I’m not here to tell you whether or not you’ve experienced trauma, or whether your trauma is little “t” trauma or BIG “T” trauma.
The thing about trauma is that it impacts everyone differently. What’s traumatic to me, might not even hit your radar, and vice versa.
There can be something in your life that seemed very traumatic but others wouldn’t think twice about it.
One of the things that gives trauma even more power, is when people try to police the idea of trauma and what is traumatic and what isn’t and who has been traumatized and who hasn’t.
Bottom line is, I want to help you better understand trauma, especially your own, so yo will be better equipped to handle trauma with confidence and purpose.
Two Things Nobody’s Talking About
It seems like a lot of people are talking about generational trauma, which is trauma that is handed down from generation to generation.
This is a good start! It’s helpful to be aware of things like this.
You might have heard people talk about generational trauma and wonder how to stop it, or how to help the next generation, or maybe even talking about who’s to blame for the trauma.
But, it seems that everyone is missing the most important part of the equation, and that part is YOU.
I totally get it. In the world that we live in, most people would rather shift the responsibility of healing from trauma over to the person or thing they blame for their trauma.
Another thing people aren’t talking about is the many different ways that trauma can show up in your life, or the lives of your loved ones, especially your teen.
Trauma is Programming
Okay, let’s get into the first thing that I teach that often triggers people when it comes to talking about trauma.
Trauma is programming.
I’ve been accused of oversimplifying when I say this, but honestly, I’d rather over simplify than over complicate.
For me, seeing trauma, and the way individuals respond to trauma, as programming is empowering. I’ve experienced trauma and being able to identify my response is empowering.
Some examples of generational trauma might be:
Drug and alcohol abuse
Obesity
Poverty
Prejudice
Abuse
Yelling
Do you have any generational traumas or programming that you could heal?
In my family, there are programs that I’m working to reprogram around food, health, money, and relationship.
You, and ONLY YOU Are Responsible for Healing YOUR Trauma
Okay, the second thing that I teach that often triggers people is that YOU and ONLY YOU are responsible for your trauma.
Now, let me be perfectly clear. You ARE NOT to blame for your trauma.
I was molested when I was a child. I’m not to blame for that. I’m not responsible for it happening, but I am responsible for what I choose to do with it.
I can’t make my babysitter undo it, or heal it for me. I have to do that work.
My daughter nearly got attacked by a dog. It was very traumatic for her. She didn’t want to do sleepovers with her cousins because she was so afraid of dogs.
We couldn’t get the dog to undue that trauma. Would couldn’t get the dog’s owner to change the past. My daughter had to do her work to heal that trauma.
To almost quote Smokey the Bear, “Only YOU can . . . ” heal your trauma.
You Have the Power to Heal Generational Trauma
When it comes to your trauma, you can continue reinforcing it and possibly pass it down, or you can heal it for yourself and potentially for future generations.
If you leave trauma unresolved, it will continue to resurface.
Call to ACTION!
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
Recently, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me sharing a similar feeling of having their teen on their last nerve.
I’ve got to be honest, I know exactly how you feel. Recently, I’ve been catching myself being short tempered and impatient with my kids, not just my teens.
One of the things that’s been helping me with this is simply remembering that frustration is simply part of being a parent. In fact, I often remind myself that not only is it part of being a parent, but I signed up for this to help me grow and improve.
It’s also helpful to remind myself that I have the tools to handle my frustration. I try to remind myself, “Ben, you teach parents and teens about Emotional Intelligence all of the time, this is simply an opportunity to practice what you preach!”
I want to preface this podcast with a warning. I call it how I see it. This is not meant to offend, but is meant with all the love that I have for you. And, those of you who I have personally spoken too recently, you know how much I love and care about you!
If you haven’t spoken to me recently, I’m guessing you know how much I care.
So here we go.
YOU Are Responsible for How You Feel
I know, this one is obvious, but it’s also so easy to forget.
You my friend are responsible for how you feel, not your teen. If you’re losing your patience, that’s on you, not your teen. If you’re teen’s getting on your last nerve, that’s on you, not your teen. If you currently don’t trust your teen, maybe they’ve stolen money from you, maybe they’re sneaking around with their girl or boyfriend, or maybe their looking at porn, not matter what your teen is doing YOU are responsible for how you choose to think about them and feel towards them.
I’m not saying that you should just trust blindly, but you can choose to trust that your teen is getting exactly what they need from life, and you can trust that they, and everything, will turn out A-OKAY!
There are a few things that you can do to BE responsible for how you feel.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Step 1, Identify what you’re feeling. Might be anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, dislike, or some combination of multiple feelings.
Step 2, Identify why you’re feeling that feeling. It will always be a thought. It might be, “They should be more open with communication.” or maybe, “They shouldn’t be looking at porn.” or maybe even, “I can’t believe they would do that.”
