Self-Deception - Ben Pugh Coaching

The Truth Destroying Your Teen Relationship

Watch this whole episode on YouTube: Episode 280

You love your teen.
You try to help, support, and guide them.
But somehow, your relationship still feels hard.

You talk, and it turns into an argument.
You try to connect, and they shut down.

What if something you can’t see is secretly wrecking your relationship with your teen?
That’s what this week’s episode of the IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective podcast is all about.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

In this episode, you’ll discover:

What “self-deception” means and why it’s so sneaky
How being “in the box” hurts your relationship with your teen
The trap parents fall into when they try to fix their teen
A simple shift that can rebuild trust and connection
Real stories from football, family, and everyday parenting

What Is “Self-Deception”?

Self-deception happens when we trick ourselves without knowing it.
It’s when we blame others instead of looking at our own part in the problem.

As parents, this shows up when we say things like:

“My teen is so disrespectful.”
“They never listen.”
“I’ve tried everything, and they just don’t care.”

But what if your teen isn’t the only one stuck?
What if you’re both trapped in the same cycle — each one seeing the other as the problem?

How “Being in the Box” Shows Up

In the book Leadership and Self-Deception, there’s an idea called being in the box.
It means seeing people as objects instead of as humans with feelings, hopes, and struggles.

When you’re in the box toward your teen, you might see:

Disrespect instead of stress
Laziness instead of fear
Attitude instead of pain

And once you see them that way, everything they do seems to prove your view right.
That’s how the cycle keeps going.

Breaking the Cycle

The good news?
You can get out of the box — and when you do, everything changes.

It starts with awareness.
Once you see your part in the pattern, you can choose a new way to respond.

Ben shares how this showed up in football. He caught himself blaming his players for mistakes.
But when he stopped seeing them as “the problem,” he was able to coach better — and they grew stronger together.

The same is true at home.
When you stop seeing your teen as the problem, you open the door for connection.

A Simple Shift

Next time you feel frustrated with your teen, pause and ask:

“What’s my part in this?”

You might realize that your frustration is an invitation to look inward — to change how you show up.
This doesn’t mean your teen is perfect. It means you have power.
And that’s where real change begins.

Final Thoughts

You can’t fix your teen.
But you can change how you see and respond to them.
And when you do, your relationship will start to heal.

If you want to go deeper, listen to Episode 280 of the IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective podcast.
You’ll learn how awareness, compassion, and humility can rebuild the trust that self-deception slowly breaks down.

Because parenting isn’t about being perfect — it’s about being aware, connected, and real.

Want Help?

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Whether you’re a parent or a teen, I offer free coaching calls to help you get started.

Book a free call today: https://benpughcoaching.com/mini

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
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#153 – Top 10 Parenting Secrets: #5 Self-Connection & Inner-Wisdom

My Favorite Things to Teach

I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.

In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.

So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.

And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.

Self-Connection vs Self-Deception

One of my all-time favorite books is Leadership and Self-Deception, by the Arbinger Institute.

The book talks about is Self-Deception and Self-Betrayal.

Basically, self-deception is betraying yourself by doing something contrary to what you feel inspired to do.

The book defines it like this:
SELF-BETRAYAL

An act contrary to what one feels he or she should do for another person is self-betrayal.
Self-betrayal leads to self-deception which leads us into “the box”.
Being “in the box” affects everything we do!

One of the Biggest Problems Parents Face

One of the biggest problems that parents face is that they are in self-deception and self-betrayal.

In other words, they are not living how they want to live.

If you’ve ever told your teen, “Do as I say, not as I do,” you’re probably living in self-deception.

This creates a lack of self-connection.

Lack of self-connection impacts not only what you do as a parent, but how you think and feel as well.

You probably lack self-connection if you’ve ever felt lost and confused as a parent or trapped and stuck.

The Answer is The Opposite of Most Parenting Advice

If you’re struggling with a lack of self-connection, you might feel lost as a parent, or often frustrated, or maybe even like you don’t even want to be on this ride anymore, and the problem is, most parenting advice actually makes things worse by perpetuating the lack of self-connection.

Most parenting advice has you focus on DOING certain things to get your teen to change, which is exactly what causes the disconnect, so if you want to feel empowered, and happier, or if you just want to enjoy parenting more, start by increasing your self-connection.

Stop focusing on how to get your teen to follow the rules, get better grades, or be happy and confident, and instead, focus on WHO YOU WANT TO BE as a parent!

Connect with the version of you that you always wanted to be.

Building Self-Connection Increases Wisdom

One of the things that I hear parents say all of the time is, “I don’t know what to do.”

Another variation that I hear is, “I feel lost as a mom.”

And, yet another variation is, “I feel like I’m out of control.”

This comes from a lack of self-connection.

You “don’t know what to do” because you aren’t in touch with your inner-wisdom.

If you’re not used to listening to and trusting your own wisdom, you’ll feel lost and out of control.

As you build self-connection, you’ll tap into your inner-wisdom.

You’ll feel confident.

You’ll feel inspired and wise.

This will change EVERYTHING!

Simple Steps for Building Self-Connection

#1 Connect with Your Mind

Get to know how you think, what you believe, and even what’s going on subconsciously below the surface.

The more awareness you have about how your mind works, the more intentional you’ll be able to be about how YOU work your mind.

For this, I like doing thought downloads.

If you can sit down and write out your thoughts, for just 5-20 minutes, you’ll be shocked at what is going on in your head.

#2 Connect with Your Emotions

Emotional Health is the ability to experience any and ALL emotions.

Everyone has emotional health.

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to IDENTIFY what you’re feeling and UNDERSTAND WHY you’re feeling that way.

If you think you only ever feel anxious, overwhelmed, or frustrated, then you should work on your emotional intelligence.

Periodically, take time to do an emotional inventory. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling and why?”

The better you connect emotionally, the better you’ll be able to handle uncomfortable emotions, and the better you’ll be able to create even more desired emotions.

#3 Start Trusting Your Wisdom

For this, I recommend that you get quiet.

Sit in silence and explore your thoughts.

Manage your attention and quiet your thinking mind and tap into your own wisdom.

Members of the membership have told me just how shocked they are at how freely answers come when they turn their attention inward.

You have ALL the answers you need. You just need to make time and space to notice them.

When you get good at listening to your wisdom, trusting your wisdom, and letting it guide your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you’ll be shocked at how much clarity you get, especially in “tough” parenting moments.

Far too often, parents trust outside sources, a parenting book, podcast, or their favorite life coach.

Oh the irony, right?

I’m inviting you to let go of the outside noice

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