If you’ve been listening to me lately, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Victim Mentality.
Recently a lot of parents have talked to me about their teen, or even their spouse, being in the victim mentality.
Some have asked, “How do I get my teen out of the victim mentality?”
We’ll get to that, but first, there’s some important things I want you to understand about the victim mentality.
Understand the Victim Mentality
First off, the victim mentality is part of being human. Because of the brain that we have, which is capable of really complex thoughts, we as humans have the capability of getting into the victim mentality, including your teen.
“Everyone gets in the victim mentality from time to time. It’s part of being human. But, once you’re aware of it, you now have the power to choose whether or not you want to stay in the victim mentality or leave it for the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
Plus, with it being a common human condition, it’s important to realize that as herd animals, it’s easy to fall into the trap of the victim mentality when that’s the predominate mentality of our current society.
Also keep in mind, most people aren’t aware that they’re in the victim mentality. Once you gain awareness, it’s catching yourself in the victim mentality, and reaping the results of this mentality that help motivate you to move from the victim mentality to the hero mentality.
In other words, you teen needs their experience in the victim mentality to help motivate them to move to the hero mentality on their own.
Also, just because we see them as the victim does not mean that they want us to swoop in as their hero.
And, technically, if you’re focused on your teen’s mindset, and trying to fix them, you are focused on things outside of your control, which indicates that you too are in the victim mentality.
What Is the Victim Mentality?
“I talk about 3 different mentalities: the victim mentality, the hero mentality, and the creator mentality. The reality is, you are always the creator, whether you realize it or not, but what you create is determined by whether you’re in the victim mentality or the hero mentality.”
Ben Pugh
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
What’s the Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You find opportunities
You’re grateful for trials and struggles
You embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
It’s a Choice
“It can be hard to get out of the victim mentality. It’s as simple as a choice, but it’s hard when it’s how you’ve been trained to think, and it’s the mentality that you see most prominently around you.”
Ben Pugh
The truth is, you have the power to choose how you will think, but first you have to develop awareness. Once you have awareness around your mindset, you then have the power to choose, which mentality will be your mindset.
It can be humbling to realize that when you are in the victim mentality, you’re choosing that mentality.
But, it’s empowering to realize that you have the power to choose to switch your mindset to the hero mentality.
You Are Only Responsible for YOUR Mindset
I’m sorry to break this to you, but you can’t get your teen out of the victim mindset for them. Doesn’t matter if it’s your teen or your spouse, they have to do this all on their own.
And, this might actually be one of the biggest traps that parents fall into, trying to control your teen’s mindset, because it’s something outside of your control, and if you’re trying to manage your teen’s mindset, you’re not managing your own.
But their are ways to support them in shifting their mindset; you just can’t do it for them.
“It’s not your job to get anyone else out of the victim mindset; not your teen, not your spouse, not anyone but yourself. If others around you are in the victim mindset, be the shining example of being in the hero mindset.”
Ben Pugh
The most powerful way to support your teen in getting out of their victim mentality is for you to manage your mindset!
You can teach them, you can punish them, and you can bribe them, but the most powerful thing you can do is be an example of the hero mindset.
Practice and Model the Hero Mentality
I think that practicing new skills is hugely underutilized and under appreciated.
If you want to think differently, you have to train your mind to think differently.
Seriously, practice reprogramming your mind to see the world through the hero mindset.
For this, I like to use the Wheel of Life.
When you’re on the top of the wheel, catch yourself BEING the hero. Pat yourself on the back when you catch yourself seeing opportunities when others see obstacles.
Really use the top of the wheel to practice the hero mentality.
And, when you catch yourself on the bottom of the wheel, maybe you’re focusing on things outside of your control or only seeing obstacles, intentionally explore and seek to understand why you’re in the victim mentality.
With that awareness, you can then start practicing the choice of intentionally shifting your focus to things within your control.
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Lately I’ve felt directed to discuss things concerning spirituality.
I’ll do a podcast on spirituality, what it is, what it isn’t, what it’s often confused with, especially in religion, and more.
But this episode isn’t specifically about spirituality, but it is about something that will help deeper connect you with things of a spiritual nature.
So, as you listen, try to listen for things that ignite your soul.
3 Mentalities
When I was a principal, there was a time when we had a poster hung up above the cafeteria doors that said something like.
Victims see only obstacles, while heroes see only opportunities.
I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like that.
I remember that it jarred me at the moment.
At that moment, I remember being very focused on the obstacles in my life as a principal.
I remember feeling very frustrated and defeated, and I realized that I was totally in the victim mentality.
So, I started questioning, “What opportunities am I missing?”
Instantly, my mind was flooded with opportunities that I had previously been blind to.
This time in my life was an opportunity to delegate more responsibility to my staff and my students.
It was an opportunity to train and level up people around me.
It was an opportunity to let go of things out of my control.
That little sign completely changed my reality.
Since then, I’ve come to realize that there’s 3 mentalities; Victim Mentality, Hero Mentality, and the Creator Mentality.
