disorder is the impact that it has on the caregiver.
If you have a child with attachment disorder, one of the most important things you can do is to heal your own wounds due to attachment disorder before you try to heal your child’s wounds that come with attachment disorder.
I’ll talk a little bit more about this healing process as we go on.
Give Your Teen the Benefit of the Doubt
When it comes to attachment disorder, one of the things that has helped me and others with loved ones with this is to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Choose to believe that they are doing their best. Choose to not let the things that they do and say that are meant to hurt you, hurt you.
I know that this can be hard, but the truth is, you can’t control what the other person does or says, but you can control how you choose to think about it and feel about it.
Rather than thinking, “They’re just trying to hurt me. They don’t love me at all.” Try to think things like, “I don’t understand what they’ve gone through and how that impacts how they treat me, but I trust that they’re doing their best.”
The truth is, if your teen knew how to do better or had the skills to do better, they would.
Now, I do want to say something really important here. One of the things that can happen with children with attachment disorder is harming others, parents, siblings, and even pets. Sometimes they will intentionally and even unintentionally harm people due to curiosity, lack of concern, or out of anger.
I want to be clear on this! You’re first priority is your safety. Protect yourself, protect others, protect your child. If you’re dealing with harm issues, start setting boundaries and enforcing them.
It’s possible to trust that your child is doing the best that they can, while still enforcing boundaries for behaviors that are risky and unacceptable.
Give YOURSELF the Love You’re Looking For
I’ve recently talked to a couple moms who were telling me about specific activities that they did with their children, hoping for connection and some appreciation, but in the end they didn’t get the connection or appreciation that they were looking for.
I get it. This hurts. It can be hard.
But, there’s something very important that you need to understand. The connection and the appreciation that you were looking for can’t come from your child. It has to come from you first.
The problem is, a lot of parents look to their children for acceptance, love, and appreciation, and when they don’t get it from their children, they feel unloved, unappreciated, and like they don’t belong.
So, give YOURSELF the love, connection, acceptance, and appreciation that you’re looking for from your children.
When you do special things for them, catch yourself hoping for love, connection, and appreciation, and love yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing this special thing because you want to, regardless of how they respond. Appreciate yourself for being the parent of your dreams.
Go Back In Time
Okay, this one might sound weird, but try going back in time mentally to give yourself the love, connection, acceptance, and appreciation that you’re looking for.
I learned this from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. When Scrooge goes through his transformation, it starts with revisiting his past and reprocessing some of the hurtful moments that you’re still hanging onto here in the present.
Maybe you took your child to a movie, and you were hoping for an amazing moment of connection, love, and appreciation, but instead it was a total nightmare. Maybe your child did everything they could to sabotage the experience like throwing a fit, complaining, and being mad at you.
No matter how it happened, you can go back mentally and reprocess the moment. For example, you could mentally go back and appreciate your efforts as a mother. You could go back and compliment your previous self on how well you handled the rough situation. You could mentally go back and give yourself a compliment and express love for yourself, like, “Insert your name, I see you! I see how hard you’re trying. I love how important this is for you. I love how kind you are, even when they don’t appreciate what your kindness.”
Bottom line is, you can do a lot of healing by simply going back and reprocessing events from the past with the strength, love, and compassion that you now have for yourself.
Be You with No Expectation from Others
Here’s one an example that I share all the time when it comes to expectations.
I like to host live events. I like connecting with my clients in real life, doing things that are fun and exciting, and really getting to know them. For example, I’ve hosted live events that have featured river rafting, laser tag, escape rooms, and even board games.
When I teach this concept of no expectations, especially when it’s with people who have been to my live events, I ask, “What do you think my expectations for others while doing this event?”
They usually answer, “Just to have fun, and to connect.” Which is 100% correct.
I then ask, “What if my intention of doing this event was so that you would like me and you would give me more money in working with me?”
They usually answer something like, “Yuck. I wouldn’t like that.”
