Episode 224: The Most Powerful Relationship You Can Build with Your Teen
Disconnected Parents and Teens
One of the biggest problems I often hear from parents of teens is a lack of connection with their teen.
Honestly, I actually hear about this from teens as well, they just use different words than their parents do.
For example, a parent will come out and say, “I don’t feel like me and my teen have a good relationship.” or, “I don’t feel like we have a good connection.” Teens on the other hand say things like, “My parents don’t get me.” or, “My parents don’t even care about me.”
The truth is, both parents and teens are feeling this disconnection between each other. And, it’s not just you, and it’s not just us in the US. This is a problem parents and teens are facing all over the world.
Disconnected Parents and Teens
One of the biggest problems I often hear from parents of teens is a lack of connection with their teen.
Honestly, I actually hear about this from teens as well, they just use different words than their parents do.
For example, a parent will come out and say, “I don’t feel like me and my teen have a good relationship.” or, “I don’t feel like we have a good connection.” Teens on the other hand say things like, “My parents don’t get me.” or, “My parents don’t even care about me.”
The truth is, both parents and teens are feeling this disconnection between each other. And, it’s not just you, and it’s not just us in the US. This is a problem parents and teens are facing all over the world.
What’s Causing the Disconnect?
If you want to help me fix this problem, you need to understand what’s causing this disconnect.
It actually makes a lot of sense that parents and teens are experiencing this disconnect for a few different reasons:
This is often the only or main message that we get from the media when it comes to parent and teen relationships. TV, movies, and social media often portray a sense of parents vs. teens.
Parents and teens DO in fact have different values, and most parents and teens make the mistake of focusing more on their different/conflicting values than they do on the values that they actually have in common.
A lot of parents were raised by parents who focused on the differences between parent and teen’s values, and as a result, a lot of parents were raised with a disconnected relationship between themselves and their parents. So, this is the only way they know how to connect with their teen.
Parent/Teen Disconnection Doesn’t Have to Be Your Reality
If it were true that parents and teens have nothing in common, there would be no parents who have great relationships with their teens.
If it were true that parents couldn’t repair their relationships, there wouldn’t be countless parents who have improved and completely fixed their relationships with their teens.
The truth is, there are parents all over the world who have found ways to connect with their teens and who have found ways to improve their relationships, even when they don’t agree on everything.
There’s a Better Way!
Fortunately, you and your teen have way more in common that you realize.
There’s a process I teach inside the membership called, Building Values Based Relationships.
And, if you’re like the parents I work with, when you start building values based relationships with your teen, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll be able to repair and improve any relationship with your teen, and you’ll be surprised just how much you two actually do have in common.
Building Values Based Relationships
Inside my membership, I teach you a simple process of identifying and understanding your own values, which helps you better identify and understand your teen’s values. I then help you find ways to start connecting with your teen based on THEIR values.
If you think about it, this is actually something that children do naturally. For example, I remember sitting down to watch college football when my oldest son was just a toddler. I remember him hopping on my lap, cuddling with me, and watching football. I even remember him yelling at the TV because of a “bad” call or celebrating a good play, because that’s what he’d seen me do.
He didn’t value football at the time. He simply noticed that it was something that I valued, and he made an effort to connect with me over my value of football.
Do You Want A Better Relationship with Your Teen?
Now that you understand this, you need to ask yourself a question.
Do you want to keep feeling disconnected from your teen, or do you want to start building values based relationships so you and your teen can be deeply connected and actually feel pulled closer together?
If you want to keep feeling disconnected from your teen, that’s easy. Keep doing what you’re doing.
But, if you’re the type of parent who wants a deep, loving, relationship with your teen, and you want to find ways to empower them and connect with them, now’s the time to start building that connection by Building Values Based Relationships.
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your teen’s not listening!
I know, if you’re like me and like the parents that I coach, you’ve probably noticed that your teen doesn’t really listen to you as much as you’d like, and yet, if you’re like me you probably spend way to much time trying to tell them stuff when they’re not really listening to you.
“What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.”
~ Joseph Chilton Pearce
Fortunately, there’s a secret that most parents miss, that’s even more powerful than having your teen listen to you.
The secret is this . . .
You’re teen’s not listening, but they are watching you!
~ Ben Pugh
Your Teen IS Watching You!