Ultimately, you have the power to better understand what you’re feeling and why.
Don’t identify as your feeling. Identify as someone who’s experiencing the feeling. Someone who can identify, observe, and explore the feeling, and even intentionally create your feelings. This will help give you power and acceptance over your emotions.
STOP Blaming your teen! This is one of the most disempowering things you can do. You are not at the mercy of your teen. You are responsible for your feelings, not your teen.
Recently, I blamed my 8 year old for my frustration. It was about 10:00 pm and way past his bed time. He and his sister were fighting, and I was convinced that HE was to blame for my frustration. When I took responsibility, I realized that it had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I was stressed about my upcoming live event. I was frustrated at the time that my new day job takes. I was unhappy about the lower numbers of podcast downloads. None of which had anything to do with him. I reminded myself, I’m anxious about the live event because I care so much. That’s a good thing. I might be frustrated about the time my job takes away from my business and family, but I’m really blessed and excited about the job. And, my podcast downloads always go down during summer. I’m okay with that because I want families out having fun, and that might give them less time to listen to my podcast.
You’re Attached to a Desired Outcome that’s Out of Your Control
If you’re like a lot of parent of teens, you might be falling into the trap of being emotionally attached to a specific desired outcome.
For example, I was recently talking with a mom who said that it’s killing her to watch her teen not use good communication skills, even with his friends. I asked how she feels about it and she explained that she felt disappointed, frustrated, and even embarrassed. All of these emotions are signaling that she has an attachment to how she thinks things should be with her teen.
The problem with these attachments is that they are a huge waste of energy. Think about it: you want your teen to behave a certain way, this is your mental focus. When your teen doesn’t behave that way, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed. These emotions are energy inside of you, and these emotions keep you from BEing the mom that you want to be.
Instead, I want to invite you to FIRST, catch yourself being attached to the desired outcome (HINT: You’ll catch yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated, and embarrassed). SECOND, I want you to identify what are the things that you’re focusing on that are outside of your control (HINT: These will be thoughts like, “I can’t believe he did that.”) and THIRD, shift your attention to something within your control, (HINT: This will be something to do with YOU.)
The truth is, your attachment to your desired outcomes are holding you back and emotionally keeping you from BEing the parent of your dreams!
It’s Time to Set Better Boundaries
This can be tough. I get it. I need to have a free class for all parents to come learn how to set better boundaries.
For now focus on these few things when it comes to setting better boundaries.
#1, How can I empower my teen and get their input on this boundary?
For me I like to ask empowering questions like, “I understand you want to stay out extra late this weekend. What do you think would be a fair curfew?”
You want to let them do the thinking. If you don’t like their answer, simply say, “I see. That’s a pretty good idea, but I don’t think I can get behind that. How about this instead?” Then just go back and forth working together to come up with something that works best for you.
#2, Focus on building your connection with your teen to improve your boundaries with them.
#3, Experiment with your boundaries. You don’t have to do it “perfectly right” every time. Gain some experience through trial and error.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
Step 3- Come work with me to help you up level your parenting!
If you’ve been listening to me lately, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Victim Mentality.
Recently a lot of parents have talked to me about their teen, or even their spouse, being in the victim mentality.
Some have asked, “How do I get my teen out of the victim mentality?”
We’ll get to that, but first, there’s some important things I want you to understand about the victim mentality.
Understand the Victim Mentality
First off, the victim mentality is part of being human. Because of the brain that we have, which is capable of really complex thoughts, we as humans have the capability of getting into the victim mentality, including your teen.
“Everyone gets in the victim mentality from time to time. It’s part of being human. But, once you’re aware of it, you now have the power to choose whether or not you want to stay in the victim mentality or leave it for the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
Plus, with it being a common human condition, it’s important to realize that as herd animals, it’s easy to fall into the trap of the victim mentality when that’s the predominate mentality of our current society.
Also keep in mind, most people aren’t aware that they’re in the victim mentality. Once you gain awareness, it’s catching yourself in the victim mentality, and reaping the results of this mentality that help motivate you to move from the victim mentality to the hero mentality.
In other words, you teen needs their experience in the victim mentality to help motivate them to move to the hero mentality on their own.
Also, just because we see them as the victim does not mean that they want us to swoop in as their hero.
And, technically, if you’re focused on your teen’s mindset, and trying to fix them, you are focused on things outside of your control, which indicates that you too are in the victim mentality.
What Is the Victim Mentality?
“I talk about 3 different mentalities: the victim mentality, the hero mentality, and the creator mentality. The reality is, you are always the creator, whether you realize it or not, but what you create is determined by whether you’re in the victim mentality or the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
What’s the Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You find opportunities
You’re grateful for trials and struggles
You embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
It’s a Choice
“It can be hard to get out of the victim mentality. It’s as simple as a choice, but it’s hard when it’s how you’ve been trained to think, and it’s the mentality that you see most prominently around you.”