To which I answer, “Exactly! People don’t like it when you do nice things in hopes of getting something out of them. It feels manipulative and icky.”
The same is true for you. If you’re doing nice things for your teen because you’re hoping they’ll like you, appreciate you, or finally follow your rules, you’re being manipulative and icky.
Instead, do those things for you, because of who you are.
I do live events because I LOVE them. I love connecting with you and other parents like you. I LOVE having fun. I love helping people. It’s me, and it’s for me to be me.
Do the same as a parent. If you’re taking your teen somewhere special, doing something nice for them, don’t have an attachment to a desired outcome. Instead, do it because that’s who you want to be as a parent, whether they appreciate it or not.
This will save you from the disappointment that comes with unmet desired outcomes.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Human beings love to overcomplicate things, and if you’re like most human beings, you probably fall into this trap sometimes.
For example, a lot of parents focus on their teen’s grades, and they create elaborate rewards and punishments meant to incentivize their teen to improve their grades.
If you look at work culture, there are tons of complicated, stupid/common sense rules. In my experience it’s way more simple to just hire good people who are there to do their best and who don’t need stupid rules to tell them what to do and what not to do. In stead, we want to have 100 page employment manuals.
If you catch yourself implementing stupid rules, meant to control your teen, you’re over complicating parenting and you’re over complicating your teen.
Fortunately, there’s a better way!
3 Simple Problems
I wish I’d have learned this way earlier. This would have helped me be a better parent, principal, life coach, football coach, and mentor much earlier.
Now that I know this, I feel like I am so much more equipped to help others grow and improve.
For you, as a parent of a teenager, this will help you know better how to support your teen in their growth and their development.
Though this is super simple, it does come with a warning.
Just because you see this and know this, doesn’t mean that you have the power to change, fix, or control your teen.
You can help them IF THEY WANT YOUR HELP.
So, don’t try to force this on your teen. Simply see it and lean into your own inner wisdom and explore how to help them.
So, what are the 3 simple problems?
MINDSET
SKILLSET
HABITS
#1 Mindset
Right now in the coaching and therapy world, mindset is huge, which is a good thing, because it was neglected and ignored for way to long.
But, sometimes people focus too much on mindset and don’t balance the need to address skillset and habits.
Mindset problems are tied to your thoughts and your mind (obviously).
A lot of people have no clue how their thoughts impact their feelings and their actions.
A lot of the mindsets that you have as a parent, you picked up from your parents who had those same mindsets.
When you can gain awareness around your mindset, how you think and what you think, you will then gain the power to choose how and what you think. With this power to choose, your choices will program your mind overtime to think through a new lens.
One of the awesome things about shifting your mindset is that in some areas, you can make a radical shift really quickly, though in other areas it might take years.
In my early coaching days, I have to admit that I over valued mindset, and focused more on that than anything. Now I believe I’m much more balanced.
Before my coaching days, I probably mostly ignored mindset. So, I’m glad it’s getting more attention now.
With practice, you can reprogram your mindset.
Teen and Parent Mindset Problems
Here are some examples of mindset problems in parents and teens.
A lot of teens who struggle with self-image, have a mindset problem.
For example, they compare themselves to others. This is a mindset.
A lot of parents of teens struggle accepting their teen and connecting with them. Often this is a mindset problem because they’re comparing their teen to what they think their teen should be.
A lot of parents and teens who struggle with depression, anxiety, and overwhelm are simply struggling from a mindset problem, that with a little work, they could completely change and improve.
As a football coach, I see mindset problems all the time when my players think things like, “I can’t do that,” or “Coach hates me,” or “I’m the best player ever, and coach doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
When I can identify mindset problems, I can help address them in my players and in my teens.
#2 Skillset
Skillset and habits are what most people have focused on in the past, and they’re super important, but all the skill development in the world will never make up for a poor mindset.
So, keep in mind, there needs to be a balance between the three, and often there will be overlap with the three.