I promise you, your teen is watching you.
This is one of the most empowering parenting secrets ever!
And, most parents completely miss it because they are so busy falling into the trap or lecturing, yelling, arguing, discussing, pleading, all the things just hoping that their teen will finally listen.
In today’s podcast, we’re going to talk about a few things that you’re modeling to your teen, through your behavior, that you might not be aware of.
This isn’t meant to be mean or hurtful, it’s just to help you open your awareness and understand what you’re modeling for your teen.
Once you have awareness, you now have the power to choose!
Things You’re Modeling for Your Teen, without Knowing
#1 How You Handle Stress
This one is huge. I can’t tell you how many parents have come to me asking me to help their teen better manage their stress. Then, when I talk to the parent, I learn that they struggle handling their stress too, and that’s where their teen learned it from.
This is a powerful place for you to BE The Change you want to see in your teen.
Your teen is watching you and how you handle stress. Do you rise to the occasion? Do you see yourself as bigger than your stressors? Or do you shrink in the face of stress. Do you see your problems as bigger than you?
#2 How You Manage Your Mind and Emotions
I know, this could basically cover the first one. But, it’s slightly different.
Whether you like it or not, whether you feel like you manage your mind and emotions or not, YOU ARE modeling that behavior.
This is powerful to understand. You have the power to manage your mind. You have the power to demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Most parents pass on their beliefs to their kids. They also pass on their same emotional habits. You get to choose what you’ll model when it comes to how you manage your mind and your emotions.
#3 How You Treat Yourself and Others
Again, a lot of parents have asked me to help their teen improve their self-esteem, only to find that it is the parent who needs help with their self-esteem.
How you treat yourself is the model for how your teen will likely treat themselves. How you treat them, will greatly impact how they treat themselves.
Give your teen the gift of modeling how to have a positive relationship with yourself and others.
#4 What You Value
If I were to spend about 5 minutes with you, I could give you a pretty accurate description of your top values. Your values always manifest in your results.
You are modeling your values for your teen.
Many times, your teen will learn to value your values, simply because you value them.
Be intentional about the things you value.
#5 How You Identify Obstacle and Opportunities
If you go through life seeing all the obstacles, but missing all of the opportunities, your teen will likely follow your lead and adopt the victim mindset as their main mindset.
If you practice seen the opportunities that come from the obstacles, your teen will follow your example and adopt the hero mindset as their main mindset.
You’re teen isn’t listening, but they are watching you.
Whether you realize it or not, you are a powerful example in their life.
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If you’re like most parents, you probably struggle with outdated parenting programming.
In fact, if you and your teen are struggling in your relationship, chances are this is a sign that you have some old programming that is no longer serving you.
#1 Don’t Be Ashamed
You don’t need to be ashamed of your old parenting programming.
Feeling shame about yourself isn’t going to help you create the change that you are looking for.
So, rather than feeling ashamed, be grateful that your old programming has gotten you this far. Understand that you didn’t choose to be programmed this way. Others in your life, parents, siblings, families members, neighbors, community members, friends, teachers, everyone has unintentionally added to your programming.
It’s not a problem, it’s simply a part of being human.
Our mind is seeking to create programs and patterns to follow. It’s okay.
When you can get past the shame, it will be easier to work through this process.
#2 Awareness
I love awareness. It’s easy and it’s powerful.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t un-see that”?
Often that’s referring to a new awareness. It’s like those old illusion pictures of an ugly old woman or a beautiful young lady. In the beginning, you can only see the one that you can see, but once you’ve been shown the other image, you can’t unsee it. You always are aware that it’s there.
When I coach people on creating change, often awareness is the first step that I’ll walk them through.
For example, if you wanted to lose weight, we’d spend the first week or two simply gaining awareness. For example:
How much do you weigh?
What type of food are you eating?
How many calories are you eating?
What types of food do you like to eat?
Is there anything healthy that you could eat everyday?
How much sleep are you getting?
How much sleep do you need?
How active are you?
I would start observing and questioning everything when it comes to your old programming. For example, if you caught yourself yelling at your teen, you might say to your self, “That’s interesting. Why am I so upset? Why am I yelling? Where did I learn to yell? How do I feel when people yell at me? What are some alternatives to yelling?”