Ben Pugh
The truth is, you have the power to choose how you will think, but first you have to develop awareness. Once you have awareness around your mindset, you then have the power to choose, which mentality will be your mindset.
It can be humbling to realize that when you are in the victim mentality, you’re choosing that mentality.
But, it’s empowering to realize that you have the power to choose to switch your mindset to the hero mentality.
You Are Only Responsible for YOUR Mindset
I’m sorry to break this to you, but you can’t get your teen out of the victim mindset for them. Doesn’t matter if it’s your teen or your spouse, they have to do this all on their own.
And, this might actually be one of the biggest traps that parents fall into, trying to control your teen’s mindset, because it’s something outside of your control, and if you’re trying to manage your teen’s mindset, you’re not managing your own.
But their are ways to support them in shifting their mindset; you just can’t do it for them.
“It’s not your job to get anyone else out of the victim mindset; not your teen, not your spouse, not anyone but yourself. If others around you are in the victim mindset, be the shining example of being in the hero mindset.”
Ben Pugh
The most powerful way to support your teen in getting out of their victim mentality is for you to manage your mindset!
You can teach them, you can punish them, and you can bribe them, but the most powerful thing you can do is be an example of the hero mindset.
Practice and Model the Hero Mentality
I think that practicing new skills is hugely underutilized and under appreciated.
If you want to think differently, you have to train your mind to think differently.
Seriously, practice reprogramming your mind to see the world through the hero mindset.
For this, I like to use the Wheel of Life.
When you’re on the top of the wheel, catch yourself BEING the hero. Pat yourself on the back when you catch yourself seeing opportunities when others see obstacles.
Really use the top of the wheel to practice the hero mentality.
And, when you catch yourself on the bottom of the wheel, maybe you’re focusing on things outside of your control or only seeing obstacles, intentionally explore and seek to understand why you’re in the victim mentality.
With that awareness, you can then start practicing the choice of intentionally shifting your focus to things within your control.
Want to Create a Healthier and Happier Relationship with your Teen at IMPACT Live?
Step 1 – Go get your tickets.
Step 2 – Go highlight June 20-22 on your calendar.
Step 3- Come have the time of your life connecting with your teen!
Lately I’ve felt directed to discuss things concerning spirituality.
I’ll do a podcast on spirituality, what it is, what it isn’t, what it’s often confused with, especially in religion, and more.
But this episode isn’t specifically about spirituality, but it is about something that will help deeper connect you with things of a spiritual nature.
So, as you listen, try to listen for things that ignite your soul.
3 Mentalities
When I was a principal, there was a time when we had a poster hung up above the cafeteria doors that said something like.
Victims see only obstacles, while heroes see only opportunities.
I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like that.
I remember that it jarred me at the moment.
At that moment, I remember being very focused on the obstacles in my life as a principal.
I remember feeling very frustrated and defeated, and I realized that I was totally in the victim mentality.
So, I started questioning, “What opportunities am I missing?”
Instantly, my mind was flooded with opportunities that I had previously been blind to.
This time in my life was an opportunity to delegate more responsibility to my staff and my students.
It was an opportunity to train and level up people around me.
It was an opportunity to let go of things out of my control.
That little sign completely changed my reality.
Since then, I’ve come to realize that there’s 3 mentalities; Victim Mentality, Hero Mentality, and the Creator Mentality.
I came to this realization a couple months ago while on a walk with my wife and my dog.
I remember having my mind blown wide open.
I happened to have a group coaching call right after the walk and I instantly taught my members this concept.
Now, I want to teach it to you.
Victim Mentality
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You’ll find opportunities
You’ll be grateful for trials and struggles
You’ll embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
Creator Mentality
So, let’s talk about the last and most powerful mentality.
I like to call it either creator mentality or the god mentality.
If the victim mentality is the world happening TO you, and the hero mentality is the world happening FOR you, the creator mentality is the world happening THROUGH you.
This means, that you look at your reality, your results, as something that’s come through you.
This can be a tough pill to swallow!
If you’re at a weight that you don’t want to be at, like I currently way between 245-250 lbs. I want to weigh 195-200 lbs. I created this reality.
The thing is, when you swallow this tough pill and you accept ownership of your reality, you embrace the power that you have to create a new and different reality.
You begin to see your hand in EVERYTHING.
You begin to see how you have the power to create change all around you.
You’ll know you’re in the creator mentality if:
Start taking responsibility for you and the things you can control.
You let go of things outside of your control and redirect that energy to things within your control.
You see things that you want to create and you feel confident that you can create them.
You feel empowered, confident, and bold.
This is where you want to be.
As a parent, this means that you’re no longer blaming your teen for your poor relationship.