A lot of the teens that I work with have some mindset problems. Sometimes we can address those in just 1 week. But, they continue to struggle because they don’t have the skills required to thrive.
Let’s take basketball for example. You can have the proper mindset to execute a layup, but without the skill, you’ll still struggle.
Just like with mindset, and habits really, you can reprogram your skillset. It takes practice and repetition.
In sports, I feel like this is easy to see. There are players with the right mindset, but they don’t have the skills to back it up. They might get into a game, thinking, “I’ve got this. I can do this,” only to find out that they are lacking the skills to actually do the task.
Teen and Parent Skillset Problems
Here’s how I see this in parents and teens.
When I work with parents, they can usually change their mindset in the very first coaching call. With the new mindset, they totally want to parent differently and better, but in the heat of the moment, they often lack the skill of parenting differently. Sometimes this can take a few weeks. But, with intentional practice using the wheel of life, they’re able to relatively quickly build new skills.
Teens are the same way. I have a teen client who completely changed her mindset around school, grades, homework, and procrastination, but it took her a few months to revamp her skills when it came to better managing school.
#3 Habit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Habits get a bad rap. People talk about BAD habits more than they talk about GOOD habits. You’ve probably focused more on BREAKING bad habits than you have focused on BUILDING good habits.
The truth is, habits aren’t good or bad. They’re neutral, and they work in the background of your subconscious mind.
The secret is, your habits will work for you or against you, depending on what you program into your BEing.
There is some overlap with habits, skillset, and mindset, but habits are their own unique point to this triangle.
I know people who have a great mindset, they’ve developed some powerful skills, but they keep getting pulled back into their old habits.
I fall into this trap, especially when it comes to my weight and health. I’ll work on the mental game and greatly improve my mindset around food, exercise, and my health. I’ll develop the skill of exercising and improve my technique when I lift. I’ll even learn the skill of fixing healthy food, but in the moment, I’ll fall back into old habits either without thinking or simply because I want the pleasure that comes with the old habit.
The truth is, just like mindset and skillset, habits need to be trained and reprogrammed.
Teen and Parent Habit Problems
When it comes to habits that are hurting parents and teens, one of the biggest ones that I see is constantly allowing yourself to be distracted by your phone. This is a habit that is wreaking havoc on parent/teen relationships. And, it’s BOTH parents AND teens.
If you’re like many of the parents who are often distracted by your phone and/or social media, you’re missing opportunities for connection. If your teen is like a lot of teens, and they’re distracted by their phone, social media, and video games, they’re also missing opportunities.
Now, you CAN’T change your teen, but you can BE The Change you want to see with your teen. YOU CAN build new habits and lead the way by modeling the habits you want to see.
Another habit that I often see is BEing critical. I see this in parents towards both themselves and their teen, and others. I also see this in teens, towards themselves, their parents, and others.
The habit of being critical will rob you of happiness, gratitude, and connection.
This is a habit that starts with you. I can’t tell you how many times a mom has told me that after managing her self-talk and her inner-criticism, that she completely stopped criticizing others.
Putting It All Together
Awareness is a powerful force. If you’re like me, and the parents I work with, you’re probably tired of going through life and your parenting distracted and unaware.
Take the time to gain some awareness around the problems that you and your teen are facing. Become aware of whether your problems are related to Mindset, Skillset, or Habits, or a combination of the 3.
With this awareness, you can now simply solve for the problem at hand.
Got a mindset problem? Address the mindset. Question your thoughts and beliefs. Choose new thoughts and beliefs. Let it be simple.
Got a skillset problem? Take time to learn new skills. Get good at teaching new skills to your teen. Let it be simple.
Got a habit problem? Understand the habit. See how it used to serve you, but how it’s now hurting you. Then, take your energy from the old habit and redirect it to building a new habit.
I promise. This is easier than is sounds. Let it be easy and let this help you BE The Parent of Your Dreams!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Recently, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me sharing a similar feeling of having their teen on their last nerve.