You see, the goal is to simply explore and understand.
This can be hard because most people to skip awareness and go straight to intention. It’s also hard to look at your life and see what’s really going on.
You’re not working on creating change here, just on gaining awareness.
It’s easier than creating change, and when you get to creating change, your efforts will be more informed.
#3 Acceptance
This is related to #1, Don’t Be Ashamed, but it takes it one step further.
You can’t go back in time and completely avoid your old programming. You can’t change your past, but you can accept your past as a necessary step that got you here.
Acceptance is HUGE. It will help you embrace your past experience, and even use it to help you let go and move forward.
When I was 13, I accidentally lit my school bus on fire with rubber cement. There’s no going back. I can’t undo that. In fact, I wouldn’t even if I could.
I’ve accepted that part of my past. I’ve embraced it, and I use it to help me move forward. It’s a part of who I am, and it helps me be who I want to be.
You’re not perfect. You’ve done things according to your old programming that you wish that you could take back. But, when you accept that that old programming was you doing your best, you can build on it and improve your current programming thanks to your old experience.
This is a powerful process that will help you accept who you are and start to grow from a place of love, compassion, and confidence rather than from shame, guilt, and disgust.
#4 Intention
With awareness under your belt, you’re ready for to practice intention.
This is hard and can take time. Be patient with yourself and accept where you are today as an important step to where you want to be tomorrow.
Part of intention is understanding and knowing where you want to go.
It’s important to understand your old programming and to know exactly what programming you want to replace it with.
For example, when I was young I was programmed to believe the following about money:
It’s hard to get.
There’s never enough.
You have to work hard to get it.
Once you get it, you need to save it.
Now that I’m aware of my old programming, I’m more intentional about how I choose to think about money. For example, I know intentionally practice the following thoughts about money:
Money comes to me easily.
I have more than enough.
I can simply do what I love to attract money into my life.
Having money helps me help others.
By being intentional about my programming, I can choose how I program my subconscious mind.
You might have old programming like:
If my teen gets poor grades, it means I’m failing as his mom.
If my teen doesn’t obey me, they don’t respect me.
My teen won’t be successful if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
You might want to change the programming to be more like:
What my teen chooses to do in school is up to them, not me.
It’s possible for my teen to disobey me and still respect me.
My teen will be successful even if they don’t get good grades or complete high school.
#5 Practice Proving Your New Mentality
The last step is to practice proving the new programming. When you catch yourself in the old programming, find evidence disproving the old programming and proving the new programming.
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Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
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It’s sad, but most people never reach their New Year’s goals. In fact, less than 10% of people actually achieve their New Year’s goals by the end of the year.
If you’re like the many people who have the goal of improving their relationship with their teen, or maybe you just want to up level your parenting this year, I want to help you win at your parenting goals.
And, if you want to be one of the 10% of people who actually achieve their New Year’s goals, I want to give you some tips on how to make that happen.
If you want to learn more about goals and habits, checkout these podcasts after you’ve finished this one.
#1 Habits are The Missing Key to Achieving Your Goals
Okay, sometimes I say things that go against the main stream narrative, and this is no different.
While most people are focusing on their New Year’s goals, I’m over here preaching about the importance of HABITS.
If most people fail to reach their New Year’s goals, that’s a pretty good indicator that we’re missing something. Well, I believe that what we’re missing is habit.
So, when it comes to your New Year’s goals, I want to invite you to shift your focus from the big future goal, to the little daily habits that you’d need to accomplish your goal.
Some of questions to ask yourself to help you identify the habits you need to make your goals a reality are:
What habits will make achieving this goal easy?
If I already accomplished this goal, what are some of the habits that I’d be doing?
What am I willing to do regularly (maybe every day, or 5 days a week, or 4 times a month, whatever regularity is needed) to achieve this goal?
When you understand this, achieving your goal becomes much more doable. In fact, sometimes you can even forget about the goal and simply focus all of your energy on the habits.
#2 Make Your Habits Simple, Yet Powerful
Sometimes it’s easy to go crazy with habits. Like, I want to play basketball Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I want to life weights everyday, and I want to walk my dog, and I want to . . .
See how complicated we can make things?
If you make your habits simple, you’ll be more likely to do them. If you make them simple and powerful, you’ll be more likely to stick with them.