I came to this realization a couple months ago while on a walk with my wife and my dog.
I remember having my mind blown wide open.
I happened to have a group coaching call right after the walk and I instantly taught my members this concept.
Now, I want to teach it to you.
Victim Mentality
This is the mentality that most of the world is stuck in.
In the victim mentality, you see the world as happening TO you or AGAINST you.
You’ll know your stuck in the victim mentality if you catch yourself doing the following:
Complaining about things outside of your control
Blaming
Criticizing
Making excuses
Living out of integrity with who you want to be
You feel powerless, frustrated, and discouraged.
Simple right?
WRONG!
The victim mentality might be simple to identify (especially in others), but it can be tricky to escape.
It’s a mindset, a lens through which you see the world around you.
The victim mentality is a way of being, based on your habitual ways of thinking and feeling.
This is the mindset that a lot of the world is stuck in.
I get stuck in this, especially when I’m coaching football, and I start blaming the refs, or criticizing them and making excuses.
And, this mentality holds me back from being who I want to be, and it will keep you from being the parent of your dreams.
One of the things that I often hear from parents, is this desire to get their teens out of the victim mentality.
I get it. I often want to get my own kids out of the victim mentality, but you can’t control someone else’s mentality.
But, you can control yours.
If you want your teen to get out of the victim mentality, you better make sure that you’re not stuck in the victim mentality.
Hero Mentality
Okay, so if the victim mentality is perceiving the world as happening TO you, the hero mentality is perceiving the world as happening FOR you.
This is a huge shift, and one that can happen in an instant, or it can take some time and some effort.
For me, I have to catch myself in the victim mentality and consciously shift my mindset by asking questions like, “How is this happening FOR me?” or “What are the opportunities that I’m missing?”
The hero mentality sees opportunities rather than obstacles.
You find ways to embrace your circumstances rather than avoiding them or blaming them on someone else.
You’ll know that you’ve made the shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality if:
You’ll find opportunities
You’ll be grateful for trials and struggles
You’ll embrace challenges
You feel optimistic, hopeful, and grateful.
Again, this is a mindset, and it’s a mindset that you can practice.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to catch yourself in the victim mentality and practice shifting that mentality to a hero mentality.
With practice this will become more and more natural for you.
Creator Mentality
So, let’s talk about the last and most powerful mentality.
I like to call it either creator mentality or the god mentality.
If the victim mentality is the world happening TO you, and the hero mentality is the world happening FOR you, the creator mentality is the world happening THROUGH you.
This means, that you look at your reality, your results, as something that’s come through you.
This can be a tough pill to swallow!
If you’re at a weight that you don’t want to be at, like I currently way between 245-250 lbs. I want to weigh 195-200 lbs. I created this reality.
The thing is, when you swallow this tough pill and you accept ownership of your reality, you embrace the power that you have to create a new and different reality.
You begin to see your hand in EVERYTHING.
You begin to see how you have the power to create change all around you.
You’ll know you’re in the creator mentality if:
Start taking responsibility for you and the things you can control.
You let go of things outside of your control and redirect that energy to things within your control.
You see things that you want to create and you feel confident that you can create them.
You feel empowered, confident, and bold.
This is where you want to be.
As a parent, this means that you’re no longer blaming your teen for your poor relationship.
You’re no longer making excuses and criticizing yourself and others.
You see the relationship that you want with your teen, and you go about creating that relationship.
Now, sometimes people ask, “So, you want my to just blame myself for what my teen’s doing?” or “You want me to ignore my teen’s part in all of this.”
Well, NO, I don’t want you blaming yourself for what you’re teen’s doing. That’s actually more of the victim mentality.
And, YES, you may need to ignore your teen’s part in things because it’s OUTSIDE of your control.
All this does is help you take back your power by being responsible for YOU and ONLY the things you can control.
By doing this, you can re-harness your energy and re-apply it to you instead of all the things outside of your control.
Why this is SO Important
The secret is, whether you’re in the victim mentality, the hero mentality, or the creator mentality, YOU ARE THE CREATOR of your reality.
So, if you’re in the victim mentality, that’s the reality that you’re creating.
If you’re in the hero mentality, that’s a definite level up from the victim mentality.
When you embrace the creator mentality, there’s nothing that can stand in the way of YOU being the you of your dreams.
When you start taking responsibility for your reality, you claim the power that comes with having created your reality, which gives you the power to create a new reality however you want it.
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“Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
100% Responsibility = Power
We live in a world that often refuses to be responsible and to take responsibility.
As a result, it’s common to blame others.
Lately, in my own life, I’ve been extra aware of the blaming that takes place around me, especially when I’m guilty of doing the blaming.
I’ve noticed two things over and over, . . .
#1 Blaming positions you as the victim, every time!
#2 Taking 100% responsibility empowers you, EVERY TIME!
What is 100% Responsibility?