I’ve got to be honest, I know exactly how you feel. Recently, I’ve been catching myself being short tempered and impatient with my kids, not just my teens.
One of the things that’s been helping me with this is simply remembering that frustration is simply part of being a parent. In fact, I often remind myself that not only is it part of being a parent, but I signed up for this to help me grow and improve.
It’s also helpful to remind myself that I have the tools to handle my frustration. I try to remind myself, “Ben, you teach parents and teens about Emotional Intelligence all of the time, this is simply an opportunity to practice what you preach!”
I want to preface this podcast with a warning. I call it how I see it. This is not meant to offend, but is meant with all the love that I have for you. And, those of you who I have personally spoken too recently, you know how much I love and care about you!
If you haven’t spoken to me recently, I’m guessing you know how much I care.
So here we go.
YOU Are Responsible for How You Feel
I know, this one is obvious, but it’s also so easy to forget.
You my friend are responsible for how you feel, not your teen. If you’re losing your patience, that’s on you, not your teen. If you’re teen’s getting on your last nerve, that’s on you, not your teen. If you currently don’t trust your teen, maybe they’ve stolen money from you, maybe they’re sneaking around with their girl or boyfriend, or maybe their looking at porn, not matter what your teen is doing YOU are responsible for how you choose to think about them and feel towards them.
I’m not saying that you should just trust blindly, but you can choose to trust that your teen is getting exactly what they need from life, and you can trust that they, and everything, will turn out A-OKAY!
There are a few things that you can do to BE responsible for how you feel.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Step 1, Identify what you’re feeling. Might be anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, dislike, or some combination of multiple feelings.
Step 2, Identify why you’re feeling that feeling. It will always be a thought. It might be, “They should be more open with communication.” or maybe, “They shouldn’t be looking at porn.” or maybe even, “I can’t believe they would do that.”
Ultimately, you have the power to better understand what you’re feeling and why.
Don’t identify as your feeling. Identify as someone who’s experiencing the feeling. Someone who can identify, observe, and explore the feeling, and even intentionally create your feelings. This will help give you power and acceptance over your emotions.
STOP Blaming your teen! This is one of the most disempowering things you can do. You are not at the mercy of your teen. You are responsible for your feelings, not your teen.
Recently, I blamed my 8 year old for my frustration. It was about 10:00 pm and way past his bed time. He and his sister were fighting, and I was convinced that HE was to blame for my frustration. When I took responsibility, I realized that it had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I was stressed about my upcoming live event. I was frustrated at the time that my new day job takes. I was unhappy about the lower numbers of podcast downloads. None of which had anything to do with him. I reminded myself, I’m anxious about the live event because I care so much. That’s a good thing. I might be frustrated about the time my job takes away from my business and family, but I’m really blessed and excited about the job. And, my podcast downloads always go down during summer. I’m okay with that because I want families out having fun, and that might give them less time to listen to my podcast.
You’re Attached to a Desired Outcome that’s Out of Your Control
If you’re like a lot of parent of teens, you might be falling into the trap of being emotionally attached to a specific desired outcome.
For example, I was recently talking with a mom who said that it’s killing her to watch her teen not use good communication skills, even with his friends. I asked how she feels about it and she explained that she felt disappointed, frustrated, and even embarrassed. All of these emotions are signaling that she has an attachment to how she thinks things should be with her teen.
The problem with these attachments is that they are a huge waste of energy. Think about it: you want your teen to behave a certain way, this is your mental focus. When your teen doesn’t behave that way, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed. These emotions are energy inside of you, and these emotions keep you from BEing the mom that you want to be.
Instead, I want to invite you to FIRST, catch yourself being attached to the desired outcome (HINT: You’ll catch yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed). SECOND, I want you to identify what are the things that you’re focusing on that are outside of your control (HINT: These will be thoughts like, “I can’t believe he did that.”) and THIRD, shift your attention to something within your control, (HINT: This will be something to do with YOU.)