So, rather than the big long list of everything I want to do, I might make the simple habit of being active EVERY DAY. You could make a simple check list to make sure that you do at least one thing to be active each day. On days when you happen to do more than one, you could give yourself a simple reward.
One of my favorite and most simple and powerful habits is walking my dog. It’s simple because I don’t have to coordinate with other people. I just grab my dog and go. It’s powerful because it’s super rewarding. Walking my dog helps me feel good physically and emotionally. It’s fun. I enjoy hanging out with my dog. I get to do some of my best thinking while on our walk.
So, as you explore making habits to achieve your goals, make sure they’re simple and powerful.
#3 Find an Accountability Partner
I like this one because I don’t like doing anything alone. If you have an accountability partner, it’s going to be harder to give up when it gets rough. Plus, you’ll push yourself harder and your goals will be more top of mind.
There’s power in having an accountability partner that’s working towards the same or similar goals. So, maybe another mother or parent would be a great partner.
It’s also beneficial to have an accountability partner who’s already accomplished the goal your working for, so maybe a coach or a mentor.
But, there’s another kind of accountability partner that I think is underutilized, but super motivating, someone that your goal benefits beside yourself. For this, I often turn to my teens. If you have the goal of improving your relationship with your teen, and you’ve identified the habit of having 5 calm and interesting conversations with your teen each week, you might ask your teen to help you be accountable for that.
Maybe your habit is to do a thought download every night before bed, you could ask your teen to remind you and check in with you. Not only do teens make great accountability partners, they’re great at calling you our when you’re not doing something, right!?!, but it’s also an opportunity to model some powerful behaviors.
#4 Be Willing to Feel Uncomfortable
If you’re trying to create new habits, it’s going to get uncomfortable. That’s okay. Be willing to feel uncomfortable. Be willing to suck.
If you’re hoping a habit will help you accomplish a goal, it’s going to need to push you past your comfort zone.
This is exactly what you want.
When I start creating new habits, I often tell the people around me that, “I’m starting a new habit, and I might really suck at first, and I might even forget, but I’m going to struggle my way through this as long as it takes.”
That way I’m creating accountability, and committing to discomfort.
#5 Make it Fun and Rewarding
If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably have heard me say that things should be a PARTY With A PURPOSE!
This is no different.
I don’t know why so many adults want to make life so dang boring and dull.
If you want to make habits that you’ll stick with, make them fun. My favorite way to exercise is playing basketball. I like winning, so it’s fun when I’m winning, but it’s most fun when my friends show up and play.
Find ways to make your habits fun. It’s important. Not only will you stick with the habit longer, but you’ll also give it a better effort and energy if you’re having fun.
Also, when people have a hard time breaking old habits, one of the biggest reasons they struggle is because the old habit is benefiting them. Use this principle, that usually works against people trying to break old habits, in your favor.
Make your habit rewarding. If you’re getting a benefit from your habit in the form of a reward, it will be easier to stick with the habit.
Bottom Line
This is the year. Don’t put off your goals and dreams, especially when it comes to parenting, any longer.
Go all in on your dreams. You’ve got this, and want support, I’m here for you!
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by filling in the form below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Wednesday, January 24th, @ 12:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with ME!!
Your mindset is one of the most important parts of your relationship with your teen.
If you want a better relationship with your teen, start building a better better mindset.
Could you imagine if your iPhone was running on the same programming as the first generation iPhone. It’d be so slow, outdated, and unfunctional.
If you want to make 2024 the best year with your teen, here are some powerful mindset shifts to help you do it.
Old Mindset #1 There’s something WRONG with teens these days!
Okay, we got this when we were teens.
Remember old people saying, “There’s something WRONG with teens these days!”? They’d follow that by calling us lazy, self absorbed, and other derogatory remarks.
I remember complaining about this to my dad, and he told me people complained about him and other teens way back when he was a teen.
It’s an old mindset. Older people complain about teens. We’ve probably been doing it since the dinosaurs. We’re programmed that way, but you can change your programming.
And, if you believe that there’s something wrong with your teen, it’s time to shift that mindset to something more powerful.
New Mindset #1 Teens are amazing, and they’re highly capable!