First of all, I want to be 100% clear, taking responsibility is not blaming yourself for everything. It’s not taking the fall for everyone else.
100% Responsibility is taking responsibility for your reality and your part in creating it.
BEing responsible means accepting that you are the one creating your results and your reality.
It means that no one is coming to save you or to fix your problems but you.
It is all up to you, and that’s the best news ever!
Blaming puts your focus on things outside of your control, making you the victim.
Taking 100% responsibility puts your focus on things within your control, making you in control.
That is empowering!
When you are 100% responsible, you have the power to be the change that you are looking for.
Blaming Turns You Into the Victim.
Like I said earlier, when you blame others, you shift your focus to things outside of your control. This turns you into a victim. Now, in your mind, you are at the mercy of the person or thing that you are blaming. Rather than having the power to change your circumstances, you depend on others to change.
I see this a lot with parents who are struggling with their teens. Rather than being 100% responsible, they are willing to be 90% responsible, but they still want to blame their teen for things.
“I know I’m not perfect, and I’m doing my best, but my teen . . . “
What if, there is no blame, no fault, and no reason for blame or fault.
That completely frees you up to focus on what you can control.
So Now What?
#1 Increase your awareness around responsibility and blaming.
If you’re like most parents, you blame others and make excuses without even thinking about it. It has become a habit and part of who you are. The first step is to become aware of when you are blaming or making excuses. By doing this, you can also gain some awareness of the emotions that you are trying to avoid by blaming.
For me, it is almost always, if not always, shame that I try to avoid. By blaming others, I try to shift the burden of shame to them.
#2 Identify what you can control and take responsibility for that.
When you blame, you try to shift your focus from something within your control to something outside of your control.
I invite you to get curious and find what is within your control and take responsibility for that. Doesn’t matter how good or true the excuse is, or how real the blame is, take responsibility for what you CAN control. This puts you in a position of power.
#3 Shift Your Mindset
Most people think of things happening TO them.
This way of thinking positions you as the victim. You are at the mercy of the things happing TO you.
Shift your mindset to think of things happening FOR you.
Now, everything is happening for your good. You have the power to benefit from every circumstance.
Explore how things are happening THROUGH you.
Now, you are the creator of the things that happen around you. You will start to see ways that you are responsible for your reality. This will empower you to control the few things that you are actually responsible for.
#4 Practice, practice, practice
If you’re like most people, this is going to be a shift for you, and it will take time and practice.
Practice awareness. Much of this will take place in the thought line of the model. Some will take place in the feeling line.
Practice experiencing the emotion that you are trying to avoid. This will take place in the feeling line.
Practice the habit of taking responsibility.
Call to ACTION!
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If you are interested in getting in at founding member pricing (a huge discount), and helping me build something that will benefit parents of teens just like you, click the link below to get on the waitlist and I’ll notify you when I’m ready to launch.
When we blame others, it’s an attempt to avoid feelings something.
“Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
“Blame is just a lazy person’s way of making sense of chaos.” ~ Doug Coupland
What is blaming?
First of all, blaming is part of being human!
As far as I know, EVERYONE blames sometimes. It’s important to talk about blame because many times we do this without realizing that we are doing it.
Blaming is simply giving responsibility for something that we think has gone wrong, to someone or something else.
We live in a day and age when blaming is the norm, and it is 100% acceptable.
Why do we blame?
The main reason that we blame others is to avoid feeling certain thoughts and/or emotions.
Our brains are really good at believing what we tell them to believe. When we can blame someone else, we feel and emotional sense of relief.
We use blame as a defense against feeling unwanted emotions such as shame and embarrassment.
Blaming turns you into the victim.
When we blame others, we shift our focus to something, often someone, that is out of our control. This turns us into a victim. Now, in our minds, we are at the mercy of the person or thing that we are blaming. Rather than having the power to change our circumstances, we try to depend on others to change.
So Now What?
#1 Increase your awareness around blaming
Many of us blame others and make excuses without even thinking about it. It is a habit and part of who we are. The first step is to become aware of when you are blaming or making excuses. By doing this, you can also gain some awareness of the emotions that you are trying to avoid by blaming.
For me it is almost always, if not always, shame that I try to avoid. By blaming others, I try to shift the burden of shame to them.
#2 Identify what you can control and take responsibility for that.
Usually when we blame, we try to shift our focus from something within our control to something outside of our control.
I invite you to get curious and find what is within your control and take responsibility for that. Doesn’t matter how good or true the excuse is, or how real the blame is, take responsibility for what you CAN control. This puts you in a position of power.
#3 Practice, practice, practice
If you’re like most people, this is going to be a shift for you, and it will take time and practice.
Practice awareness. Much of this will take place in the thought line of the mode. Some will take place in the feeling line.
Practice experiencing the emotion that you are trying to avoid. This will take place in the feeling line.
Practice the habit of taking responsibility.
Call to ACTION!
Get on a FREE consultation call with me today to see how you can stop pushing your teen away and start connecting with them right where they are.
