Episode 224: The Most Powerful Relationship You Can Build with Your Teen

Disconnected Parents and Teens

One of the biggest problems I often hear from parents of teens is a lack of connection with their teen.

Honestly, I actually hear about this from teens as well, they just use different words than their parents do.

For example, a parent will come out and say, “I don’t feel like me and my teen have a good relationship.” or, “I don’t feel like we have a good connection.” Teens on the other hand say things like, “My parents don’t get me.” or, “My parents don’t even care about me.”

The truth is, both parents and teens are feeling this disconnection between each other. And, it’s not just you, and it’s not just us in the US. This is a problem parents and teens are facing all over the world.

Disconnected Parents and Teens

One of the biggest problems I often hear from parents of teens is a lack of connection with their teen.

Honestly, I actually hear about this from teens as well, they just use different words than their parents do.

For example, a parent will come out and say, “I don’t feel like me and my teen have a good relationship.” or, “I don’t feel like we have a good connection.” Teens on the other hand say things like, “My parents don’t get me.” or, “My parents don’t even care about me.”

The truth is, both parents and teens are feeling this disconnection between each other. And, it’s not just you, and it’s not just us in the US. This is a problem parents and teens are facing all over the world.

What’s Causing the Disconnect?

If you want to help me fix this problem, you need to understand what’s causing this disconnect.

It actually makes a lot of sense that parents and teens are experiencing this disconnect for a few different reasons:

This is often the only or main message that we get from the media when it comes to parent and teen relationships. TV, movies, and social media often portray a sense of parents vs. teens.
Parents and teens DO in fact have different values, and most parents and teens make the mistake of focusing more on their different/conflicting values than they do on the values that they actually have in common.
A lot of parents were raised by parents who focused on the differences between parent and teen’s values, and as a result, a lot of parents were raised with a disconnected relationship between themselves and their parents. So, this is the only way they know how to connect with their teen.

Parent/Teen Disconnection Doesn’t Have to Be Your Reality

If it were true that parents and teens have nothing in common, there would be no parents who have great relationships with their teens.

If it were true that parents couldn’t repair their relationships, there wouldn’t be countless parents who have improved and completely fixed their relationships with their teens.

The truth is, there are parents all over the world who have found ways to connect with their teens and who have found ways to improve their relationships, even when they don’t agree on everything.

There’s a Better Way!

Fortunately, you and your teen have way more in common that you realize.

There’s a process I teach inside the membership called, Building Values Based Relationships.

And, if you’re like the parents I work with, when you start building values based relationships with your teen, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll be able to repair and improve any relationship with your teen, and you’ll be surprised just how much you two actually do have in common.

Building Values Based Relationships

Inside my membership, I teach you a simple process of identifying and understanding your own values, which helps you better identify and understand your teen’s values. I then help you find ways to start connecting with your teen based on THEIR values.

If you think about it, this is actually something that children do naturally. For example, I remember sitting down to watch college football when my oldest son was just a toddler. I remember him hopping on my lap, cuddling with me, and watching football. I even remember him yelling at the TV because of a “bad” call or celebrating a good play, because that’s what he’d seen me do.

He didn’t value football at the time. He simply noticed that it was something that I valued, and he made an effort to connect with me over my value of football.

Do You Want A Better Relationship with Your Teen?

Now that you understand this, you need to ask yourself a question.

Do you want to keep feeling disconnected from your teen, or do you want to start building values based relationships so you and your teen can be deeply connected and actually feel pulled closer together?

If you want to keep feeling disconnected from your teen, that’s easy. Keep doing what you’re doing.

But, if you’re the type of parent who wants a deep, loving, relationship with your teen, and you want to find ways to empower them and connect with them, now’s the time to start building that connection by Building Values Based Relationships.

TAKE THE QUIZ

Episode 223: Parenting Myth: It’s My Teen’s Fault Our Relationship Is Bad

Parenting Myth: My Teen’s Poor Behavior is Responsible for How I Parent.