You’re no longer making excuses and criticizing yourself and others.
You see the relationship that you want with your teen, and you go about creating that relationship.
Now, sometimes people ask, “So, you want my to just blame myself for what my teen’s doing?” or “You want me to ignore my teen’s part in all of this.”
Well, NO, I don’t want you blaming yourself for what you’re teen’s doing. That’s actually more of the victim mentality.
And, YES, you may need to ignore your teen’s part in things because it’s OUTSIDE of your control.
All this does is help you take back your power by being responsible for YOU and ONLY the things you can control.
By doing this, you can re-harness your energy and re-apply it to you instead of all the things outside of your control.
Why this is SO Important
The secret is, whether you’re in the victim mentality, the hero mentality, or the creator mentality, YOU ARE THE CREATOR of your reality.
So, if you’re in the victim mentality, that’s the reality that you’re creating.
If you’re in the hero mentality, that’s a definite level up from the victim mentality.
When you embrace the creator mentality, there’s nothing that can stand in the way of YOU being the you of your dreams.
When you start taking responsibility for your reality, you claim the power that comes with having created your reality, which gives you the power to create a new reality however you want it.
Want to Master the Inner Game of Parenting?
Step 1 – Go take the parent trap quiz!
It’s free, easy, and will take you less than 3 minutes.
Step 2 – Use your quiz results to focus your energy on growing in the area indicated by your quiz results.
“Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
100% Responsibility = Power
We live in a world that often refuses to be responsible and to take responsibility.
As a result, it’s common to blame others.
Lately, in my own life, I’ve been extra aware of the blaming that takes place around me, especially when I’m guilty of doing the blaming.
I’ve noticed two things over and over, . . .
#1 Blaming positions you as the victim, every time!
#2 Taking 100% responsibility empowers you, EVERY TIME!
What is 100% Responsibility?
First of all, I want to be 100% clear, taking responsibility is not blaming yourself for everything. It’s not taking the fall for everyone else.
100% Responsibility is taking responsibility for your reality and your part in creating it.
BEing responsible means accepting that you are the one creating your results and your reality.
It means that no one is coming to save you or to fix your problems but you.
It is all up to you, and that’s the best news ever!
Blaming puts your focus on things outside of your control, making you the victim.
Taking 100% responsibility puts your focus on things within your control, making you in control.
That is empowering!
When you are 100% responsible, you have the power to be the change that you are looking for.
Blaming Turns You Into the Victim.
Like I said earlier, when you blame others, you shift your focus to things outside of your control. This turns you into a victim. Now, in your mind, you are at the mercy of the person or thing that you are blaming. Rather than having the power to change your circumstances, you depend on others to change.
I see this a lot with parents who are struggling with their teens. Rather than being 100% responsible, they are willing to be 90% responsible, but they still want to blame their teen for things.
“I know I’m not perfect, and I’m doing my best, but my teen . . . “
What if, there is no blame, no fault, and no reason for blame or fault.
That completely frees you up to focus on what you can control.
So Now What?
#1 Increase your awareness around responsibility and blaming.
If you’re like most parents, you blame others and make excuses without even thinking about it. It has become a habit and part of who you are. The first step is to become aware of when you are blaming or making excuses. By doing this, you can also gain some awareness of the emotions that you are trying to avoid by blaming.
For me, it is almost always, if not always, shame that I try to avoid. By blaming others, I try to shift the burden of shame to them.
#2 Identify what you can control and take responsibility for that.
When you blame, you try to shift your focus from something within your control to something outside of your control.
I invite you to get curious and find what is within your control and take responsibility for that. Doesn’t matter how good or true the excuse is, or how real the blame is, take responsibility for what you CAN control. This puts you in a position of power.
#3 Shift Your Mindset
Most people think of things happening TO them.
This way of thinking positions you as the victim. You are at the mercy of the things happing TO you.
Shift your mindset to think of things happening FOR you.
Now, everything is happening for your good. You have the power to benefit from every circumstance.
Explore how things are happening THROUGH you.
Now, you are the creator of the things that happen around you. You will start to see ways that you are responsible for your reality. This will empower you to control the few things that you are actually responsible for.
#4 Practice, practice, practice
If you’re like most people, this is going to be a shift for you, and it will take time and practice.
Practice awareness. Much of this will take place in the thought line of the model. Some will take place in the feeling line.
Practice experiencing the emotion that you are trying to avoid. This will take place in the feeling line.
Practice the habit of taking responsibility.
Call to ACTION!
I’m getting ready to launch my BETA program for parents, Impact Parenting Program. And I want you to help me make it the best program ever.
If you are interested in getting in at founding member pricing (a huge discount), and helping me build something that will benefit parents of teens just like you, click the link below to get on the waitlist and I’ll notify you when I’m ready to launch.