I’ve recently found out that this is actually one of the reasons I’m able to connect with teens so well. I was recently playing basketball with a bunch of teens and only 2 other adults. It was fun. After our several games, one of the teens told me that he like being on my team because I’m different from most adults. When I asked how I’m different, he said, “You actually like us and treat us like were capable human beings.”
I don’t know where I learned this, but it helped my as a foster dad, principal, teen life coach, and as a dad.
I promise you, your teen is amazing, and they are highly capable human beings.
If you adopt this updated mindset with your teen, I promise you it will make your parenting so much easier in 2024.
Recently we were faced with a mild problem in my home with one of my teens. My wife asked me, “What should we do?” I replied, “I don’t know, but let’s just let him figure it out. He’s capable.”
And guess what. He totally figured it out all on his own.
I was confident in letting him tackle his own problem for 2 powerful reasons. #1, I see him as being highly capable and I trust him, and #2 I’m on this empower the teens kick and I saw this as an opportunity for me to empower him to grow.
If you want to shock your friends, and seem about 100 years younger to your teens, when “old” people complain about “teens these days,” be the one to stand up for teens and talk about how amazing they are and all the awesome things they’re accomplishing.
Old Mindset #2 Parenting teens is hard and it sucks!
Okay, I hear this one all of the time, and it’s killing me!
Multiple times over Christmas break, I heard parents complaining about how hard it is raising teens and how much it sucks, as if it’s an unchangeable fact of life that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
In once instance, I mentioned that I LOVE raising teens because it’s so much fun, and people looked at me like I was crazy.
In an other instance, the parents were doing that comparison thing to see who’s got it worse. It’s like they wanted to one-up the other parent and have the harder parenting teen story.
This is old programming, and it’s going to make it hard to have a better 2024 if you continue to believe that parenting teens is hard and it sucks.
New Mindset #2 Parenting teens is exciting and fun!
Here’s a new mindset to try. What if parenting teens is actually exciting and fun? It’s just that you didn’t know it yet. You’ve spent the parenting teen years proving the old belief that it’s hard and it sucks, but now you can start proving just how exciting and fun it is.
I truly love raising teens. It’s so much fun. My wife and I were foster parents for a couple of really young kids, like between 2-5, but they were developmentally much younger. It was during that time that we realized, parenting teens is way better than changing diapers.
One of my top values is having fun. I believe almost everything could and should be a party with a purpose.
If you’re not having fun parenting your teen, your teen’s probably not having fun being parented by you.
Just imagine, how your parenting would be different if you perceived it as being exciting and fun.
Old Mindset #3 My teen needs to change to improve our relationship.
This is one of the mindsets that I see the most often when parents come to me wanting me to work with their teens, which I really do love working with teens, but if you’re not willing to change as a parent, any change your teen creates will be short lived and likely not enough.
It’s part of our programming as humans to focus more on what we think others should do to change, than on what we could actually do to change.
I see this happening in families and in schools. The focus seems to be on fixing, changing, and even controlling the teen. Parents often thing that if they could simply change their teen that they’d have a better relationship with them. School seem to think that if they could just get their students (teens) to care more or be more responsible, or more controllable, then schools wouldn’t be failing.
The problem with this old mindset is that it positions you as the victim, at the mercy of this thing (your teen) outside of your control.
Lucky for you, there’s a much more powerful mindset that will be a game changer in 2024.
New Mindset #3 If I want an improved relationship with my teen, I can BE The Change!
If you want a better relationship with your teen, commit to BEING the Change you’ve been looking for.
This will actually shift you from a victim mindset to a hero and creator mindset.
Just imagine if you spent all of 2024 finding ways to BE the Change rather than trying to change your teen. What impact would that have on your life? What impact would that have on your teen’s life?
The truth is, if you want 2024 to be amazing, it’s up to you to make it so.
These old outdated mindsets will keep you stuck. But, if you can shift these mindsets, you’ll have the best year ever with your teen.
Want to Ask Ben Anything when it comes to parenting?
Step 1 – Register for the live Ask Ben Anything webinar by clicking the button below!
Step 2 – Add the date and time to your calendar so you don’t miss out.
Tuesday, January 9th, @ 4:00 pm MST
Step 3- Show up to the webinar with your favorite beverage (mine’s diet Dr. Pepper) and enjoy hanging out with Ben!