There’s a common belief among parents that their poor relationship with their teen is their teen’s fault. I get it. I’ve fallen into this trap before and blamed my teen for how I was feeling towards them and even for how I treated them.

It actually makes sense that you might think this way, because there are a lot of parents out there who think this way. In fact, recently in a parenting group, not mine, but one that I’m a member of, a mom went off venting about her teen and blaming her teen for her parenting struggles, and to make things worse, most of the comments on the post supported this mother’s belief that her daughter was to blame for her poor relationship with her.

But, I want you to think about this . . .

. . . If how you parent is your teen’s fault, there would be nothing that you could do to be a better parent. You would always be at the mercy of your teen and their behavior. Fortunately, it’s not your job to control your teen, and it’s not your teen’s job to control you and your parenting.

An Empowering Truth: You’re Responsible for How You Parent!

If you’re like most parents, when you parent in reaction to your teen’s behavior, you probably aren’t happy with the way you parent.

In fact, you might even feel bad or guilty about your parenting.

If you want to be happy in your parenting, you need to learn to intentionally BE the Parent of Your Dreams, regardless of your teen’s choices.

Think about it. How many times has your teen done something that triggered your old parenting habits to take over? Then, you yell, scream, maybe even say things you regret, and then you feel ashamed of your parenting.

This leads to unhappiness in your parenting. And, when you believe that it’s all your teen’s fault, that’s disempowering, which leaves you now feeling ashamed and powerless.

Thankfully, there’s a better way! Imagine this . . .

. . . Your teen does whatever they do that normally triggers your old parenting habits, BUT this time, rather than losing your cool and yelling, screaming and saying things that you regret, instead you take responsibility for how you’re feeling. So, you figure, “I might as well keep my cool,” you approach the situation with curiosity and compassion. Then you realize, when you do this it’s easier to love your teen, which really helps YOU have a good relationship with your teen.

Now, you can totally be disappointed in your teen, but still totally loving them AND proud of the way you handled the situation.

Ask a Powerful Question!

So, ask yourself, “Do I want to keep losing control of myself as a parent everytime my teen does something I don’t like, or do I want to be in control and parent with intention in these moments?”

Or ask yourself, “Do I want to keep blaming my teen and keep being the victim? Or, do I want to take responsibility for me, my parenting, and my relationship with my teen, and be empowered?”

It boils down to this, . . .

Do you want to improve your relationship with your teen or not?

If you answered “YES”, then it’s time to take responsibility for your parenting. It’s time to stop blaming your teen and start BEing responsible for you and your parenting.

Now’s the time!

Let me help you!

REGISTER

Episode 222: Stop Trying to Change Your Teen and Start Empower Them

Why Is No One Talking About This?

Just the other day I saw a parenting “Expert” talk about “Making your teen trust you.”

She said, that “One of your many jobs as a parent is to make sure your teen trusts you.”

The only problem is that that’s completely out of your control. I remember doing everything I could to help my foster kids, my students, and my own kids trust me. Sometimes the truth is, you’re the parent, and sometimes teens don’t trust parents, no matter what you do.

Recently I heard another parenting coach promoting a handful of secrets to get your kids to obey your rules. Again, the focus is on something outside of your control as a parent.

Another parenting expert shared something to the effect of, “How to Make Your Teen Care About School.”

The truth is, when you focus on controlling your teen, you disempower them and yourself.

You Can’t Change, Control, or Fix Your Teen

Luckily for you and me, we know that trying to change your teen is like trying to stop the tide. It’s not going to happen, and it’s a complete waste of your energy.

One of the things that shocks some parents who come to me is when I start asking them questions that lead them down the path of exploring what’s in their control and what’s not in their control.

One of my favorite questions is, “What would it take for you to actually control (fill in the blank)?” Then I highlight the thing outside of the parent’s control.

One of my favorite answers from a dad who was head of anesthesiology at his hospital was, “I could keep my kids medically sedated for months at a time.”