The truth is, your attachment to your desired outcomes are holding you back and emotionally keeping you from BEing the parent of your dreams!
It’s Time to Set Better Boundaries
This can be tough. I get it. I need to have a free class for all parents to come learn how to set better boundaries.
For now focus on these few things when it comes to setting better boundaries.
#1, How can I empower my teen and get their input on this boundary?
For me I like to ask empowering questions like, “I understand you want to stay out extra late this weekend. What do you think would be a fair curfew?”
You want to let them do the thinking. If you don’t like their answer, simply say, “I see. That’s a pretty good idea, but I don’t think I can get behind that. How about this instead?” Then just go back and forth working together to come up with something that works best for you.
#2, Focus on building your connection with your teen to improve your boundaries with them.
#3, Experiment with your boundaries. You don’t have to do it “perfectly right” every time. Gain some experience through trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your teen’s not listening!
I know, if you’re like me and like the parents that I coach, you’ve probably noticed that your teen doesn’t really listen to you as much as you’d like, and yet, if you’re like me you probably spend way to much time trying to tell them stuff when they’re not really listening to you.
“What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.”
~ Joseph Chilton Pearce
Fortunately, there’s a secret that most parents miss, that’s even more powerful than having your teen listen to you.
The secret is this . . .
You’re teen’s not listening, but they are watching you!
~ Ben Pugh
Your Teen IS Watching You!
I promise you, your teen is watching you.
This is one of the most empowering parenting secrets ever!
And, most parents completely miss it because they are so busy falling into the trap or lecturing, yelling, arguing, discussing, pleading, all the things just hoping that their teen will finally listen.
In today’s podcast, we’re going to talk about a few things that you’re modeling to your teen, through your behavior, that you might not be aware of.
This isn’t meant to be mean or hurtful, it’s just to help you open your awareness and understand what you’re modeling for your teen.
Once you have awareness, you now have the power to choose!
Things You’re Modeling for Your Teen, without Knowing
#1 How You Handle Stress
This one is huge. I can’t tell you how many parents have come to me asking me to help their teen better manage their stress. Then, when I talk to the parent, I learn that they struggle handling their stress too, and that’s where their teen learned it from.
This is a powerful place for you to BE The Change you want to see in your teen.
Your teen is watching you and how you handle stress. Do you rise to the occasion? Do you see yourself as bigger than your stressors? Or do you shrink in the face of stress. Do you see your problems as bigger than you?
#2 How You Manage Your Mind and Emotions
I know, this could basically cover the first one. But, it’s slightly different.
Whether you like it or not, whether you feel like you manage your mind and emotions or not, YOU ARE modeling that behavior.
This is powerful to understand. You have the power to manage your mind. You have the power to demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Most parents pass on their beliefs to their kids. They also pass on their same emotional habits. You get to choose what you’ll model when it comes to how you manage your mind and your emotions.
#3 How You Treat Yourself and Others
Again, a lot of parents have asked me to help their teen improve their self-esteem, only to find that it is the parent who needs help with their self-esteem.
How you treat yourself is the model for how your teen will likely treat themselves. How you treat them, will greatly impact how they treat themselves.
Give your teen the gift of modeling how to have a positive relationship with yourself and others.
#4 What You Value
If I were to spend about 5 minutes with you, I could give you a pretty accurate description of your top values. Your values always manifest in your results.
You are modeling your values for your teen.
Many times, your teen will learn to value your values, simply because you value them.
Be intentional about the things you value.
#5 How You Identify Obstacle and Opportunities
If you go through life seeing all the obstacles, but missing all of the opportunities, your teen will likely follow your lead and adopt the victim mindset as their main mindset.
If you practice seen the opportunities that come from the obstacles, your teen will follow your example and adopt the hero mindset as their main mindset.
You’re teen isn’t listening, but they are watching you.
Whether you realize it or not, you are a powerful example in their life.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