I asked why he didn’t, and his response was that it’s highly illegal and that the main reason is because they’d never grow up and leave his basement.

The truth is, you can’t control your teen, and if you did, they would never grow up.

So, rather than trying to control your teen, start empowering your teen.

Shift Your Focus

For some parents this is a hard shift in focus. They’ve spent so much of their energy trying to gain control, that letting go feels scary and disempowering.

In fact, I’ve had some parents that letting go resulted in a complete loss of self identity. Outside of controlling their teen, adopting their teen’s results as their identity, they had nothing else.

This is incredibly disempowering to both you and your teen.

So, I invite you to find ways to shift your focus. Rather than seeking control over your teen, explore how to empower your teen.

One tool that can help you with this is the T-Chart of Control. This can help you identify what things are within your control and what things are outside your control.

When things are outside of your control, let your teen control them. This will empower them.

When things are within your control, give those things your attention and energy.

The Consequence Quadrant

One of the things that I’ve been teaching lately, I’ve called the Consequence Quadrant.

This is something that I’ve been teaching to parents and teens.

And, both parents and teens agree, which should tell you something, that the Consequence Quadrant is empowering.

You see, when both you and your teen are on the same page, and you both understand the possible positive and negative NATURAL consequences, and when you both agree upon negative and positive enforced consequences, it’s empowering to BOTH you and your teen.

It’ll help you better understand what your teen is dealing with, and it will help your teen take the time to consciously think about the consequences from different perspectives, angles, and levels.

That’s empowering!

Empower YOU and Your Teen

Unfortunately, the way I see it, there’s a bigger focus on disempowering teens, controlling teens, and getting them to obey than there is on empowering teens.

I see it in school, on social media, in religion, and even in football.

But, I promise you, YOU can make a difference.

You can be the voice of reason.

You can be the one who goes against the grain.

You can be the one that sheds light on a problem that no one else is recognizing right now.

You can be the one to take your power back and to empower your teen.

And if you want help empowering your teen, I’ve got you!

REGISTER

#035 Manipulation, People-Pleasing, and Manuals!

People-Pleasing is nothing more than socially acceptable manipulation.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
~ Lao Tzu

What is Manipulation?

Trying to change or control other peoples’ actions, feelings, and/or thoughts according to our own desires. Often times we manipulate our teens by trying to get them to feel negative emotions, like shame, guilt, or sadness.

Manipulation is a human skill that can be used for good and for bad.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-Pleasing is when we do something that we do not want to do in an effort to please someone else. People-Pleasing is socially acceptable manipulation. We we do it, we are trying to manipulate how the other person thinks and feels. It is lying, and it is typically a one sided sacrifice.

Often times, as parents, we are guilty of trying to manipulate our kids into people pleasing. We want them to eat certain foods to make grandma happy. We want them to do certain things that they don’t want to, because we think it will make the someone else feel better, but deep down we are hoping it will make us feel better.

Often times we are guilty of wanting others to People-Please us.

What are Manuals?

A manual is what we want someone else to do. It’s how we think they “should” think, feel, or act. We think that if the other person simply did what we wanted them to, we would feel a certain way.

Everyone has manuals. We have manuals for how we think our teens should behave. Our teens have manuals for how they think their parents should behave. It’s part of being human, but the more aware we are of our manuals for others, and other’s manuals for us, the more emotional suffering we can avoid.

So Now What?

#1 Increase Your Awareness.

Manipulation, People-Pleasing, and Manuals all have one thing in common . . .

They are all efforts to control or change someone else or something outside of your control.

It’s important to be aware of these, both when others are trying to control you, and when you are trying to control someone else.

As you increase your awareness, you will likely notice two things; you will see it when others are doing this to you, and you will see it when you are trying to do it to others.

#2 Increase Your Intentionality

I say this all the time, but be the change you want to see!

You can’t change your teen, your parents, your spouse, or your in-laws, but you CAN, 100%, change you.

Rather than focusing on what you want THEM to do differently (dropping their manuals or their manipulating ways) focus on what YOU can control (dropping your manuals or your manipulating ways).

Be intentional about how you parent your teens.

This will empower you. This will help you reconnect with your teen.

Often we are guilty of perpetuating People-Pleasing when we teach our kids to worry about “hurting someone’s feelings” or “making them feel bad.”

#3 Choose Love and Compassion

It’s not our job to get others to quit manipulating, people-pleasing, or to drop their manuals. That would be manipulating them to follow our manual.

But, WE DO NOT have to be the victim. We are not responsible for others’ emotions. We get to live our lives, how we want, and we can be committed to loving the other person no matter what.

Call to ACTION!

Get on a FREE consultation call with me today to see how you can stop pushing your teen away and start connecting with them right where they are.

FREE Consultation With Me!

#034 Are YOU Driving Your Teen Away?

When we try to change or fix our teens, we only push them away!

“Quit fixing and start believing in others. [ . . .] You can give them the benefit of your experiences but you can’t give them experience. They need their own experiences and lessons to develop.”
~ Marcia Reynolds Psy.D.

Why Do We “Need” to Fix Others?

I want to start out by saying that human beings are fixers!

We love to fix things!

As parents, many of us have come to believe that it is our job to fix our teens. Coupled with our years of experience and all our time, love and resources invested on our kids, we think we have the duty and right to change and fix our teens.

When we try to fix or change our teens, what it really means is that we think there is something wrong with them and that they are not good enough.

Our teens often feel like there is something wrong with them and that they are not good enough.

As parents we often feel shame, embarrassment, frustration when we think that our teen “should be . . . “

How This Often Looks In The Model

Believe it or not, this is the #1 problem that parents come to me for help with. Their teen is “pulling away,” or “We’re not close anymore. We just don’t like each other,” or “I can’t watch them throw their life away!”

Here’s a recent model with one of my clients:
Circumstance- Son’s friends smoke weed.
Thought- My son needs better friends or he’ll ruin his life.
Feeling- Fear
Action- Ban his friends from our house.
Result- I push my son away.

Circumstance- Daughter gets a D in math
Thought- She should be getting A’s in math.
Feeling- Frustration
Action- Ground her for a week.
Result- I’m trying to fix my daughter.

When we try to fix them, we’re actually pushing them away

Often times our teen adopt our thoughts and beliefs into their own models.

Circumstance- Friends smoke weed.
Thought- I need better friends or I’ll ruin my life.
Feeling- Fear
Action- Worry that my friends will ruin my life.
Result- Struggle making friends.

Circumstance- I got a D in math
Thought- I should be getting A’s in math.
Feeling- shame
Action- Negative self talk like, “I’m stupid.”
Result- Don’t try in classes.

Trying to fix our teens often has the opposite affect. In fact, trying to fix or change them often supports their suspicion that they are not good enough.

Here’s 2 Things You Can Do Instead

#1 Connect With Your Teen Right Where They Are!

I know it’s hard. We want our teens to have the best possible life. And, sometimes it’s hard to see how things will work out in the end when their current circumstances seem so bleak.

BUT, I promise things WILL work out for the best! ALWAYS!!

Every circumstance that you experience with your teen is an opportunity for connection.

Your teen has friends that smoke weed . . .

. . . Find a way to connect with them right there!

Your teen is struggling in school . . .

. . . Find a way to connect with them right there!

Rather than trying to fix them, connect with them.

Sure, you can invite them to change, but I promise connecting with them will have a more powerful impact in their life!

#2 Shift Your Focus to YOU!

I say this all the time, but be the change you want to see!

You can’t change your teen, but you CAN, 100%, change you.

Rather than focusing on what you want THEM to do differently, focus on what you want YOU to do differently.

This will empower you. This will help you reconnect with your teen.

Call to ACTION!

Get on a FREE consultation call with me today to see how you can stop pushing your teen away and start connecting with them right where they are.

FREE Consultation With Me!